Tuesday, 5/25/21
Welcome! How are you doing? What were some beautiful moments for you from the last several days?
I’ve had a few, actually, one of which was a butterfly. Love those creatures and the whole metaphor of their transformation being like our own spiritual healing. Seems like I’m simultaneously working hard at breaking out of my cocoon while being encouraged by the various images that suggest being able to soar that flit across my mind with increasing frequency. Thank You for Your promises God! (Even when they hurt too much . . . )
Now back to the revelation I mentioned in last Tuesday’s post (Argh!).
When I initially realized something was bubbling up from the psyche and needed to be dealt with a.s.a.p., I went upstairs to my prayer space hoping to get focused enough to pray somewhat coherently. (Was clueless it had anything to do with the abuses.) Turned on some Maria Gilpin music to help enhance the spiritual intention and “Justice” was the first tune. I haven’t listened to the song much, not at all lately, and didn’t remember the words.
Then the new realization immediately shot straight into the conscious and barbed right through my heart. The feelings it triggered were so intense they became physical and I just started bawling and literally screaming in emotional pain. My body became twisted into protective mode as it laid down on the floor.
After several minutes Maria Gilpin’s beautiful words began to penetrate the onslaught somehow, “I (God) WILL restore what’s been stolen, I will do something brand new, I am making a way in the wild, streams in the desert, I will bring life” . . . “I have come to save the world, I have come to heal your wounds, I will restore you.”
I knew Jesus was offering comfort with another blasted promise of overcoming and being restored ‘sometime soon’. I couldn’t receive it though because of the agony, rage and fear. Didn’t want to hear it, really felt like I had to give up the torment of hope of healing ‘enough’ that appears to be perpetually just out of reach. There always seems to be ‘one more thing’ that needs to be faced and dealt with (which is never an instantaneous fix, of course). I kept thinking, “For as long as I’ve been working on all this why wouldn’t God just heal something without it having to be such a damn gut and heart wrenching experience, with more time needed, always more time? Is it ever going to be NOW?“
And as this song was playing while the sobbing continued, a text message came through on the phone. It was P., one of my prayer warrior friends who recently moved out of state and hadn’t had contact with for a while. It took a little bit before I read it and replied that I needed prayer, and tried to explain a little of what was happening. Of course, being the type of friend I never thought I’d deserve, she immediately stepped into the void and started praying, letting me know I wasn’t alone anymore. In between texts with her I was still crying & yelling at God, “WHY do I have to keep going through this shit? Why won’t You just heal me already and let me be at peace?”
“Somewhere in the ranting His still, gentle voice in my heart replied, “Because you’ll be able to help more people this way”.
“But when will it end for me? What about all those promises of Yours about being freed from this hell, being able to experience love in all it’s forms in a healthy way, about being successful at writing and helping others, etc. When is that supposed to happen if I’m so damn broken that all we’ve been doing to heal never seems to be enough?”
With what He had told me that was broken this time and the intense anger that rose up because of it, there was such a strong desire to walk away from all people so I could quit trying so damn hard to heal. It didn’t seem worth the effort to have to face all this in order to experience love in any form.
Wth the depth of hurt and hopelessness it brought up I thought it was impossible to heal this new revelation by my own volition (with God and experts). My Higher Power sensed this and gently replied in spirit, “It IS impossible for you but when I transform this, you and anyone who will listen will know that I, God, healed you when nothing else could. When you give your testimony others will know what I can do for them, too.”
This was all quite overwhelming and so I tried to figure out who else to reach out to for prayer and decided to try my Soul Sister herd. All I texted was “Please pray for me? Having a rough revelation/breakthrough.”
Within minutes there were responses of “praying”, “if you need me”, “hugs”, “I love you”, “loving thoughts and prayers” and “Love you lady! I’m here”.
This ‘event’ was devastating in different ways, but I have to become aware of the destruction caused by the wounds in order to deal and let God heal. I’m still processing what happened and gaining perspective. With a little distance of time I see where God was weaving His love all through this experience. He pushed me to start praying, to be inspired to listen to “Justice”, had P. contacting me at the exact time I was imploding. He gave me a voice to yell at Him and get all that rage and so much pain out, and gently urged me to text my Soul Sisters to show I DO have love in my life now, it’s safe to reach out for it, and even to receive it. And, I AM Worthy and capable of continuing to do what it takes to make the most of the rest of my life. So are you, if you need to be reminded.
Nobody ever promised this path wasn’t going to be hellish at times, but Jesus provides enough Heaven to get me through. If I allow it, when evil and it’s reverberations assail, God and LOVE prevail.
Thank You, God (I think . . .)
And so much gratitude for prayer warriors P. and E., and my Soul Sisters for learning me what safe and powerful love looks like 🙂
Today’s video has to be, “Justice” by Maria Gilpin.
