Forgiving the Self

1/12/23

Hi!

How is your day going?  Has anything lightened your heart lately? Care to share in the comment section below the video?

For me, I had a lovely bevy of lady friends over for a game day.  It was so good to see everyone laugh and have fun! I’ve always loved playing games, even if I’m not on the winning side!  So glad I’m not competitive; would’ve had to have thrown several temper tantrums if I was. 🙂

What’s pretty cool is, some of us are horrible game players in the respect that our group kept trying to help each other get the most out of our turn by frequently looking over each others hands or trays helping to find the best moves. Love that! My kind of people, for sure.

The fun day helped balance the rest of the week’s work and drama . . .

Have a Sex Trafficking Awareness seminar planned for the beginning of April in a neighboring town, and we’re in the beginning stages of getting a second one set up forty miles in the opposite direction, several weeks after that one.

Also, with my church, just getting started planning a fun day for special needs children/adults in the fall. Looking forward to that, for sure!  (Which will be around the same time we have our Senior Citizen’s Celebration day; I’m getting a bit busy!)

My dog, Cooper, is having some difficulties with his hips and back so I left him at a friends house for a few days to reCooperate 🙂 because he couldn’t get up and down the steps to my abode.  The friend is also loaning me her car since she won’t be able to drive for a while. (It’s lower to the ground so it’s easier for Cooper to get into.)

I missed the beast; so glad he’s back home now.

Have also been working on healing some emotional stuff.

Been dissociating more than usual, and feeling some pretty intense fear and anger, most frequently in the middle of the night, of course.  So grateful for on-line videos!  Can listen to a couple of my favorite local band’s tunes and pretend someone I know is near without actually bothering anyone. Can also pull up encouraging talks by Joyce Meyer or some other favorite speaker to help calm down and eventually get lulled to sleep if the videos don’t do it. 

Just started an online course offered by Dr. Mark Virkler called “Prayers That Heal The Heart”.

I had originally started a different course but when I answered a couple of questions on the class forum, Dr. Virkler reached out to ask several more via e-mail, and then recommended I take this class instead.  The fact that he gifted this class module free of charge, along with a couple other very helpful resources that are offered for a fee on his website, helped to verify that this guy is legitimate and not a money grabbing fake. He also offers free simplified versions of his classes monthly to anyone who signs up at CWGministries.com.  I’ve taken several of those and have benefited greatly from them.

It’s amazing how, as the saying goes, when the student is ready the teacher will come.

Have had a few questions lately, most of which I never knew who to ask for answers.

One of the biggies is, why do my mind and heart always seem to be at odds with each other?  I KNOW how much better my life is now and have learned so many emotional and mental ‘tools’ to use to combat the old distorted thinking and fears, so why are some of the self-sabotaging and love-defeating behaviors taking sooo long to change?   

That was addressed within the first several paragraphs in the text book; the mind figures things out but the heart doesn’t heal with thoughts/logic. This course teaches how to reach the heart.

Another previously not understood observation was, it seems that I frequently cry when praying and can’t define why. Doesn’t seem to be about depression or past trauma or anything like that.  In one of his lessons Dr. Virkler mentions that people frequently cry when ‘in communion with God’.  Good to know there’s a (positive) reason for it!

(He uses scripture to back up his teachings.)

One of the free gifts he sent is a meditation that takes a person to the Sea Of Galilee.  I’ve done it in the past with one of the free modules he offered to the public, and it created such a healing image (which was written about it in the post “Receiving Redemption” dated 10/15/22).  

As mentioned above, more anger has been surfacing lately and I’d REALLY like to get rid of it and this meditation led me to work on that.  It took me back to some of the more difficult images and memories from the hell of childhood, along with being able to feel a deeper ‘layer’ of the emotions that are associated with them.  

Not surprising, it revealed more forgiveness is needed.  (Part of my brain is screaming “LIKE HELL!” right now.  Guess it’s feeling a bit vulnerable about losing that defense, eh?)

Kept asking God to help since I know I can’t forgive what they did without Him.  

Spirit whispered into my heart to repeatedly say, “I forgive you, dad” as some images connected to him and his cronies were coming up,  Took a few minutes to be convinced to do that, then just kept reiterating it over and over.  Still (trying to remember to) do that throughout the day, everyday, until it roots out the anger.  

Sometimes it still bothers me that I’ll never hear apologies from anyone who was involved.But really, don’t we keep ceding our power to those who wounded us if our forgiveness and freedom from their horrific deeds are contingent on their growing a conscious and apologizing? What are the chances of that happening? They can continue to wallow in their own hell; I’m choosing tonot let them keep me and the rest of my life trapped there with them. I deserve so much better, and so do you in case you need reminding.

I’ve also realized, there’s still a lot self forgiveness to do in terms of all the self sabotaging, ignoring and burying feelings and memories with food instead of facing and healing them, as well as all the self-inflicted harm over the years. 

It’s one thing to have someone you don’t know or is an acquaintance abuse you; a whole ‘nother depth is reached when it’s a parent or guardian who’s supposed to take care of you who does it.  And then there’s the deepest, most wounding form of abuse to acknowledge and forgive – when you do it to yourself.  How can a child have hope, and where can she escape to when the abuser is attached and ‘of’ her? No wonder why the ‘Little Pearl’ splintered part of my psyche played hide and seek for so long. 

So grateful that we must be building a better rapport now since she’s been revealing more of her painful memories and emotions lately. Hallelujah! 

(Right now I’m actually experiencing a visual representation of what ‘Little Pearl’ felt like when I was her/my own ‘pain inflicter’.  Sensing her panic, terror and horror as she feels like she’s trapped in a corner of a labyrinth, has absolutely no clue as to how to get out, while looking up at what’s looming over her and getting closer . . .)

I apologize, Little Pearl.  Please forgive me, and please know you can trust me now.

(I forgive me, I forgive me, I forgive me . . .)

I’ve been thinking about Mrs. H. lately. She was one of two (truly good and decent) adults that had residence in my heart when I was a young adult. When she died I was happy for her because she had been so depressed for the last year of her life and now she was free, but I really wanted a sign that she was happy.  

I was obsessing about the old adage, ‘happy are the dead that it rains upon’ while driving to her funeral. Then the first gentle notes of “Stairway to Heaven” came on the radio, and a light rain began to fall. I chose to believe it was that verification I was looking for, and ever since then whenever ‘Stairway’ is played my heart immediately thinks of Mrs. H. and smiles.  I LOVE this version that was performed at a Kennedy Center Honors ceremony in honor of Led Zeppelin.  Thank you, “Local Global” for posting this video!