12/29/22
Hi Amazing Person,
How’ve you been doing? As always, if you’d like to share (‘cuz I do care) please let me know in the comment section after the video (and lyrics, should I think to include them). Your request will be honored if you ask to keep your comment private.
It’s funny (sort of!), pertaining to that decorated park bench that’s in the picture above and was mentioned in the previous post; I’ve replaced the batteries in the electric candle twice now trying to keep its light burning, and today it was out again. Unfortunately, I didn’t have anything thing on hand to fix it this time. Feel like I’m letting the person down who did such a good job of making the bench festive!
Do you ever do something with a specific intention but don’t really think it through, so you just end up doing something . . . um . . . socially inept might be the kindest way to describe it? 🙂
For example, I don’t usually answer the phone if I don’t know who’s calling, but I did a few days ago I did even though I was in the middle of doing something and in a pissy mood. When all I heard was background noise after saying ‘hello’, I just hung up instead of waiting more than a second for someone to respond.
Later it occurred to me it could have been someone from a group of ladies I issued invitations to for a game day at my house, so I called it back.
A man answered; it may have been the voice of someone I’d have liked to talk to yet I wasn’t sure (or if wasn’t him, then it could have the husband of one of the ladies), but since I won’t tell someone my name unless I know for sure who the other person is, and I wasn’t going to ask who he was because I thought it would be rude since I wouldn’t tell him my name first, I ended up just mumbling something brilliant I’m sure (ahem) and hung up.
Doh! How does one recover from that? 🙂
Shoulda just let it go to voice mail the first time so I’d have known who it was!
(Although, as of tonight I can’t access the voicemail. Wonder if it’s because my old carrier is merging with another? The new sim card came in the mail today, so perhaps they’re holding the messages hostage until I can get to a tech person to switch out the cards? They did tell me a couple of weeks ago that when the sim cards are changed out all voice mails will be deleted.) (Twits.)
What about you, have you ever made a social gaffe but didn’t rectify it correctly? Care to share your social blunder so I (and perhaps others) can laugh at you and feel better about ourselves? 🙂
To be honest (as usual), aside from trying to laugh at myself for that and other rather impressive missteps these last couple of weeks, I’m having a rough time emotionally.
One reason has been written about in previous years; the holidays can be rocky due to the abuses of childhood would be ramped up during the Christmas season. So now, subconsciously there’s still a lingering voice that essentially yells (quietly), ‘LOOK OUT! BE PARANOID! HELL’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN!’. That aspect has lessened somewhat over time but this year, with giving the talk and then writing about what I mentioned last week, shame and anger have been roiling up. That’s (supposed to be) a good thing because, as oft repeated in trauma survivors’ worlds: “You can’t heal what you can’t feel”, and “The only way to heal the pain is to go through the pain”.
And even though I know better than to do this, I’m still eating too much to try to bury it, without much success. Been doing what I can to release the shame and sense of worthlessness while replacing it with a more positive perspective of who I truly am: Beloved child/woman of God, worthy of ALL types of love and ALL the good He’s sending, as I’m ready to receive it.
So very grateful for the hugs friends have offered; nothing like someone embracing me to help dispel the lie that I must reek of and be covered in the sh*t the shame keeps trying to convince me I am.
A couple of friends have also texted to remind me I have value and/or they won’t let me push them away.
Thank you.
I have had a few people during the years of being in recovery that either reject me and/or the truth. For whatever reasons, they don’t want to believe the truth, or don’t want to believe that the people they know, love, and respect committed the horrible acts, or they can’t believe someone they know has survived this stuff. I’ve learned to not let their denial lead me to doubt what I know to be true, but it still hurts of course.
Sometimes, after a denier thought about it they’d offer an apology and become more accepting.
Other times, as is the case with a couple of friends (one of which has been around for most of my life and I’ve been spending quite a bit of time with lately) still don’t want to believe me and/or think that it should effect me like it does. Everyday I make the choice to keep these ladies in my life and/or helping them even though there’s a perpetual defensive attitude I have that sometimes causes me to treat them less that they deserve. They’re clueless as to when, how, and why I get triggered by them and neither really want to know or understand. I’m still figuring out to how to view this situation differently so I’ll treat them better when my psyche wants to strike out in pain. (If you have any tips, please share them! And yes, I do pray and ask God, etc., frequently. If you’d like to pray, too, it would be appreciated!)
(By the way, these friends do treat me well over all; their denial isn’t the sum total of our relationships.)
I also struggle with this time of year because of what it’s leading up to – New Year’s Eve.
Ouch and Ugh! I’ll be home, eating my heart out (literally – for the first part of that sentiment, anyway) while imagining the great guy I’d like to be spending the time with surrounded by women who are everything I’m not – easy to get close to and know (enough to quickly get horizontal with, anyway).
Or, someone who’s always well dressed, coifed, and made up; always emotionally stable, who lets him love her the way she deserves and she easily reciprocates; he’ll stand next to her no matter what, and she supports and loves him like he deserves. They’re in a faithful and lovingly committed relationship that grows deeper and more loving as time goes on.
ARRGGGH! Both scenarios make my head (and heart!) cramp and snarl! Kinda sucks wanting the best for someone, even if it’s not me.
I know that with all that I’ve been doing to heal, and the progress being made, my ‘freed to live and live FULLY’ time is coming soon. I have some good friends who consistently prove my value by treating me like I truly deserve, and I’m learning to allow myself to receive their love and genuinely give it. That thought puts a big ol’ smile on my face! Have definitely come a long way, Hallelujah!
I hope you have a wonderful rest of your year, and I’m believing for an amazing year ahead for you (and me!!)
Today’s song, “The Messenger” by The Tea Party is one of those songs I’d heard a few times but never really listened to, until it came on the radio during one of my worst emotional moments this past week. Wow. For a man to write those words, and then another to sing it like he does, like he really cares. Honestly don’t know how to express what it means to me, other than, it’s a wounded person’s sad, yet hopeful, attempt for a healing (for both people) relationship. “I’m not coming for the kill . . .” There really are people like this, aren’t there? Even when they know someone’s vulnerable and ‘easy pickings’, they’re going to intentionally hurt them? (I believe, Lord, please help my unbelief.) (SOON, dagnabit! :)) Thank you to TheConcertGoddess for posting this video!
The Messenger by The Tea Party got a letter from a messenger, i read it when it came. it said that you were wounded, you were bound and chained. you were ravaged, you were handled, you were poisoned, you were pained... oh no... you were naked, you were shamed. you could almost touch heaven, right there in front of you. liberty just slipped away on us, now there's so much work to do. oh, the door that closes tightly, is the door that can swing wide, oh no...not expecting to collide for a minute i let my guard down, not afraid to be found out. completely forgot, dear, what our fears were all about. oh no...there's no need to be without. if there's a chance, i would take it. this desire i can't kill. take my heart, please don't break it. i will crawl to your foothill. i'm frightened, but i'm coming. please, baby, please lay still. oh no...i'm not coming for the kill. (x3) - c. concord music publishing LLC
