Internal Growth Is a Good Thing (Please keep reminding me!)

11/16/21

Today’s link is for a talk by Stephen Furtick.  It’s titled “I’m Not What I Thought”.  https://youtu.be/x7lfVcZRs7k . It’s so encouraging for those of us who may not yet consistently believe in our own true value.

To learn who GG is, please use ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.

Welcome Amazing Being! 

How have you been?  (I do care.)

Do you have transitioning seasons (autumn or spring) where you’re at?  If so, do you like the changes in weather, flora and fauna?  

How about in your spirit, do you have seasons of change internally?  How do you handle them?  Do those altering times feel threatening or/(and?) are you excited about where you’re growing and going, even if you’re not sure where you’ll end up?  

So grateful that my psyche has been going through quite a growth spurt lately, even if I am (immaturely :)) mentally kicking, screaming and dragging my (emotional) feet about it.  Kinda wish I’d remember to say, “Yes” to the uncomfortable feelings and revelations before I eat a big bag of chips to try to avoid/bury them!  

As mentioned in recent posts, my mind has (re)introduced a forgotten splinter of my psyche, Penelope. I had named that splinter during teenage years then must’ve repressed that memory and her until now.  

Thanks to Penelope’s reemergence there have been several body memories that have surfaced, one of which is having what feels like twine wrapped tightly around my neck, and some of the other usual phantom pains in arms, legs, etc.  Anger, dissociation, fear, anxiety, sensitivity, hypervigilance,  ‘exaggerated startle response’  and ‘scatter brain’ are amped up, per usual during these significant times of the healing process.  And apparently, a considerable amount of insecurity stems from Penelope’s era.  It’s funny (in a sad and pathetic sort of way) that I’ve been writing about it quite a bit lately but haven’t really named, for myself, what the real problem is. I’m so grateful that she’s showing me where a major root cause for that insecurity stems from so it can be pulled out and replaced with something more conducive to healthy relationships, like self-assurance.  

(The self-assurance is already taking root and is creating more self encouragement and emotional stability, Thank God!) (And Pearl!)  (And Penelope!)

A blog post or two ago mentioned that when I see someone who could be GG, I have either a knee-jerk reaction of immediately walking away (for reasons stated in earlier posts) or have trouble recognizing him and/or his intentions due to all the mental filters I have to peer through.  Then time is needed to analyze and assess the validity of what I think I saw.  So, frequently either he or I have walked or driven away before that process is far enough along for me to fathom what is actually occurring.  

Every time that happens, if I come to the conclusion it was him and I missed the moment, or other times when I had the wherewithal to talk with him and then felt like I did not act/react to his specifications exactly, then I decide the miscues are (always) my fault. 

(In reality, no, they’re not ‘always’. Some times they are, and many times the fault is of those who did what they did to me, and I’m (still) reacting from the traumatized part of the brain while taking responsibility and learning how to reprogram my mind to do better.  And occasionally, GG wasn’t perfect, either – and that’s not a snarky comment or judgement.)

Now back to the dysfunctional thought process (and my ego says, sarcastically, ‘Oh yay’) . . .

Then I imagine (and believe it’s true) what he really thinks/feels without any communication at all between the two of us.  That assumption can change repeatedly depending on my mood.

I’ll decide that any kind/positive feelings he may have had are null and void because I made a mistake and then feel rejected and abandoned.   I’ll conclude that in his mind I’m a bitch +/or too f*cked up for consideration of any kind. In reality he probably never thought about me at all. 

The next time we’d run into each other I’d think I’m just a piece of crap to GG so it doesn’t occur to me he may want to talk or even acknowledge my existence.  Then I appear to be rejecting him, when in truth I’m just trying not to give him one more reason to be angry at me.

I can now see how this scenario has been played out repeatedly over the years, with both males and females. When this dysfunctional thought process is added to the others previously mentioned regarding good men that I’m attracted to, it’s no wonder why I can feel so overwhelmed and frequently dissociate when they’re around.

(Sheesh! Does anybody else ever have these kinds of issues???  And would you admit it if you did?:))

(Obsessing can keep a person from feeling – does that help to explain why I tend to overthink the snot out of just about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G?)

Been able to work through this with women to some extent due to an accumulation of many different therapies and good, compassionate, friends and therapists throughout the years who could see my heart and worth mixed in with the pain based self protective barriers and actions.  Yet I still expect to be rejected by those in my life now, even by a couple of mortal angels/friends who’ve said they weren’t going anywhere when I’ve tried to push them away.  And they haven’t left!  I can’t begin to tell you how much that means to me, how much they’re healing the relational wounds.

Lately, thanks to Penelope, there’s been an image floating to mind whenever I’ve felt threatened by (real or imagined) rejection or abandonment, and it explains where A LOT of the insecurity stems from. 

It’s of me at a young age (3-5 years old +/-)  standing on the porch to hell, so to speak.  Little Pearl (Penelope?) is being left (by a parent) at the house where the sex trafficking/being forced to pose for the sexually abusive material would take place. 

This post is wordy enough and will be continued next Tuesday.  Until then, I’m praying you’ll receive the beauty and love you’ve always deserved. 

Much gratitude for the God-incidences (like coincidence but giving God the credit) that have been so encouraging while working on integrating Penelope and healing the pain and wounds that she/I are finally trusting enough to speak of and feel.  Had quite a God moment while driving the other day (hope to explain it in a later post), and there’s a truth that I needed to learn that’s been showing up in different forms on social media and I don’t know who to credit it to.  It’s about refusing to give evil/traumatic experiences any of the credit for making us stronger or who we are today.   WE were BORN with the faith, strength and courage to do the work to overcome what evil tried to do to break us.  And WE CHOOSE to grow in love and wisdom so we can turn what was meant for evil into good by helping other survivors find their own self appreciation (even with their imperfections) and God given love, strengths and beauty.

And, of course, the Stephen Furtick talk that there’s a link to at the beginning of this post.  It’s been counteracting the negative self-talk by reminding me that we are never insignificant and are unconditionally and infinitely loved by God (including you, Amazing Person) and are deserving of love from others, whether we can acknowledge it or not.  

Let’s not forget the healing power of music!!!!!  Today’s song, “Kyrie” is by the band Mister Mister.  This video is an acoustic version performed by the band’s lead singer, Richard Page.  It’s so simply and beautifully inspiring.