6/2/22
Good day Good Person –
How are you doing? What is coming up that you’re excited about?
I love that irises, one of my (many) favorite flowers, are blooming. Did you know that they’re symbolic of the Resurrection of Christ/Holy Trinity? Their petals are called ‘falls’, and there are three that fall down, and three that rise up. I like that, and their unique look. They don’t last long once they’re picked, though, so I admire them while walking past them. They’re hardy if you leave the plants intact. Not like lavender, which boast one of my favorite scents. The ones planted last year haven’t survived the winter. Not surprising since I think I planted three or four different sets last year – they kept dying and I kept trying again anyway! This year I think I’ll just snatch scents from the ones I see on my walks – even if there is a good chance they’ve been peed on by many dogs! Did that last year any dried urine didn’t kill me – maybe it enhances the smell? 🙂
The dandelions do great, though! Glad my perspective is: why have a lawn of unrelenting, same ol’ green color? Glad to have those splashes of yellow (and pink, white, purple, and whatever color ‘wildflowers’ (NOT weeds, thank you very much!) pops up in the grass. (Yeah, my neighbors with their ‘perfect’ lawns love mine, I’m sure!:)) But really, what’s so wrong with some pretty, free flowers scattered about???? (Ahem) I know some friends would have a thing or two to say about that theory!
Still kinda geeked about going to see my favorite speaker, Joyce Meyer, in a couple of days. Actually, I’ll be seeing her on the weekend of my birthday; it’s a gift I’m giving myself. My sister will be going with me.
Been listening to and reading Joyce Meyer books for years now. Another of my favorite quotes of hers is: “Do you have a wish bone? Or a back bone?” (For me, depends on the moment! 🙂 Been strengthening that back bone more all the time, thank God {and Pearl!})
Speaking of birthday, been feeling kind of angsty lately without knowing why, then a couple days ago remembered I got married on that date many years ago. It still amazes me how the subconscious knows and reacts even if the conscious hasn’t (yet) remembered. But once a person knows why they’re feeling like crap, they can do a better job of counteracting it. (By celebrating getting out of that marriage!) And yes, Joyce Meyer has something to say about that, too.
Well, sort of about that. She freely gives her testimony about being sexually abused by her father for many years, and her mother knowing but not doing anything about it. She, too, had a rough first marriage that only lasted a few years, but about a year or two after that ended she met her current husband of over 50 years, Dave. She laughs (now!) about how Dave knew within a couple of weeks of meeting her that she was the girl for him for several reasons – one was he loved her sassiness, and another because he asked God to send him a woman who needed help! He got more than he bargained for in that department, and they had a few rocky years but they stayed in faith to God and each other and worked it all out. They’ve had a wonderful, fun (imperfect) marriage since.
What she’s mentioned about all that is, she used to think she was supposed to live a substandard life because she thought she was defective with all she’d been through, and that was all she deserved. She’s now very encouraging about how that doesn’t have to be the case, that survivors, too, are worthy of living a full, meaningful life and having a love based, fun (imperfect!) marriage.
I’ve been working hard towards believing I can contribute anything of value to the world, in spite of knowing the only reason I chose to survive all this time in recovery is because there’s been a tug in my heart that says I’ll be able to help others. The talk I gave a week or two ago was better than a couple others I’d given a few years before. In retrospect, those seemed to have been based on trying to prove something, with a bit o’ anger sprinkled in. With this one I spoke honestly about some of what I‘ve survived and it’s effects, and how I’ve been changing in my walk with God (and some mortals), but it then turns a bit more humorous (the people actually laughed at all the right times! Woo-hoo!) when describing some of the ways we can reach out to others in a general, non professional sort of way.
Also putting together a small sex-trafficking awareness event for the fall at my church (and yes, I’m already mentally hyperventilating about that, while trying to allow faith to usurp fear’s power!) Had planned on doing something similar but on a bigger scale when covid hit, but this time we’re toning it down and seeing how it goes. If it does ok then maybe next time it’ll be more like originally envisioned.
As to the marriage aspect of Joyce Meyer’s encouragement, I keep stressing the imperfect part because even though I do believe there is an amazing man for me, I know he nor I are perfect, and so neither will every moment of marriage be. I now see how I used to dream of someone rescuing me, then essentially donating their life to my comfort and forever making up for all that was done to me, and without ever questioning or expecting the same from me. Soooo glad to be growing out of that; now that seems like the perfect nightmare, for both of us.
I love how Alice Cooper and his wife Cheryl put it when they speak about their 40+ years of marriage. She says, marriage is two dysfunctional people who love and respect and refuse to give up on each other. And if a marriage is truly based in love with its roots in faith, then it’ll only grow stronger with an ever deepening love as time goes on. And couples need to continually ‘date’ each other, keep their relationship their priority.
I’ll wait for my ability to accept and give that kind of love and not settle for anything less. A couple of ‘friends’ have mentioned or implied that maybe I should just be glad to ‘settle’ with someone who’s ‘lonely’ instead of holding out and working on self in order to be able to be with a man who makes me feel like Great Guy did (well, still does if I notice him when I’m out and about), someone decent who gets into my heart and causes butterflies in it. That pushes me to have to face my greatest fears of what being in a truly intimate, loving, and therefore vulnerable relationship creates, and become more powerful than those fears in order to allow him in. Then he’ll help God and me heal the rest of the way, and if he has his own issues, I’ll do the same for him.
It seems like, for all the couples who have been in long term relationships I’ve met over the years so many (most) of them seem to be based on – well – I don’t know what, really. Just doesn’t seem like they like and/or respect each other much anymore. But lately I’ve been meeting couples who are different, and it takes a little while to figure out what it is. Then I’ll notice they’re holding hands, and laughing with each other instead of at each other, and they seem to be at total peace and acceptance of self and their relationship. I’ll ask them how long they’ve been together, and it’ll be anywhere from 40 – 65 years!! And when I mention how awesome I think that is, they’ve all replied “Yes, we still like each other!”.
I LOVE that!
Wow, had no idea writing about that crappy first marriage would lead to this! Maybe this is one more way I AM healing – learning to focus on what I want and truly deserve, instead of what I don’t.
What about you? Is there something you’ve struggled to believe you’re worthy or capable of? Maybe we can support each other in acknowledging the (good!) possibilities ahead of us, and focusing on that.
In honor of my favorite ‘Uncle’ (I wish!) Alice Cooper, I tried to find a live video of his pretty love song, “You and Me”, but couldn’t. So here’s a fan created (vSpirit2) one instead.
