3/23/21
(To better understand the ‘Michael’ aspect of my psyche please go to the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.)
Welcome, glad you could be here! I hope you’re having a good day?
Do you ever have revelations about yourself that leave you realizing you were ignoring some aspect of your personality or behavior that may need ‘updating’? Or have you ever been aware of treating a person as if they’re guilty of something even though there is truly no reason to do so?
I had a couple Deep Healing sessions recently. Do you know what they are? They’re Holy Spirit guided reconciliations where a person who is struggling with an issue is led by someone (who has been trained) through a series of steps that take the client back to the incident(s) that created the wound that begot the struggle. Then Jesus/Holy Spirit is in that moment and helps to heal the client at the root of the problem. A complete cure is not necessarily immediate, but the client is made aware of where the issue stems from and can then allow it to heal. (No type of wound can be cured until it’s known and accepted.)
I knew there was some unforgiveness that still needed to be eradicated towards the people that were abusive in the past. What surprised me was the revelation of how I’ve held anger towards all people, no matter who they may be. It makes sense, another aspect as to why I keep pushing away those that have the power to hurt me because I care about them.
Last fall there were several times when the thought would go through my mind, “Forgive him”. I figured it was referring to Great Guy, and my immediate response was always ‘of course I forgive him’ without knowing what it was referring to. It’s not like we’ve ever had a ‘committed relationship’. Then this last week when I went through the first Deep Healing session it became crystal clear, I’ve been holding all men responsible for what happened to me, which was surprising since I’m not a man basher. So in order to have a healthy romantic relationship I get to figure out how to forgive any potential partner even if, on a conscious level, I know he’s not guilty. And what’s even more weird is, any man that’s trustworthy does end up paying for the sins of others no matter what type of relationship there may or may not be. For example, a friend and I took a four week self-defense class a year or two ago. During one class when I ‘froze’ during an exercise the instructor tried to convince me he was on my side but I just stood there like a statue glaring at the guy while my friend was trying to beat the snot out of him like she was supposed to. Another time my friend nearly punched me upside the head because of ‘freezing’ again and I was too busy scowling at the instructor to notice her fist coming at me. Then there’s the greeter at a local store who sometimes gets a friendly ‘hi’ in response to his “welcome” while at other times gets ignored or a blank stare. It never occurred to me that was because on some level I think of these guys as guilty. And to be honest, I eventually treat my female friends the same way. Used to be, after about a year or so there’d come a time when I’d find an excuse to walk away from any type of relationship whether friend, church, etc. Now I have some friends I’ve known for a few years that are genuinely good people who I do want to maintain relationships with, to learn from and give to them, too, but I’m unintentionally shoving them away emotionally. Been trying to figure out if some of these people have reached the end of a normal ‘life cycle of friendship’ or if I’m getting increasingly uncomfortable trying to trust on these deeper levels and feeling too vulnerable with their potential to abandon me so I’m unconsciously striking first. It’s so confusing for them because I’m bitchy one minute than realize what’s happening and become overly solicitous the next, and this is most glaringly obvious with the lady who recently told me she knew I was trying to push her away and she wasn’t going to let me. I never realized that the ‘Michael’ aspect of my psyche rears his defensive head with women, too, and has throughout my life. Ugh! Glad to recognize this, (sort of :)) so God can help me figure out how to completely forgive the people who were abusive so they will no longer infect the truly loving relationships I am learning to cultivate now.
Just now understanding how this dovetails into the spirit of condemnation, which came up after the second Deep Healing session. Because of unforgiveness from the past I condemn the people I start getting close to in the present, including myself. In fact, that’s what I thought this post was going to be about, self condemnation. What a rude awakening to realize how often I’ve practiced it against others, too.
Thank you to the good people who are able to see another person’s good heart even when acting like I don’t have one. I’m learning by watching you, as are others. Bless you.
I’ll be back on Friday and hope you will, too. In the meantime may you see and receive beauty, you deserve it.
I love this song, “Midsummer’s Daydream” by the Canadian band Triumph. It usually brings a sense of peace and a smile. Hope it does the same for you, too.
