Accepting Femininity

1/18/23

Welcome Wonder-That-Is-You,

How has your week been?  What, do you think, is the kind of an impact it’ll have on your future? Do you think it’ll matter much?

For humbled me, I think lasting changes are afoot.

A lot has been going on in a kinda painful yet emotionally and spiritually healing sort of way.  

Not sure where to begin . . . 

Well, first, there were a couple of self-revelations I’ve written about recently, pertaining to why I still struggle with receiving and giving kindness and/or love at times with anyone, more so with truly decent men, and especially if I’m attracted to a Great Guy. 

Every time I have a revelation I so want to believe it’s ‘the one’ needed to unlock the last chain to the hell of childhood, and I will be liberated to live and love like how I deserve to.  

And then I realize it’s another chain that’s released, but not ‘the final one’, apparently. Yet. But it’s always another step further into freedom, for sure. And being completely unfettered, as my therapist keeps reminding me, “is not a destination but the journey.”  I’m learning it’s ok to enjoy life and to not be so focused on complete healing to the exclusion of celebrating how far I’ve come and all that’s good and fun, including me. And you! 🙂

There’s been a painful truth hovering in my psyche for a while now, something I haven’t wanted to face because it seems so overwhelming to deal with. I keep hoping there’ll be a quick miracle that’ll fix everything and it’ll aaall be cured. 

I don’t want to write about this but I’m reminded of the purpose of this blog: To be honest so anyone else who may have been through this in whatever form – sex trafficking, child sexually abusive material, sexual abuse, bullying, rape, spouse abuse, etc., will understand they’re not alone, and maybe learn something that will help them, too.  And hopefully, for those who haven’t been through this stuff to better understand we who have.

I’m realizing on a much deeper level that being feminine has become so deeply steeped in shame. This beautiful part of me (‘her’) has been so used and abused by ‘them’, that I’ve deemed ‘her’ too ugly to exist and have buried ‘her’ in excess weight in an effort to just survive, really.  I can’t feel the painful emotions that are attached to ‘her’ if she’s numbed and entombed.  

As ‘her’ is resurrecting and becoming ‘me’, there’s better understanding that when I’m attracted to someone it causes me to acknowledge this aspect so then anger, fear, and rejection immediately come to the defense. This assures he’ll never see what’s so shameful, and I won’t have to deal with ‘her’.  

So it’s been a no-win situation for a potential partner and I.  My subconscious keeps finding ways to put blocks up even though that’s the last thing I want to do. I wound the other person by rejecting him, and I hurt myself by living in shame and self rejection, not allowing reciprocal love the way we both deserve, and knowing that I hurt someone who never deserved it.

Feeling the shame of being female has been so overwhelming these last several weeks, and I believe that’s because God knows I’m ready to heal it. 

He’s been doing that in several different ways . . .

My dog (Cooper) has been having spinal issues. When we get home after his trip to the chiropractor, he jumps out of the car and it undoes what the good doctor just fixed, then we’re back to square one.

I have no idea where this moxie came from 🙂 but one day I called and asked if the chiropractor would come to the house to adjust my dog’s spine.  I even made it clear that it wasn’t a ‘come on’; it would happen outside, on the porch so there’d be no misunderstanding. 

(I’ve had several incidences where I ask a male if they could help with something {that usually relates to their line of work, and I plan on paying WITH MONEY} and they come to the disgusted conclusion that whatever was asked must really mean “I’m trying to compete with your lovely wife and have designs on your virtue”.)(Snarl.)

So, after that lovely message I was sure it was time to find another chiropractor.  Surprisingly, his assistant called back and said he would do it, with no extra charge!  (He wouldn’t even take the tip offered!) 

And when I called and left a message yesterday to ask which would be better for the doctor for the next appointment, to adjust Cooper while still in my car at his office (I made a ramp for my dog to use with the car and porch, but it won’t fit in the car) or if it would be easier to do on my porch.  

Of course I knew what the answer would be, wouldn’t you? But he came back with whatever was easier for ME! Can you believe THAT?  Shame based female me can’t.  I’m so conditioned to believe that I, Lady Pearl, have no right to ask for such favor, and that he, as a male, couldn’t help but treat me as a loser for daring to ask.

It’s occurring to me how often that was the scenario throughout the earlier decades of life, and more fully feeling the ramifications of such misogynistic attitudes.  

I’m crying so many (healing) tears over this right now – such a depth of pain and (unearned) shame coming to the surface and beginning to heal.

Then I went for a massage. When I started going to this student clinic at a massage therapy school I asked to always have women for the sessions.  This time, a male was waiting for me.  NNNOOOO! 

I considered leaving, but convinced myself it could be a healing experience so decided to go ahead with it. I wore more clothing that usual, of course, and wondered how I could benefit from the experience if there were certain areas he couldn’t work on, along with the anxiety.  So, I laid face down so I wouldn’t see him, and proceeded trying to figure out how to not freak out. 😱

Started to imagine it was ‘my (imaginary) man’ who genuinely cared about ME (!) and is doing this because he actually wants to. THAT led to tears because I thought, “Would someone really do this, for me????”  Then the deepest desire for that to happen and the budding hope of possibility collided with the improbability that shame’s still trying to convince me of. (Shame’ll lose.)

In order to stop the tears and internal struggle I just let my mind escape so I wasn’t in the present moment. In spite of all that, the massage healed a part of my back that had been hurting for quite some time. And the therapist helped restore more of my faith in men because he didn’t take advantage of my vulnerability. Rationally, I KNOW most men wouldn’t, but when triggered and in ‘experienced trauma mind’ that’s hard to comprehend. This helped to allay that  fear a bit more.

Another healing moment happened at my guitar lesson. 

I’ve kinda committed to playing guitar at the next Sex Trafficking Awareness event.  I’ve written in previous posts why that’s a bit more nerve wracking than the usual fear of playing in front of people, so I’ve had some difficult emotional reactions while driving home after recent lessons. 

I was really dreading this week’s session, especially since my (emotional support) dog wasn’t going to be in the room.

Made a plan to at least postpone playing for a few minutes by asking the teacher if I could re-record his playing of the song we’re working on for the event. 

Well, the teacher was struggling with playing it right. 

I was so relieved that he makes mistakes, too, that I started laughing.  It may also have been a reaction to the stress I was feeling but it wasn’t a hysterical type laugh (I hope!)  More like a ‘hallelujah, he’s showing his imperfections, too!’ kinda thing. Or put another way, I had someone besides myself to laugh at for a change! (And I told him that!:)) (Hopefully his ego wasn’t too offended; he didn’t seem to be!)

That chilled me out.  And I ended up not having to play in front of him this time, which was such a relief.

It was another healing moment with a male because he didn’t get angry with my reaction, and didn’t try to take away the levity.  (That happened in childhood and marriage – be demoralized when I’d start to feel happy.)  (Sad to admit, I’ve done that, too; thank God for the ability to change.)

Looking forward to meeting with you again next week, and until then, if we think we have room to change, may we learn to abide in the truth that we’re good enough to live and enjoy life fully while in the process! (AMEN!)

Still reading Bono’s (from U2) ’we-moir’, so in honor of this being MLK week, the song is their ode to him; “Pride (In the Name of Love)”.  Great song.