5/10/22 (supposedly!)
Hello Wonderful Person!
How is your week going? Anything you’d like to share? There’s a comment section past the very end of this post – go ahead and tell us a little about yourself if you want. (Your response will not show up immediately – it gets read before it goes public.)
Have you ever had one of those moments you were kinda dreading but then it ended up being, essentially, a moment of healing?
That happened again this past weekend.
I wasn’t planning on going to church, but on Sunday morning I woke up to the phone ringing; it was a ‘butt dial’ by a friend of mine. Decided to go back to sleep when it happened again, and again.
Decided it had to be some sort of God-incidence and decided to go. On the way I remembered it was Mother’s Day, and to be honest, not my favorite day of the year.
First there’s the whole ‘I never had kids’ issue. Even though I know that’s a good thing considering they would have been born into an abusive setting and I don’t know that I’d’ve had the wherewithal to protect them in some way, but I do wonder sometimes how it could be, you know? To have a (perhaps even step) child and/or (step) grandchildren to learn how to love in a whole new way.
Another reason is the type of mother I had – and for me, she wasn’t exactly the nurturing, loving ‘mommy’ that is always portrayed during this season. (See post “Mom, Pearl’s Years”, dated 10/19/20). The dichotomy of how mothers are depicted and the reality of how mine treated me can bring up some pretty difficult, conflicting emotions.
Several years ago the pastor (who knew about some of the abuse, and knows others who have been abused too, of course) made a big deal about how all mothers are perfect.
That really hurt, for several reasons. For me, it reinforced that pervasive belief that ‘family should be everything’ (well, no, not always) and we should perpetually honor them.
And that axiom, in my mind, implies that if family has to accept (if not love) you and therefore we are to remain loyal to them, then I really shouldn’t hope for a better life of being surrounded by people who could truly love me.
Also, if my own mother couldn’t love me, and she’s perfect, then there really must be something so elementally wrong with me that I don’t deserve it from anyone else, either, since she would know best what I’m (not) worthy of.
So this year, when I remembered that sermon on the way to church I almost turned around and went back home, but Something kept me going. I also realized that I’ve grown and healed a lot since that talk from several years ago, so I was sure I could handle it better by not perceiving it as a personal affront. (And not let it shake that newly forming belief that I do deserve better.)
Walked into church even later than usual, which caused a couple friends to snicker a bit.
‘Pastor D’ (not the same pastor who gave the other talk), who knows my story, told about celebrating mothers and how they are to be treated, etc., but at the end she made a comment about how not all mothers are so loving. Abuse does happen (she was looking at me while talking), and how in the past it hadn’t been talked about but now people are starting to acknowledge it, and that’s a good thing. And I think her last sentence was about how Mother’s day can be about speaking up, listening, and being a good mother to those who didn’t have a positive, loving one.
I was so shocked, and so grateful, that she thought about ‘the others’ – we who don’t fit into society’s ‘norms’.
Later, when the congregation was participating in the ‘passing of the peace’ and shaking hands with each other, ‘D’ said “Happy Mother’s Day, Pearl” to me. (She knows I have no children.)
‘Thank you’ didn’t seem sufficient enough response.
After that we did the ‘prayers of the people’ and my submission for prayers had the usuals I care about, with an addendum: “In gratitude for good people, good friends, God’s love, and Pastor D’s sermon.” She smiled when she heard that.
Her compassionate talk made getting out of bed worth the effort and the rest of the day was a whole lot lighter. Thank you again, Pastor D.
It’s amazing how one person can make such a difference with just a thoughtful, caring comment. I hope to be getting better at doing that for others.
Lately there have been so many opportunities for growth and another biggie came up this week, even if it didn’t cause an immediate healing. (Opened up the door for it, though.)
On 4/5/22 I published a post titled “Learning What Love Is, part 2”. Part of it described about having a dissociative experience while walking in my favorite park.
I’ll give you a week to read the post if you haven’t yet, or don’t remember.
For now I’ll just say (write:)), several days ago while walking through the same park I started to recall what happened, and the feeling it evoked was so intense it helped me to understand why the brain opted to shut it down, and helped me to realize at the core of my being is still that God-awful sense of overwhelming shame and worthlessness. But now that I know it’s there, it’s being healed. I’ve been asking for prayer from many people (would you, too?) and repeatedly asking myself and God what else I can do to facilitate the healing.
Just called Bishop T.D. Jakes prayer line (I’ve used them a few times) – I have to say, they are some of the most caring prayer warriors. Their number is on my home page.
I keep praying and believing that I haven’t completely missed out on all that seems right. As some of the affirmations around the house keep reminding me, I’m (and my dreams are) worth waiting for. I keep praying the right being(s) and blessings are still here when I’m ready. I recognize that they, too, know I’m worth the wait, and am so appreciative.
By the way, I pray for you in a general way; if there’s something specific you’d ever like prayer for, please let me know in the comment section, I’d be honored to pray for you. If you want to ask but don’t want the petition to be seen by others, I’ll read and pray, but not publish it.
Looking forward to meeting with you here again next week! Until then, I hope you have a (or many!) healing and/or redemptive moments. You’re worthy, too!
This week’s song is “Hold On” by Alabama Shakes. It seems to be another tune that can be considered a generous sliver my life’s story for these last too-many-years-to-brag-about of healing. (Especially that verse about being impatient!) I know that deepest level of healing is on it’s way, especially with all that’s been coming up lately and how I’ve been handling it, which is so much better than in the past. I just have to keep ‘holding on’ in faith and remembering God’s got my VICTORIES at hand, while facing the deepest (I hope!) hurt and fears.
And Thank You, God, for Your perfect timing (even when I’m b*tching and whining about how long it’s taking. 🙂 ) Amen!
