Tuesday, 6/1/21,
Howdy! Glad to meet with ya.
Have you ever been overwhelmed with difficult feelings, believed there was a purpose for them and were (finally) able to ride them out instead of denying them? If so, were you able to receive the wisdom and/or healing entangled within the experience after it was over?
This whole trauma healing business and becoming emotionally sensitized can be quite a harrowing process at times. Who knew a person can feel so much so deeply? (Well, you, probably!)
There is so much emotional pain continuing to swirl up. I’m trying hard to maintain the courage to face and go through it all. Gotta do this with my Higher Power because it’s the only way I’ll be able to survive without the usual pacifiers of anger (although it’s definitely in here), junk food, fantasy/daydreaming, self harming, and/or driving all over trying to find someone to rescue me. (I’d probably miss the opportunity or push them away if they tried anyway.) And thank God (usually, but sometimes wonder . . .) that I’m too – um – ‘uptight’ to just go for the one night stand option to feel some sort of comfort or connection with someone. I’ve been told it rarely (if ever) works out that way.
My empathy for people who turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, anything to avoid themselves and their pain is expanding even more. Trust me, I get it.
I so desperately want to be rescued. So desperately want to avoid this yet know that in order to grow out of this age that a part of my psyche is stuck in, it needs to be dealt with.
Repressed memory is slithering to the surface and the feelings attached to it are pervading life at odd times with increasing intensity. Nightmares aren’t knocking, they’re barging through the psyche without warning. Phantom terror is causing more hyper-vigilance than usual and let’s not forget the old desire to commit suicide that I refuse to tango with now. Here’s the emerging heart shredding memory of the desolation from being so damn alone when I needed someone decent the most, and the gaping maw of loneliness that comes with it. To be honest, I think this is the first time I’m actually feeling loneliness since childhood. It’s always been rattling around inside, just not acknowledged. Kinda understanding why its existence has been denied all these years!
I’m also working through the revelation from a few days ago of what else was broken in my heart and psyche. That’s still evolving and being integrated . . .
Had a deeper realization of why and how terrified I still am of a romantic relationship and all it would entail. This, in turn, revealed a new level of regret for the people I’ve hurt without intent because of believing I was disposable. I honestly had no idea my existence, heart or voice mattered so I easily walked in and out of other’s lives thinking they wouldn’t really notice me when I was there and they’d be relieved when I left. So I inadvertently treated them as if they were disposable when I really did care about them (even though I couldn’t feel it).
This evoked on a more profound level the knowledge of the extent of the self rejection which, of course, revealed a deeper tier to the inability to receive (and give) love and joy. I know I deserve to be able to do that and now gotta get the deeper parts of heart, spirit and psyche to accept that truth. Like written in an earlier post, only God can heal this, and He will if I allow Him (and I DO!). (He will for you, too, if you need it and let Him.) I still need to do my part though, whatever that is. I have faith (usually) my Higher Power (and I) are continuing to heal all this.
As mentioned in one of the opening paragraphs, I’m not self harming now, imbibing in as much junk food, nor looking for someone to rescue me (still craving it, though). These are all improvements from how things have been handled in the past.
Part of me is still responding to all that I’ve written with: ‘how pathetic’ ‘dummy’ ‘you’ll never get this right’ and echoing all the other negative things I’ve heard over the years with my voice insinuated with theirs. (How else does one curry favor with those who despise them than by agreeing with them, right?) The other part of my psyche is growing up and taking responsibility for the garbage I keep feeding myself mentally as well as ingesting. I’m focusing more on what’s good, pray, do many affirmations daily, and only allow people who respect me into my life. All of that is beginning to offset the negativity that there’s now less time to obsess about. With increasing consistency I’m accepting, nurturing and listening to my self because that is what I am worthy of, and it’s the only way to heal so I can LIVE and LOVE fully like I deserve and crave to do for others. And what’s awesome is, I AM feeling an ever deepening care (love?!?) and empathy for others. It’s uncomfortable and hurts like all get out sometimes, and I’m (always) so very grateful to have gotten this far and am not gonna stop now, for sure. Can only imagine how amazing life’s becoming as I continue to open up and release the ugly from the past to make room for the beauty of it all.
I have to tell you that at one point when I was editing this I looked up and the way the sun was shining on the window pane it formed a glowing cross, and for this Christian, I’m taking it as a note of loving acknowledgement and comfort from Above. (Gotta believe, it’s what keeps me going.)
Maybe all the love that Higher Power and others have poured into me is (finally) starting to out weigh all the evil from before, THANK GOD (and me for doing the work)! The other night being perhaps ‘the final straw’ (in a good way!!!!) when one of my Soul Sisters and I met up to support each other through our confusing eras of life. We ended our time together with a bit of Maria Gilpin music and prayed over each other. When we prayed I didn’t feel an enlightening moment and believed it would seep in later. Apparently it did although, to be honest, I had so hoped it would happen without the pain. Silly me :).
Thank you to all the people over the years who’ve so generously given me the benefit of the doubt and loved me even when I couldn’t acknowledge or reciprocate correctly, genuinely or at all. You’re efforts have not been in vain for I am learning to do that for others as well as myself. God bless you!
One of the benefits of welcoming back the lost parts of self is remembering the things and music I used to love but had forgotten. This is one of those songs, “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles. It’s such a gently encouraging tune. Hoping you enjoy it, too.
Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles- Here comes the sun do, do, do Here comes the sun And I say it's all right Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here Here comes the sun do, do, do Here comes the sun And I say it's all right Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here Here comes the sun do, do, do Here comes the sun And I say it's all right Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear Here comes the sun do, do, do Here comes the sun And I say it's all right Here comes the sun do, do, do Here comes the sun And I say it's all right -Written by George Harrison
Meet ya back here on Friday! May you start to see the sun shining your way if you’ve been missing it lately!
