Tues. 7/6/21
For an explanation of who the Grace and L.P. parts of my psyche are, as well as Great Guy (G.G.), please refer to the ‘Cast of Characters’ on the home page.
Good day, lovely person! How are you doing? Have you gotten around to celebrating you yet?
Do you ever sense someone you care about is hurting but have no evidence to back it up?
This fast I’ve been on (and yes, I do cheat a little on some days, handful of tortilla chips &/or peanuts every couple of days ;)) is really causing me to acknowledge things I’ve been aware of but haven’t wanted to deal with. And, of course, there are things coming up I’ve been completely oblivious to previously. (Actually, as I’m editing this I may have noticed and written about some of it before. I guess this is another layer of that proverbial stinky onion coming off, taking healing deeper.)
There are times when I obsess about some situation or person. Frequently it’s connected to G.G. since he’s the person who is inadvertently perpetually showing me what needs to be worked on, but not always. I pray daily for the people but at these times I am convinced they are in some sort of distress and so I become preoccupied about their well being and health, praying for them more and enlisting every prayer line I’m aware of, too. Sometimes I even think I know what the problem is even though nobody’s told me (and could be mistaken, of course). A good friend of mine suggested I could be G.G.’s intercessor and that could very well be true, but I’ve started wondering if there’s something else going on. Something I’ve recognized in others in a judgmental way, which means I probably have the behavior, too. (Arghh!)
I wonder if I obsess about another’s well being because of projecting onto them a fear or emotion in me that I don’t wanna deal with. Have you ever thought you might do something like that?
I do believe that two people can have a spiritual connection where they sense the other’s pain without being in actual contact with them in a ‘Radar Love’ sort of way. (“Radar Love” is an awesome song by Golden Earring.) Do you know what I’m talking about? I have had that sort of connection with others (like my ‘Sister Of Spirit’ who’s frequently mentioned) where an undefined concern in my spirit is later confirmed when told that the other person did have some sort of crisis.
Oh well, even if I am wrong about another person’s state of mind, body or heart, I’m sure the extra prayers help them in some other way. Maybe giving them the sense that someone else does care and is sending love their way?
(Do you ever feel when I pray for you, much appreciated blog reader?)
Something else that has been revealed goes back to that pseudo-paranoia alluded to in another post. (Therapists have said this paranoia is not an actual diagnosis, more like a ‘natural reaction to an unnatural situation’.) I’m remembering more clearly that in Grace’s era there were times when I’d hear a voice above others in a crowd, or even on t.v. when a spectator at a sporting event yelled louder than the others. I didn’t have to hear what the actual words were, I’d imagine they were yelling horrible things about me, as if I was being personally denigrated by strangers who at times couldn’t even see me. This stems from all the negative things hurled at me by family – I thought everyone else would do the same thing.
The fake paranoia kicked in a couple of months ago when I started integrating Grace. I rarely do the same things at the same time for more than a couple of days in a row, and I’m not sure why. It may have started years ago with the stalking incident mentioned in the ‘Epiphany’ post dated 6/15/21. I didn’t want the twit to have any clue of when I’d show up anywhere.
In any case, after adopting my dog several months ago I wanted to keep a steady schedule for him so I’d get up pretty early to walk him at the same time every day. We’d walk at my favorite walkway next to the river. After several days I began ‘feeling’ like there was illegal activity going on and that I was always walking into the middle of it. Told myself it was ‘Grace’ but couldn’t shake it. Actually came up with this elaborate scenario about how I was unwittingly being used by traffickers who were gleefully making me their patsy, waiting for me to take their fall. (I could give Stephen King a run for his money if I chose to write horror stories :))
A particular white van started parking a couple of spaces down from where I usually did. What caused concern (for Grace) was the guy always parked facing the road instead of the river and sat in the van for at least the hour or two I was there. In my ‘E.P.’ moments I’d tell myself this was ‘Grace’ and not a real problem. Decided to go to the park at a different time anyway and after several days noticed that guy there again, at this later time, doing the same thing. (He’s probably wondering why I’m there at the same time so frequently. Or not thinking about me at all :)) So now I go at various times, park in different spots, and rarely walk the same path twice in a row. Or go elsewhere and/or meet with a friend.
I am becoming more cognizant of how the faux-paranoia has effected relationships, too.
When Grace is at the helm of my psyche I am sure the people I care about really despise me underneath their forced kindness (as I perceive it ‘cuz I can’t believe they care about me), then think they’re telling all their people what a piece of dirt I am. It gives me one more reason to push a person away and It’s a behavior that began in high school.
I’ve learned to ask my friends if they are angry, and they assure me they aren’t. With people I don’t do reality checks with I still tend to assume the worst, which just happened with ‘J’, who I dog sit for.
J has been nothing but kind and has shown me she’d like to be more of a friend, but I keep her at arms length because I can’t image why she’d care about ‘someone like me’. She seems to have so much going for her. I know she could use another person to talk with at times but I won’t believe I have anything to offer that she’d take seriously.
That last part I play out in pretty much all of my relationships. I’d really like to be there for friends and GG. You can usually sense when someone you care about is struggling, but I rarely reach out because I cannot fathom they’d think I’m worthy of being their confidant. And to be honest I frequently don’t know how to respond when others do confide in me, but I do listen when someone tells me they need someone to talk to. (Like that lady in the post “Precious and Unique, or Odd & Smelly” dated 6/18/21., and our teens in our support group.)
Back to J . . . I hadn’t heard from her for a while and was convinced she was angry and had fired me without saying so. I got defensive in my mind and would obsess about what I would say to her if she ever deigned to contact me. A week ago she texted to set up a dog sitting appointment. I was so sure she was trashing me to herself, friends, and family, but she was just as friendly as ever.
The sad thing is, I’ve walked away from or ignored so many good people over the years believing they had animosity towards me when it’s likely they never had anything but care or perhaps weren’t even thinking about me at all.
All because of what the significant people in my life did years ago.
So grateful to continue to peel away at the proverbial onion of traumatic wounds. As each layer falls there are more tears and stinkier stuff to work through on deeper levels. It’s also freeing and life is getting so much better as I’m able to participate in it in increasingly healthier ways.
Thank God (and me, friends, G.G. therapists and random strangers) for helping me see what needs to be worked on.
After mentioning “Radar Love” earlier I have to play this awesome song for you. If you haven’t heard it before, I hope you love it at least half as much as I do!
(Hmmm. . . should I play my favorite local band’s version of it??? Actually, don’t think I can legally. Drat!)
Looking forward to meeting with you again next week!
