Discomfort Zones, Shame and Blessings, Oh My!

12/21/22

Aloha Angel!

How is your week going? 

Do you ever have the inclination to push yourself out of your comfort zone?  If so, do you usually do well the first time with no repercussions, or are you kinda like me; it’s a trial with some errors and in time with some practice, a victory?  (If we learn from it, no matter what, it’s a victory in some form, right?)  

And sometimes, there’s emotional reverberation no matter how the ‘pushing’ ended up.  

But first . . . 

Where I walked my dog the other night someone had decorated a park bench for Christmas!  Isn’t that pretty cool?  I love stuff that like; a little effort extended in order to put smiles on others’ faces! (Pictured above.) 

A couple days earlier, while walking in this same park I fell!  With being a ‘substantial’ woman (of substance thank you very much! :)) there’s enough padding so few worries in terms of getting hurt physically, just a knock to the ego. And between the weight and legs almost healed from their individual traumas from a couple of weeks ago – well – let’s just say, if there were any witnesses they certainly had something to tee-hee about!

But I didn’t swear while landing (shockingly enough) and got right back up again.  

It reminded me of a few years ago when I had three dogs, each in the 65-85 pound weight range.  If I fell while walking them, I knew no gallant price on a white steed would be coming to the rescue, so no matter how much my ankle (or ego!) would be hurting I was the only one who could pick myself up and continue walking.  And every time, no matter how sore the ankle, within the first few steps any pain was completely gone and forgotten about.

Working on learning how to do that with the emotional repercussions from moving forward in my life’s purpose.

I was graced with the opportunity to give a brief talk, along with a few other survivors of sex trafficking, at a fundraiser for Women at Risk (WAR) International.  WAR is an amazing nonprofit founded by Rebecca McDonald.  Among other things, they pull children and adults out of trafficking situations and give them a safe place to heal and learn how to live a fulfilling life.  

In the days leading up to the fundraiser I was (once again!) doubting what I’m doing.  Even though they don’t deserve the consideration, I’m still afraid of offending the family.  So grateful to remember what my therapist said the last time my faith wavered about this; it doesn’t matter if they believe me or not, or if the guilty parties ever acknowledge what they did – it does not diminish the truth nor negate what I’m doing.  It didn’t completely offset the doubts and it did keep the fear from winning. 

So, anyway, I was late leaving the abode to drive the 200 miles to where the event was held, and getting frantic about it.  But that gentle voice of Spirit whispered into my heart: “It’s ok; it’s as it should be”.  Couldn’t figure out ‘why’ but chose to listen (for a change!) and relaxed a little.

Within sixty miles of the destination a tire blew out while driving 80 miles an hour on the highway.  I didn’t lose control, thank God! Long story here but it came down to, I didn’t want to  put the small spare tire on since I would be driving for at least 260 miles before it could be replaced. So I chose to have the car towed to a nearby repair shop I knew nothing about to have a new tire put on.  When I went to pay the $232.98 bill, someone else already paid for it!!!! (In a random act of kindness sort of way!) 

Wow!  Had to cry a little about that, of course (in gratitude). 

WAR had said they’d make the hotel reservations and pay for whatever nights I chose to stay; I had told them one night.  A day or two after that I had changed my mind and called the hotel and reserved the room for another night on my own credit card, being very specific I was paying for that first night, then letting the WAR reservation pay for the second.

Well, when I got there the reservation clerk had deemed that I was trying to take advantage of WAR’s generosity and said that Rebecca told her, “WAR didn’t do things like that” and had cancelled my reservation.  So, I had to rebook a room for the two nights.

After the event, when I got home and realized the hotel had charged both nights to me, I called the hotel manager to straighten it out and she took all the charges off my credit card.  Then I e-mailed Becky to tell her what happened and that I was sending a check for the night I had booked.  She replied she would pay for both nights since she’d offered to initially. (And, she had never talked to anyone at the hotel.) 

So, I ended up not paying for any of the hotel stay, got a free tire, and while at the event someone so generously gave me a $100 gift card!! 

Even after having received almost $500 in unexpected gifts, I was still questioning God about whether I was doing the right thing! I was kindly reminded – “Did you not just acknowledge all that was done for you this weekend?  How can you doubt it?”  

Oh yeah, I guess that’s a valid point! 🙂

At the event, Becky knew there was one aspect of the hell I’d survived but don’t talk about (and only alluded to once in the blog, back at the beginning).  It’s probably the most debasing thing endured, definitely one of the most shame producing.  I’ve always wanted to speak about it because I know I’m not the only one to have ever experienced it, and I want others who have to know they’re not alone (or, maybe I want to be assured of that).  It’s also one more component to why I push others away; I fear that if people I care about found this out, then that would cross the threshold of what they can tolerate about me and walk away.  

So I wimp out when the time comes to mention it.  

When I didn’t say anything about it at the first event, as Becky was talking at the second she told about some of the cases she’d worked on, and what the children endured.  And she mentioned beastiality.  (I’m crying in shame and fear while typing this.) 

(See? You can walk away now . . . and I promise, no hard feelings. Sadness of course, but I get it – not everyone can handle stuff like this, and that’s not a character flaw.) 

Becky opened the door for me to say what I most feared without forcing the issue, and I am so grateful to her. I mentioned it once, without elaboration, at each of the last two talks.   

So now I’m dealing with the ‘emotionally delayed’ shame and fear reactions. Technically, I know there was victory because I had the courage to mention it, and that any shame belongs to the predators. I’m praying to God now’s the time to let that knowledge sink into, and eradicate, the core of it.  (I keep believing.) 

Because of the hugs from the Becky and the other amazing survivors afterward, I know some people don’t hold against me what others did to me as a young child, which helps to off load some of the shame; just not so sure all others can do the same. So frequently, it’s the survivors who deal with the fallout of the hell they endured while the seemingly ‘swell’ perpetrators walk and live (and sneer at their victims when no one important is looking) freely.  

Those ‘swell secret sneerers’ cannot continue to devalue my (or anyone else’s) life.  This is one more step in unchaining myself from them and the effects of what they did.  

If there’s anything that shackles you, may you also be released to fully enjoy your life.  And if you’re not free yet – I have full faith you will be, too.  We are worthy of doing what it takes to get there, and we have all we need to accomplish it with faith, Grace, time and effort. 

I’ll pray for and support you every step of the way.

For whatever Holy Day you may or may not observe this time of year, I wish you a beautiful day and am believing for an amazing year ahead for you.

And by the way, in case you need reminding (but please don’t feel ‘obligated’), performing random acts of kindness and beauty really does bring some light into our (and others’) darkness.

For me, Trans-Siberian Orchestra (TSO) IS what Christmas music should be :)!! (All apologies to those who think not all Christmas tunes need to be ‘electrified’!)  (Just kidding – no apologies at ALL! :)) “Oh Holy Night” by Adolphe Adam is a song about redemption.  TSO’s version doesn’t have the lyrics of redemption, so they’re printed below the video. 

Oh Holy Night!
1 O holy night! the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth.
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope- the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees! O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!

2 Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the Wise Men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our Friend.
He knows our need— to our weakness is no stranger.
Behold your King, before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King, before Him lowly bend!
3 Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother,
And in His name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we;
Let all within us praise His holy name.
Christ is the Lord! O praise His name forever!
His pow’r and glory evermore proclaim!
His pow’r and glory evermore proclaim!

Source: One Lord, One Faith, One Baptism: an African American ecumenical hymnal #267