6/3/23
Hi Delightful!
How’s your week going?
Have you ever taken a few days just for yourself? If so, how’d it go? Were you able to relax and just ‘be’?
I went on a several day private (with my dog) retreat last week. From the get go it was so special because I ended up with a room in ‘the lodge’ that was close to a beautiful lake. And what was really cool was I was the only person in the building so my dog and I had the whole lodge to ourselves! Woo-hoo!!! It was sooo nice and quiet and peaceful and the room was so much better than expected – actual hotel quality and so clean! (Until my shedding dog arrived, that is!) (Oops.)
Had a day or two of rest before a difficult memory emerged and what was so different this time was how the brain handled it.
Have you read any of the posts that mentioned a type of healing prayer where a person intentionally recalls an unresolved memory (they already had on a conscious level) and looks for Jesus in the room that the trauma was happening? And then the person being prayed over sees what He for them did in the moment? (In a healing, protective sort of way.)
Well this time my psyche did that of its own accord and it made the memory more tolerable.
I had a flashback from when I was about 6 years old, during the first era of hell (when the actual trafficking was happening).
I was in the room with a bunch of males (I refuse to call them ‘men’) in front of me, watching my horror begin to happen. (I was so small compared to them.) Not going into the details, but while I was in the midst of the predators the thought came to younger me to look for Jesus. A gap opened up between several of the males and there He was, standing in back of them. It was as if my spirit left the body and pushed itself through the males and went directly to Jesus. He quickly picked me up and held me in His arms while gently turning my head and covering my eyes and ears so I couldn’t see what they were doing to the body I’d left behind, and couldn’t hear their deriding comments. (Thank God.)
While this memory was surfacing it became apparent Jesus had kept me from knowing exactly what they were doing to me, or what I had to do for them, whichever it was (or both, I suppose). Kinda hope to never know if I can heal fully without delving into that.
Afterwards I wondered if how this memory was processed shows how much the Dissociative identity Disorder has healed, too. In the past, I would have become that small child and relived the horror of it all in the first person without any other part of my psyche giving any assistance or perspective of time. This time Elder Pearl was in the memory, encouraging ‘Little Pearl’ to find my way to Jesus, who really was (is) my Savior.
Before this, whenever the traumatic images would start surfacing I would sometimes literally (and other time just in my head), be yelling out to no one to please be with me, to don’t abandon (child) me to the hell. This time, I was there for me, and was able to lead myself to Jesus. Don’t now if I can describe what a difference that makes.
After I’d been home several days I nurtured myself healthfully (again) with a nicely discounted ‘combo package’ at a local spa.
Later that day I felt so mentally ‘together’. For the first time ever I lived out a line I always loved from an older Tom Hanks movie titled “Joe Versus the Volcano”. After many years of ‘Joe’ living a subpar life, he finally discovers his own inner strength and says (in a non-sniveling sort of way), “I am my only hope for a hero” (or something like that!:)).
It’s so liberating to finally understand (in an empowered, not snarling sort of way :)) that no one rescued me ‘back then’, and it’s impossible for anyone to go back in time to rescue me now. Never realized (or forgot) how much I was looking for that, believing I could never be enough to save my own life out of a victim mentality.
Ok. let me rephrase that. In spite of saying and kinda, sorta believing God is greater than anything that has ever happened or could happen, I never was able to trust Him enough to let Him. Now I’m understanding, if I can let Him into the very first moment of an agonizing memory or moment, I end up with the faith, strength and ability to, with Him, be there for myself. Only I can heal the “I can’t do that for myself, even at this age” (mis)belief.
Don’t know if this new way of believing is going to be ‘available’ 100% of the time, but now that I have experienced it and understand what it is, I have the memory and can re-claim it again, and again, until it becomes a habit and the ‘normal’ way of living. Hallelujah!
Just to be clear, I’m not saying the emotions connected to the memory are instantaneously healed. Writing this is bringing up some of the shame, pain, horror, etc., but it’s not overtaking me and leaving me curled up on the floor in a closet like it used to. So grateful for that!
Tomorrow is our next Human Trafficking Awareness Event and it’s different from what we’ve done before because we’ve designed it to fit the specifications of the group who asked us to do it. In spite of not having any of my prayer warrior friends there to support us because it’s a private event, It’s going to go well. A couple of friends have offered to pray for it ‘long distance’. Love that, and them, as well as the others who support this ministry in their individual ways.
Thank you.
In honor of the amazing Tina Turner, this weeks video is “Brother Bear – Great Spirits.” Rest in peace, rest in power, Ms. Turner. Thank you to Sveltana Istomina for posting this cute video of the song.
