6/24/22
Grateful You’ve stopped by, Good Person! Hope you’re having a good day?
Is there anything you keep thinking about because you either did something you wish you hadn’t, or didn’t do something you wish you had? And whether or not it’s a ‘big deal’ you’d still like to rectify the situation?
Or maybe, do you experience anything like this: I persistently wonder if I have a right to keep hoping and/or believing for some things when I’m aware (painfully so!😱) that it’s taken a while to get to where I’m at, (which is quite an accomplishment) and I’m not sure when I’ll be ready for what I’m believing for. Is it asking too much to ask for God to have a person/purpose wait until I’m ready? I want to rush because I’m afraid someone else will come along and claim for their self what I’ve been working towards. I do know (really!) that what I’m striving for deserves the best either for them (if it’s a person/people), or to accomplish it (if it’s a purpose), and that may not necessarily be (only) me.
(WHEW! Pretty sure this is where all that faith I keep cultivating would sure come in handy! Help me to let go because of love, God, and to have faith that at the right time and place I’ll be able to receive what you have for me then. In Jesus name, Amen.)
Think I’ll leave that last conundrum for another day and go back to that first question.
A couple of the issues I’ve been avoiding dealing with over time and am finally tackling are . . .
I’ve cleared up what was written about in the post “Triggers and Self Care Pt. 2” dated 8/10/21. For whatever reason, occasionally when I feel the need to obsess about something else at 3:00 a.m., worrying about if I offended the band members by so gracelessly running out of their show due to being triggered is one of the subjects I choose to ruminate about.
I finally decided that in order to LET IT GO, something had to be done, so I messaged one of the guys (J) who I’d communicated with in the past to ask if anyone noticed and to apologize.
Was kinda thinking he’d consider the message too trivial or pesky to bother with, but he actually responded. What was so healing was, well first, that he actually responded, and secondly that he took the time to write, amongst other things, that he appreciated that I cared about offending them and assuring me I hadn’t, and he said they appreciated my support.
I know he would’ve written the same for anyone, but for me the fact that he cared enough to respond (without derision) and to take the time to write all he did helped to affirm that I can have value to others, even when imperfect. (And, as an added bonus, it gave me one less thing to obsess about. Woo-hoo! :))
I’m also dealing with the abusive marriage. I don’t know that I ever really dealt with that era because I knew that the effects of the childhood abuse, and my not dealing with that, was what subconsciously drove the decision to marry the ex.
(And God, and faith, {and me!} that ended it. Hallelujah!)
So throughout the healing process I’ve been focusing on the childhood crud without really considering how much the marriage contributed to the overall sense of worthlessness. Before meeting the ex I wasn’t all that concerned about getting married but had the hope that if I ever did, it would be a life long union of mutual love, respect, faithfulness, fun, etc.. I’m now understanding that, on some level, I (chose to?) believe(d) that what we had was the only type of ‘love’ I deserved (which wasn’t love at all). And yes, that relationship did contribute quite a bit to the whole “I’m not worthy” b.s.. As I’ve written about a couple of times lately, now understanding I AM worthy of real love, yet not yet convinced I can receive and give the type of love I, and my man (if that truly is a God given possibility) and friends/family of choice/other mortals, deserve.
So anyway, a local women’s shelter started a support group for survivors of domestic abuse. I went to the first ‘group’ meeting and was the only person (aside from the facilitator, ‘L’) who showed up. L and I had never met before, and what I love is she decided to keep the group going even if we are the only two who ever show. As she said, we made a quick connection through our laughing so much together ;). I’m looking forward to significantly more healing (and laughter!) during the next several months.
On a different subject, couple of weeks ago I was working on the computer when I finally just put my head on the tabletop and dangled my arms down and thought, “I’ve GOT to do something FUN!”. Since it was after dark kayaking was out of the question, then remembered Gary Hoey, someone I’d never seen live before, was giving a free concert nearby. Took all of about five minutes to put some shoes on, leash the dog and jump into the car. (Probably one of those times I may have wanted to look in a mirror before walking out the door!:)) Had a great time – that dude can play guitar! I’ve only really listened to his Christmas covers and never realized what an amazing bluesy guitarist he is!
The next week the band Sponge had a gig not too far away and decided to go see them. I love several of their songs, especially “Wax Ecstatic”. Unfortunately, got there a bit late and apparently they opened with it. (Oops) Was so bummed, started to leave after someone told me that, but then thought something like “Oh he(double toothpicks) NO!” (The thought wasn’t quite so ‘clean’. Ahem.) and chose to stay. So glad I did – it turns out they have a lot of other good music, and I did get to hear ‘Plowed’.
At these shows I learned one more amazing thing about my oh-so-beloved dog, Cooper. I couldn’t afford a service dog for the PTSD so I adopted a dog from the humane society. He’d been there for quite some time, and I claimed him before even petting him.
Took him to some basic obedience classes to teach him to not chase squirrels, etc., and have since been finding out he was pretty well trained in other areas. What surprised me at these concerts was, as I was facing the stage, he was in back of me facing the world, so we were essentially butt to butt, which means, he had my back!!!! That’s something a PTSD service dog would do! Can’t recall if he’s done that since I brought him home, or if it’s something he figured out to do on his own. (Actually shedding drops of gratitude from the eyes while typing this.) Like a lot of people with PTSD, to one degree or another I am uncomfortable with anyone in back of me. (The only person I’ve ever (unthinkingly yet subconsciously intentionally) put in back of me was Great Guy; usually with everyone else, if it’s possible they’ll either get ‘shooed’ to be front of me or I’ll turn my body to such a way I can keep an eye on them (again, without really thinking about it).
Do you have any idea how it feels, after so many decades of feeling so damn vulnerable, to be able to trust that a being (who’s actually in my life, full time!) does have my back? An indescribable, decades in the waiting, RELIEF. This is why one of my goals is to be able to raise funds and to train service dogs for people who have ‘non-combat’ PTSD. Most of us can’t afford $30,000 for a fully trained dog, and insurance/organizations usually only cover war veterans (they deserve the help; not begrudging them).
When I started writing the first of these two posts last week, the initial theme was about having to have a faith in order to truly love a being the way they deserve. Just realized, my dog is teaching me how to do this.
Thank you, Cooper. And God, for leading me to him, and that You made sure I got him, and I didn’t even have to jump through hoops and be perfect.
There’s a life lesson being birthed right now – maybe I am (finally) realizing I can be ‘good enough’ without perpetually obsessing about whether or not what I am about to do, or just did, meets someone else’s unspoken (imagined by me) specifications. Always believing that what ever imperfect thing I may (or may not) have just done nullified any positive relationship in the making, thinking the other person will reject me.
If God and my dog can have my back and want the best for me, then maybe the right mortal two-leggeds can, too???? (Including me).
(Wow – quite a few tears shed pushing that beautiful truth out. I pray I keep it.)
In honor of missing “Wax Ecstatic” being played live, that’s the video. (LOVE the opening guitar riffs!) Have been listening to this song repeatedly since the concert and it picks my spirit UP every time. (Not sure ‘why’; don’t think it’s written as a positive tune.)
