Part 3 of Reaching Out by Speaking Up

10/5/22

(To know who LP, EP, and GG are, please use “Cast of Characters’ tab on the Home Page.)

Hi Honored Person!

How has your week been?  What is something you did that you’re proud of this past week?  Care to tell us about it in the comment section at the end of the post?

For me, well, I haven’t lived this week yet! 🙂 I’m writing this about a week before it’ll be posted because I’ll be helping at a retreat for several days. So, I’ll say I’ll be proud of doing that, and the talk I’ll be giving there, too.  

Three weeks ago I started a trilogy of posts titled “Reaching Out by Speaking Up”.  I had given a talk about being a child sex trafficking survivor several weeks ago and broke it up into three parts to use for several posts.  The first two have already gone up, and this is the last. 

I messed things up a bit by writing last week’s post without adding the rest of the talk because  when I’m back home from the retreat I may need a little time to decompress (it’s a pretty busy and intense three days for everyone) as well as time to process how my mind and heart will be reacting after giving a talk on Sunday.  (That can be quite the experience, as described in the first two posts in this series.)

But first I have to mention, I’m sitting here in an abode with no pets because I took them to trusted friends to take care of at their homes while I’m gone.  It’s surprising how lost I feel without them!  

Those feelings written about at the end of the last post, the ones that are coming up as I’m integrating one or two of my ‘splintered’ selves are really intense now.  Without the critters to distract and help me feel protected, I (Elder Pearl’, ‘EP’) am understanding why Little Pearl (‘LP’)  looks for Great Guy (‘GG’) all the time and keeps hoping she’s seeing him whether he’s really there or not.  (Like in the black truck mentioned in previous post, or when walking, etc.)  

EP is now consciously feeling the terror and vulnerability LP lived with e-v-e-r-y day as a child and has been carrying subconsciously ever since.  I’m constantly trying to find the person LP thinks is safe and will protect her not just because of feeling too vulnerable on her own, but also because it effing hurts so damn much to know no one does care enough to intervene and that she must not be worthy of being rescued from the hell she was going through.  LP’s been searching for someone to prove otherwise to herself.  

And, perhaps to also prove to the others she IS worthy of someone’s loving consideration and protection.   

(LP’s mother would say a victim should ‘protect their self’ no matter how much bigger and how many were against her; she wasn’t about to intervene, and a victim shouldn’t expect anyone else to, either.) 

Elder Pearl knows God is always near, but Lord, it would sure be nice to be able to believe (and receive) someone a bit less permeable has my back, too, ya know? Thankfully, I’m pretty darn close to figuring out how to do that!

Now on to the rest of the talk . . . 

“What’s also amazing is, I am now able to FEEL joy as well as sorrow, to laugh and feel the giddiness of it, to feel awe, and even anger, guilt and shame instead of just acting it out without knowing where it came from, is making the work worth the effort.  

And contrary to what I once believed, I now know I do have something positive to offer the world so I’m learning to live a fulfilling life of purpose, FUN, and, of course, LOVE. 

After many years of listening to people like Bishop T.D Jakes and Joyce Meyer, reading the Bible, doing the work mentioned previously, and getting increasingly better at choosing friends who know what God, I, and the human spirit are capable of, I am finally fully understanding who I truly am, which, like everyone of you are in case you need to be reminded, is a beloved child of the Most High God who is just as worthy of all the love and blessings he has for me as everyone else is. 

And I can guarantee you, the traffickers, perpetrators, those who choose to protect them, and they who would rather live in denial, would love to keep people like me believing we’re worthless because that’ll keep our mouths shut and keep us from thinking we can do something to change the status quo.  Don’t let them.

We also deserve to be set free from the strongest chain that ties us to our perpetrators – anger and bitterness.  

As Howard, a wise teacher once said, “You can forgive people, you just don’t have to be stupid about it.”  In other words, 1) we can show mercy, but we don’t have to maintain a relationship with the perpetrator(s), especially if it will continue to cause us to live a life that’s crippled because of their proximity.  And 2), mercy doesn’t necessarily mean you never call for legal action if you have what you need to move forward with it and/or the perpetrator shows no genuine remorse and is likely to or is actively repeating their offenses.  Sometimes mercy is allowing people to face the consequences of their actions so they can get the help they deserve to change the behaviors that bring them so much shame. Because let’s face it, any shame brought on by crimes against humanity and animals belongs squarely on the perpetrators, and somewhere inside of them, they know it, too, and would like to be freed of it.

Forgiveness is an ongoing process, but persistently making the choice to do that is setting me free from “The Swells”  They’ve hijacked enough of my life, first through their deeds, then through how it effected my mind, heart and spirit.  I refuse to donate the rest of my life to their continued control by remaining bitter and angry and fear based on their behalf.   I’m a work in progress on those fronts, but I’ve come a loooong way, and have complete faith that freedom is in the offing.  It’s what I deserve, whether those who couldn’t care less about my well being ever offer a sincere apology and atonement, or not. 

What had gotten me through the time, complexities, and pain of healing is knowing that someday I would be turning what some people meant for evil, into good, by reaching out to fellow survivors and speaking up for them until they find their own voice again, and to give God back to them.  I’m (imperfectly) allowing God to help me transform all the rage and bitterness I’ve carried for too many years, into the true power of love, compassion, empathy and kindness. That’s the only way we’re ever  going to overpower evil because bitterness and rage only adds to their coffers.  

I’m also looking towards starting a non-profit to raise funds to help survivors of trafficking and other non-military horrors get a PTSD service animal if they’d benefit from one.  Military veterans can get government aid to help defray the costs of a well trained, $25,000 (and up!) service dog, which they very well deserve.  For us, though, we’re on our own and I don’t know too many survivors who have that kind of money.  

And that’s just the first step towards an exponentially larger picture & amazing life filled with love and purpose for me, and like every other survivor, I AM WORTHY of all of it, 

In the Bible God promises many times (and I’m paraphrasing here), that He will repay survivors at least double for our trouble if we keep the faith and persist on our healing journey with Him;  no one is the exception, including you or me.  Lord knows, Ima worthy and ready for it!  Lay it on me God!  Amen!”

A d.j. introduced a song with, “Remembering Alice Cooper . . . “  and I thought he meant my favorite uncle (I wish he was my uncle) had died!  HORRORS!!!!! Thank God the d.j. didn’t mean that! But those few minutes of grief lead me to believe I gotta show the dude some love by playing one of his videos. So here’s “Elected” from “Official Alice Cooper”  (It may take a minute for the video to appear.)