Getting to the Depths in Order to Rise Above It All

4/26/22

(This post could cause triggers for some.)

(For more of a description of who LP and EP are, and who Great Guy is, please refer to the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page)

Hello Brave One,

How is your week going? 

What have you conquered, or made steps towards conquering, in your life lately?   

Hmmmm . . . I’ve been (trying to) conquer quite a bit lately;  seem to have made progress in some areas, and questionable in others.

Still amazed I got fired from a volunteer job!  One I’ve been doing for four +/- years now, never had a real problem, and now it’s done.  It certainly didn’t happen from a lack of honesty or integrity (I’ve never tried to hurt anyone, embezzled or stolen anything, and never just ‘didn’t show up’), and very rarely called to say I wouldn’t be there –  maybe two times in the whole time I’ve worked with this person.  (Although I did somehow form a habit early on in life where I can show up to work two minutes late rather consistently!)

Was also told not to return the support group I was a part of.  So very glad that all but one of the others involved have shown their moral support for me in one form or another – that definitely helps.  

I have been working through so much lately in the healing process, which has been causing me to start questioning where I’m at and questioning (a lot!) those who have authority in my life, and especially the people who I looked to, to define me, if that makes sense.  (Well, I know what i mean anyway!)  

Have almost been rebelling to some degree, but don’t know that I’ve been disrespecting anyone.  Just kinda growing up and out of the old ‘subservient’  ways, learning my own worth and value and finding my voice.  Figuring out how to be this newly forming version of self certainly isn’t always smooth sailing, for sure, and as with all new behaviors a person can go from one extreme to another until they figure it out for their self.  So very grateful for the people who are tolerant of this phase of the growth process; I get that it’s not easy on them, either.

I’ve also had – not sure how to describe it – but an answer? to a question I’ve been asking myself and God repeatedly for a while now:  Why is it, even with all the breakthroughs, healing, growth and even learning to appreciate self in some ways, do I still struggle with believing I’m worthy of and trusting someone like Great Guy (GG)?  And why do I still push other good males away even though they aren’t the threat to my heart like GG is?

I was talking to a good friend of mine, E., who’s been kind of a spiritual mentor/mother for 7 or 8 years now.  Was feeling the trepidation of what was going to happen after having mailed out letters to a couple of the (human) reasons for some of the pain of childhood, one of which was the ring leader of the second era of hell, as well letters to the next generation.  Those were of apology, explanation, and concern for their children’s welfare.  (There’ll be more on that next week, probably, when I’ve been able to process it more.)

Anyway, E offered to pray for me over the phone, and as she did I closed my eyes and tried to relax and allow the comfort to permeate the anxiety.

As she prayed this image came to mind:  Me at present age (A.K.A. Elder Pearl, ‘EP’), was looking over the shoulder of someone who I believe to have been Jesus.  He was holding baby me, Little Pearl (LP) at maybe 8 or 9 months of age – older than infant but not yet walking.  LP was just sobbing and screaming in pain and terror.  EP could feel the physical pain of internal bruising that would have been inflicted when LP was being abused, and in a muted way was feeling LP’s horror, sense of betrayal, terror, and completely shattered trust.  I don’t know if she had just been violated or if the pain was from something that had happened a few hours or day before, but I knew she had already experienced similar abuses at least several times previously.

Jesus was patiently and gently trying to comfort her, let LP He had no intention of hurting her, but even at that young of an age LP/I couldn’t trust Him because of the pain the other men (I was supposed to have been able to trust) had inflicted.  EP knew Jesus wasn’t going to wound her like the others, and He was sincerely trying to show her He genuinely cared.  I could sense LP’s fear of what she thought He was going to do to her, and she couldn’t be convinced otherwise. 

I don’t claim to know if was an actual memory or more of a generic visual/feeling representation and way of learning how deep and how far back the fear and mistrust of men goes.  Add to that all the abuse that happened during the ensuing years and I can better understand why this taking so long to heal.

And I can better appreciate how incredibly strong children who experience trauma are.  Always perceived myself as being so weak to not have been able to protect myself in any way.  But honestly, how come we, (some survivors anyway) think it’s our own character flaw that we were so vulnerable and couldn’t stop what was being done to us by people who were so much bigger and/or so damn threatening and mean?  I’m realizing more and more, it’s time to give ourselves all the credit we deserve because we were strong enough to survive.

When I consider how much pain, and how far back and deep it goes, that still deserves healing, especially as it pertains to the hope of being able to allow myself to believe in, receive from and give love to a truly good man, it can still feel overwhelming or even impossible at times.   But as is oft repeated in the emotional healing realm – you can’t heal what you don’t/can’t acknowledge.  I  honestly don’t know how I can heal this, but I do know Who can (and is), my only hope and yet the greatest hope, Jesus.  When I remember my faith in God/Jesus, and keep reminding myself He is greater, then I KNOW VICTORY IS MINE.  Hal-le-lu-jah!

And if you’re struggling with anything, I declare and share my God given VICTORY with you – there’s more than enough to go around for all of us, and as God knows, we’re all worthy.

Looked up songs about rising above trauma and found this gem, “Rise” by Katy Perry.  Hope it inspires you, too, if you need it!  (Lyrics are under the video (provided I remember to copy them!) 

"Rise"

I won't just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can't write my story
I'm beyond the archetype

I won't just conform
No matter how you shake my core
'Cause my roots—they run deep, oh

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I'll fight it, I'll fight it
I will transform

When, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise

I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed

'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, "You're out of time,"
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don't be surprised
I will still rise

Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don't be surprised
I will still rise

Writer(s): Max Martin, Savan Kotecha, Katy Perry, Ali Payami