Wed. 8/25/21
Good day, Good Person, how are you doing?
What memory from the past week brings a gentle smile to your heart? Did you see or hear something beautiful? (Or maybe something loud and raucous, gotta love that sometimes, too:)) Did you create or imagine something you could make or do?
If you imagine what you’d like to change about your life, perhaps create a goal (or 30!), can you actually visualize and feel yourself doing it?
That question was a (paraphrased) line from a movie I recently watched called “The Secret, Dare To Dream” with Katie Holmes and Josh Lucas.
I’m not so sure I agree with everything the movie espouses, but when that question was asked, it convicted me.
I keep writing about a few of the hopes that reside in my heart that I believe are in here for a reason, but do I really see myself actually living and loving in the reality of those visions?
I’ll be honest (like usual!). For all the blessings, opportunities and abilities I expect are coming my way, I’ve been praying, listening to myriads of talks, doing affirmations and preparations and work in order to achieve and receive those possibilities. When I reflected on that question, I realized I never truly imagined myself with feelings of victory AND the faith AND ability to sustain the life imagined through any difficulties that may occur. I usually just focus on the hope for a moment, then allow myself to be distracted before I delve too deeply into whether or not I believe in my heart, “I Can”.
So I tried to feel being in a loving romantic relationship, giving inspiring talks, helping many to find their paths to healing, and being a successful writer, among other things.
And you know what? I initially couldn’t do it. Any of it. My fears, laziness, impatience with hoping for so long & lack of faith reared their collective suffocating objections and I let them rule.
But only for a couple more days (Yay!) because then I went to the cemetery that the deceased immediate family members are buried at to tidy up their plots, and I allowed myself to acknowledge something positive while there.
I mentioned in a previous post that when my sister passed away it was decided that all of the female siblings would be buried in the same spot so all of our names were etched into the grave marker. Even though I have no intention of being buried with family of origin (if I get buried at all), it can be a bit disconcerting to see my name on the headstone. I didn’t THINK my life was over yet! But a revelation tied everything all together. It showed me that even though I wasn’t devising it myself, some of what I thought were random singular strands of my existence are actually parts of the beautiful tapestry of the life I’ve been working towards for so long, now being woven together.
When I was done cleaning up the plots and was sitting there, praying for further release of the anger and bitterness that I’ve harbored all these years against them, my eyes focused on my name in the headstone and it occurred to me . . .
Back in July I wrote a post about seeing a white dress and how it effected me, and why I bought it without really having any reason to wear it (yet). (The Dress (and Self) I Claim, 7/16/21.)
When I brought it home I wrote about seeing the dress as a baptism, first Holy Communion, and wedding dress and that I wanted to re-experience all three in it, with the marriage being one of mutual love, respect, faithfulness, and fun this time.
Instead of hanging the dress in the closet, I put it where I see it. Every time I walk by it I say (out loud) “I am getting re-baptized, making my ‘second’, First (huh?:)) Holy Communion, and getting married soon.” I say it often, with conviction, but hadn’t realized I wasn’t really believing for it until I watched that movie.
And that convinced me it was time to talk to my pastors.
Thankfully, they’ve oh-so-graciously agreed to re-baptize and recreate my first Holy Communion under this new name I’m unofficially adopting. (No, marriage is not an option {yet}, still lacking a potential spouse.:)) My minsters understand the desire to honor the person I’ve been persistently and diligently laboring to birth and become. They’ve even offered to have a dinner to celebrate the occasion. This ceremony is going to be a beautiful way to spiritually claim the acceptance, acknowledgement, integration and loving of all the parts of self, including the GOOD! And taking ownership and LIVING the new life I’m (finally!) loving myself enough to believe I AM worthy and capable of.
The headstone and grave bestowed upon me by family of origin are now the burial place of the qualities I thought I had to be in order to survive childhood, marriage and life: Angry, bitter, guilty, shame filled, emotionally shut down, belief of worthlessness, completely self-protective, negative, non-existent and voiceless.
(Wow! I HAVE come a long way! Yay Pearl!)
I’m not asserting that I’ve completely shed all those lovely (ahem) qualities and that the CPTSD and dissociation are healed (doubt I ever will). But they’re being increasingly offset with emerging self-love, growing ability to receive and give love, patience, faith, self-worth, and the strengthening of voice, abilities, and compassion to use on behalf of others.
Now when I envision receiving love from an understanding and loving husband who KNOWS I am worthy of all good, and giving him all the love I KNOW he deserves, I feel the joy and wonder of it all, as well as acceptance that it may not be all thornless roses and perpetual bliss. By learning to accept and love all aspects of myself instead of running away or self harming when difficult emotions and memories are surfacing, I’m also learning to stand firm in relationships instead of running away when I get confused or overwhelmed with the complexity of them. (As witnessed by the loving friendships I’ve maintained for quite awhile now.) Or if I do turn away from a person I really do want in my life due to the confusion in my mind and heart, I am learning to quickly assess the issue then make amends (if necessary) once I’ve figured it all out. The right people, and spouse, are able to accept this as I learn to do better. ’
When negativity attempts to take over my mind and heart now, trying to keep me convinced I could never be worthy or capable, I’m negating it faster and with conviction.
Woo-Hoo! Thank You, God, AND Pearl! Amen!
And thank you to my pastors who ‘get it’ and are so willing to help celebrate the new me. God bless you!
When my God-daughter was a child I had the honor of watching her and her classmates dance to this song, “Beautiful”, by Christine Aguilera. I loved watching those girls with all their differing body types and abilities dancing to this tune of self acceptance. Although, in my mind I change those last lines to: “So you won’t bring me down today.”
Looking forward to meeting you back here next Wednesday!
