4/20/23
Hi Beautiful and Handsome!
Welcome!
Do you know that you are, in fact, beautiful (Whether you’re a woman or man?) Truly, and there is nothing anyone can do to take that away? What’s something you can see in yourself (internal/soul/spirit included) that you can claim is beauty personified?
On behalf of my friends and readers, (me included?) I’d say it’s their (our?) good hearts; we may not always act like Heavenly angels, but we do our best to edify and be there for when another is hurting or in trouble.
On to this week’s topic . . .
I had this post mostly written (but not edited) when a not-quite-emergency with a friend occurred. She needed to have unplanned surgery quickly, and I was the driver to the hospital about 65 miles away. After recovery I drove her to ‘M’s house where she’d stay the night.
A few years ago I had told ‘M’ that I’d been sexually abused (so thankful I didn’t go into any other details). He acted all concerned while we were in my therapist’s office, but as soon as we walked out he started laughing (hard) while asking ‘who?’.
He was one of the people I sent a letter to about a year ago explaining that I was starting to speak up about what I survived. Again, didn’t go into details, didn’t mention the trafficking, sexually abusive material, several different eras of abuse, etc.; just that it was sexual abuse.
(He wasn’t the one of the predators I was alluding to.)
I haven’t talked with M since. His laughter when I first told him, low-grade disrespect for me and anger based personality didn’t inspire me to maintain a close relationship. (He is not physically abusive; just (?) resentful about seemingly everything.)
Needless to say, he contributed to the shame and ugliness I thought I was.
I think the post I started writing last week kind of dovetails into the experience of seeing him again. So, here’s that (finally finished!) post:
Recently helped to put on a human trafficking awareness event (HTAE) and it’s sometimes odd how certain moments can bring together seemingly unrelated issues that coalesce into one core (mis or healing) belief.
Let’s see if I can write this in an understandable way . . .
For so many years I’ve never really been one to seek out the attention of men, and if you know my history it’s not exactly a ‘wonder why?’. Over the course of life there has always been one man at a time with 4, maybe 5, total, who I thought would make a good romantic partner. But as mentioned in previous posts, there were reasons why I wasn’t able to receive their attentions when they looked my way.
I instead dated several males that didn’t matter much, and married someone who didn’t get too deep into my heart. Hurt me, of course, with his infidelity and abuse, and I never regretted divorcing him.
(Excuse the brief pause while I pat myself on the back 🙂 and thank God!!!)
And what’s weird is, I can’t quite figure out that those five men had in common, so it’s not like I’m drawn to a certain type in looks, attitude, job, spirituality, economic status nor kind of family they had – some had supportive, others quite dysfunctional, etc.
I don’t think any of them were in a committed relationship when I met or became interested in them; Lord knows, I would never compete with another woman if I knew they were. (I don’t compete for anyone or any thing.)
I could see the decency in one even though he might not, and the others seemed to know their value.
They’d reach out to me and I’d self-sabotage by unintentionally pushing them away, then wish they’d keep giving me ‘one more chance’ believing that if they did, I’d be able to be all they deserved.
Four of these men were before all the therapy and while I was still in denial, so I’d convince myself that just by sheer force of will I’d change in a flash if I had another chance.
This last man, Great Guy (‘GG’), well, he taught me I can’t rush anything if I want to heal well in order to have the type of relationship I’m holding out for: truly loving, faith filled and faithful to each other, fun, imperfect like both parties are, and both partners knowing we’re worth the effort in doing what it takes to make the relationship ‘all that’.
Thanks to FINALLY beginning to see the value of myself, the old shame based beliefs and thoughts are coming out of the subconscious and into the light so I know how often they’re being repeated & deeply believed internally. I’m better able to counterattack them with A LOT of positive self talk and imagery about being lovable and having intrinsic value no matter what anyone ever said or did.
What’s kinda amazing is, as the true value and worth are building, I’m remembering and letting in past (and current) positive interactions with good men.
For example, I’ve written about how the only person I ever remembered defending me was the guy who, when he was around during the second era of hell (during childhood, sexual abuse by several males, sometimes in a gang type situation), and he sensed things were going to get ugly, he would covertly get me out of the situation.
Well now there’s a couple other memories surfacing of other gents defending me but in different ways.
The first occurred when, as a young adult, I was working with developmentally disabled people. One man was ‘set off’ by something and came at me; a couple male workers intervened and were able to (respectfully) subdue him before there was any injuries.
The other was, a few years ago I frequented a small cafe several times and the owner and I had become ‘joking acquaintances’.
I was meeting several people there and was running a little late. (Shocking, I know. Ahem.) Upon arrival I walked around the outside of the building hoping the others’ cars weren’t already there. But of course, they were.
Went into the establishment and the owner had noticed what I’d done and made a (kind) comment about it then said, loud enough for everyone else to hear, to not let the people who were waiting give me a hard time because they just got there themselves! And he wasn’t joking; it totally took me {and the others} by surprise.
Then, when we were leaving one of the ladies and I sat outside having a rather heated conversation, shall we say. The gent came out the door asking me if everything was ok? Wonder what he’d have done had I said ‘no’.
At the time I appreciated what he did, but then the armor of shame bounced the kind gesture off of me and it was forgotten.
A couple of weeks ago I ran into a man who had been at a talk I gave a few months ago. We never chatted until this brief encounter when almost in passing he made the comment that the talk was incredible, then he moved on. I just stood there in a ‘wait . . . what?’ sort of stupor and had to keep myself from rejecting the compliment by not responding with the “Hah! Yeah, riiiiight” that was rampaging through the mind.
Later on was able to remember and hold on to the compliment and not dismiss it due to shame. And that reminded me of how other males have supported and not judged or laughed after hearing my testimony.
Over the course of writing this blog I’ve mentioned a few times when I thought/hoped ‘GG’ had done something to reach out. I’m pretty sure he’d have defended me, too, if the need arose. Even though I couldn’t be positive because self rejection wouldn’t let me ‘see’, with confidence, what was going on it still got into my heart.
This is all proving to me something the late Wayne Dyer, a modern day philosopher said: “You’ll see it when you believe it.”
After the HTAE I was trying to remember what went on, and all the wonderful people, including men, who either came with their wives, participated or helped clean up. It was such a healing experience having all the people be so supportive and treat me with genuine respect, again, even after the testimony.
It’s taken so many years, but all the kind gestures guys have made have been slowly chipping away at the armor of self rejection and protection. And now that I’m finally understanding that I am, in fact, worthy, I can better remember their decent actions.
For decades I couldn’t acknowledge the positive things men were doing and so mostly just the negative was remembered. As my heart and mind are healing though, I’m seeing the positive that’s been offered all along.
Hallelujah!
Now the connection to the visit with ‘M’.
I had texted him throughout the surgery to let him know how our friend was doing. He always responded respectfully.
Then, what was so different was, I didn’t freak out as we were driving to his house. Was almost at peace, really. We talked a couple of minutes and it was mutually respectful, even thanking each other for helping (without an ounce of the usual sarcasm or animosity). For the first time in decades I wanted to lay down the anger towards that whole generation; been praying to be able to do that ever since.
Lord knows, I’ve come a loooong way on this road to forgiveness and peace and don’t know that fully trusting them is doable or even wise, but to let go of the rest of the anger that wastes so much of my energy and ability to love others is becoming more of a reality.
With much thanks to the men who treat women like we deserve, and with my faith in God and self (and others) growing so much, my sense of self worth is getting strong. I’m learning that even when others, including men (like some of the twits that work at the gym I go to) do disrespect me I don’t have to let it define me and ruin my day. And that’s allowing me to lay down more even of the self protecting armor.
Thank God! (And me!) And you, for your support and encouragement; it’ helping me to move forward.
I hope you’re getting ‘it’, too; that you’re strong enough to withstand another’s b.s. and not let it define you.
The song and video of “Learning To Fly” by Pink Floyd are such beautiful images of learning to soar over being ‘tongue tied and twisted’ and whatever life drudgery is holding us down. On the web page there are comments from pilots about how the video captured exactly what it feels like to lift off. Also love the Native American ways/spirituality that (I think) permeates it. (Thank you to Pink Floyd for posting this video on u tube.)
