A Tribe To Help Keep the Faith

(A tribe of birds outside my window)

11/18/22

Greetings Good Person!

How’re you doing this day?  

Can you think of a time when you were struggling with some dark emotional issue that seemed to have the best of you but then a resolution arises and conquers the fear and angst? (For a while, anyway!)

That’s kinda what this past week has been like for me.

I know that the ‘path to healing’ is  not (usually) a line that goes straight up; it’s more like 3 steps forward and 1/2 – 2 & 1/2 steps back, and zig zagged, seemingly barricaded for a time, and whatever else.  

Before I delve into the next part, I want to explain that I don’t expect all others to believe in the exact same theology I do. Everyone has their own ideas and I don’t think I’ve ever even met two Christians who agree on everything.  I think God made us all different for a reason, and therefore our thoughts will never be the exact same as another.

If you’ve read several of my posts then you’ve probably realized I’m a (very imperfect) Christian, and always have been to one degree or another.  My hope is to continue to grow my faith while knowing ‘perfection’ is unattainable in this life.  (Thank God for grace!)

Yet it wasn’t until about the last few years that I’ve acknowledged that satan exists too, and is alive and well and might mess with someone he thinks is vulnerable and a threat to his status quo.

I mean that in the sense that I do believe evil was part of the hells I survived in childhood – the sexual abuse and trafficking and child sexually abusive material I was forced to participate in. Not to mention the abusive marriage and other incidents, some of which I’ve written about in this blog. As long as I stayed trapped in the effects of the maltreatment, believing I had no value and had nothing to offer anyone, then satan didn’t have to do much to keep me down.  But as I’m climbing out of the pit and realizing I DO have what it takes to pursue my life’s purpose and have a desire to fully experience love in all it’s forms, and making significant progress in those realms, I now occasionally experience what could be ‘spiritual attacks’, as how the speakers I listen to and people I talk to describe it.  

I’ve been feeling increasingly hopeful about everything and confident that I am FINALLY at the cusp of all I’ve been working towards when I had an ‘incident’ several days ago that I’m not sure how to interpret, nor explain.  It comes down to, I was listening to a well respected Christian teacher explaining a Biblical event concerning the Israelites.  They didn’t have faith in what God was doing for them so they constantly grumbled and complained and tried to take matters into their own hands and even worshipped other gods.  After many years of this God lost His patience so only two of the original Israelites (the ones that kept faith)  made it into the promised land.  The teacher ended with a kind of warning that if the listeners allow doubt to rule then there’s a chance ‘you’re losing your destiny’.  

Lord knows I’ve had a very wavering faith over the years, done A LOT of complaining and not following through with what I think God was asking of me.  Yet I apologize when I realize it and ask Him to help me to heal whatever it is that keeps me negative. (I’m getting better about that and am still a work in progress.)

Lately I’ve been receiving so much encouragement that I’m on the right track pertaining to my life’s purpose, and more opportunities are opening up towards that goal.  

For so many years my credo was, “I don’t need anyone God, I just need You” and as my heart had been turning from stone to flesh I’ve felt a deepening desire for relationships of all types, and am making significant progress in letting people into my life. Even recently wrote about allowing myself to believe in and revel in the love of good group of people I worked with at a retreat, and that I am learning to reciprocate more and more by doing for others on a personal level.  

Last week I wrote about a recent experience that gave me more of a steady hope that even romantic love is a possibility when I’m ready.  

I have peace when praying about all these things and so much more, and that peace has been permeating into everyday life.  (Hallelujah!) 

I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for how far I’ve come.  My comfort zone used to essentially be my bed; it would take a herculean effort to crawl out from under several layers of blankets for a few hours a day.  There were many times I’d literally barricade myself in the abode; pile up furniture in front of the doorways to make damn sure if anyone was going to force themselves in they’d have a heck of a time doing it, and I’d be plenty forewarned if they tried. 

My fantasy used to be I’d own 500 acres with an 8 foot tall electrified fence with rolls of razor wire along the top of it lining the full perimeter of the property.  I’d have a line of thorn apple bushes completely surrounding the outside of the fence, and rows of pine trees just inside it.  There’d be several security people patrolling the property at all times, and one egress from the property that had an electronic 10 foot tall gate that only I had the remote for.  

Even imagined what kind of barriers could be used where a stream would flow out of my property so no one could wiggle their way in under those areas where the fencing wouldn’t go all the way down. 

Get the picture??

But for some reason God planted seeds in my heart that someday I was going to turn what people meant for evil into good by becoming an overcomer and eventually reaching out to other survivors. 

Now here I am in spite of the initial complete lack of self worth and (some still ongoing) negativity,  self sabotaging thoughts and tendencies, complex PTSD, Dissociative Identity Disorder, ‘Attachment Disorder’, and ‘major’ depression I was diagnosed with.  The depression is a thing of the past and the other ‘issues’ are becoming so much less of a hindrance to living a full life.  Don’t know that I’ll ever be completely cured, that’s up to God; I’ve certainly been doing my part to facilitate the healing.  

With God and so many good mortals He’s brought into my life (whether I noticed them or not), I’ve come so far and now actually invite (and enjoy!) having people in my home. I participate in several groups, and help out in various capacities whether at church or other volunteer opportunities.   I’m also giving talks, moving forward in reaching out to others, writing a bit, have some good friends, and greater hope for that healing, HEALTHY romantic relationship and so much more.

So, to have those four words, ‘you’re losing your destiny’ knock me down like they did kinda ticks me off.  I couldn’t figure out what it was pertaining to and had thoughts of “well, if it’s about not having better relationships then why keep trying?”, “If it’s about writing, ministry, being able to help anyone then why continue to keep pushing the comfort zone?”, “It’s been so damn hard at times working on all this, life would be so much easier if I just gave up.”  When I went to a friend’s funeral I had that cold, disheartening sense of ‘otherness’ return and couldn’t feel the love and care of the amazing group of people I had felt so close to just weeks before. 

And even though I KNOW the path to healing is like that, I still was struggling with the hopelessness.

Those negative words could’ve been from the nether world trying to keep me down, or my own self-sabotaging doubts.  Or even God could’ve been letting me know that my inconsistent faith is causing a problem.

But because I now have a tribe of friends to turn to who I can trust to be honest even if they thought the worst could happen, their positive encouragement is restoring that hard earned hope and faith, which will continue to grow.  

No matter what, God and I and the good people He’s brought into my life will get me through whatever comes up (even positive stuff! :))

And I’ll do the same for them, and you, if anyone should ask.

In honor of Pat Benatar and her beloved hubby Neil Giraldo (finally!) getting into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, today’s video is “All Fired Up”.  Thank you to Kittyup1 for posting this to youtube!