Wise? Or Lack o’ Faith?

1/13/24

Good Day Glorious You!

Do you ever have times where you just can’t get yourself motivated to do much, or to push yourself our of your comfort zone? I’ve been dealing with that (or rather not dealing with it well) lately, so I’d really like some tips on how to push when inertia becomes greater than the guilt of not doing all (or even most of what) I ‘should’ be.

A few months ago I was invited to give a talk and be on a panel for a human trafficking awareness event at ‘Women At Risk, International’ headquarters in Grand Rapids, Michigan this weekend. 

It’s an honor to be asked and I was so geeked (if terrified!) to be able to that for them. I love the organization. 

Unfortunately, there are blizzard like conditions in that area and people were asked to not drive, so I wimped out. I’ve been in a couple serious car accidents, both in winter, and both my fault (ahem) so I just couldn’t make myself drive the (considerable) distance to get there. (I could imagine myself flipped over in a ditch somewhere and no one noticing for days. Or, worse yet, taking someone else out if I spun out.)

Not sure if that was wise, or shows a lack of faith and letting fear rule.

Fortunately they have several other survivors who, I’m assuming, will be able to get there so I probably shouldn’t feel so ashamed for not going. 

Yet, I do. And I’m the only one who can let it go . . . I think I will :).

I so appreciate Rebecca McDonald (the founder of W.A.R.) and all who work there for who they are, how much they do, and how they treat EVERYONE with such kindness and respect. There’s no judgement there, they understand survivors.

This is the talk I was going to give at the event.

Hello Good People!

Thank you for being here. For this survivor who was trafficked at a time when no one wanted to know nor cared to do anything about it, to see this many people who do care enough to take a Saturday out of their busy lives to be here, well, it really means a lot to me and I’m sure, the other survivors as well. 

My story is different than what most imagine yet actually kind of typical.

Family are the number one perpetrators of sex trafficking, and in my case both parents were involved.* My father would take me places where hellish deeds were perpetrated, and my mother knew and told me in no uncertain terms I had to keep my mouth shut about it. 

And like with most child predators, you never would have guessed what was really going on; you, too, would have thought the perpetrators were ‘swell’ upstanding people when you met them at church and other functions.

From about the age of 4 or 5, amongst other things, I was forced to perform sex acts with males of the species while others were watching and hooting and hollering. 

I was also used in child sexually abusive material which included things like . . . (not yet able to put this in writing; will only talk about it if Rebecca McDonald’s at my back. I’ve been shamed by several people I thought were trustworthy – one of my therapists and a couple of pastors. I am so grateful for those who can keep an open heart when someone reveals something the listeners are uncomfortable with. {Couldn’t they see how uncomfortable I was?} Which is why I know I do have to bring it up sometime in this blog, to let others who’ve experienced it know they’re not alone, and to give them a voice, too).

Not sure how many years that era lasted, I just know no one cared enough to intervene nor tried to understand why I was ‘different’, let alone tell me what was happening wasn’t my fault and that I deserved better.

There was other sexual abuses by a few others that began while I was still in diapers and into the teen years and of course, a lot of emotional and mental abuse and a bit of physical, too.

Because of everything I went through at the hands of those I loved and was supposed to have been able to trust and had to depend on in order to survive, I ended up with an attachment disorder, complex ptsd, dissociative identity disorder, major depression, was self abusive, had suicidal ideation, and other issues as well, as I’m sure you can imagine. 

For many years, when anyone would start getting close to my heart i’d reject them because I learned love equaled annihilating pain.

So, I married a man who was similar to the pattern; a ‘swell’ male who was loved by others and who only showed his denigrating and abusive side when no one important was looking. He never really got close to my heart so I didn’t push him away like I did other, good-for-me men.

After being told the old cliche a few times of if I ever left him it would be the last thing I’d ever do – what he (nor I, actually) never took into consideration was how much more powerful, capable and loving God is (for everyone should we chose to accept it!). I give all the credit to getting out of that mess to God. 

It’s actually a funny testimony about how He intervened. For the sake of time, let’s just say He was very patient through all my doubts and protestations that He didn’t know what He was asking of me when He told me to read His Bible: ‘Didn’t He know just HOW Many pages there were?’ And ‘about all the big words in it???’, etc.

One thing God has blessed me – and all survivors – with, should we care to take Him up on His offer is a purpose for the all the pain.

That’s what been keeping me going through too many years of various therapies (and praying) to brag about, (aaand counting!) I have begun fulfilling all the promises God put into my heart years ago when first starting on this healing journey. 

I have the blog, pearlunchained.com, which was birthed several years ago; some good people and I organize human trafficking awareness events on the east side of the state. 

I write and give talks with the goal of giving God back to the survivors who lost faith in Him, and letting everyone know God was never in the evil; He was there helping us to survive it and is in the healing process every step of the way. Also always emphasize the shame and guilt were never ours to begin with, and it’s time to put it where it all belongs – on the perpetrators and those who protect them. 

Another purpose is to help those who haven’t been through it (and perhaps, some who have) understand how trafficking can happen and how being trafficked can effect a survivor, in order to better help us.

And I’m just getting started; I know God has quite a bit more for me to do, as I’m ready.

I’m ready.  (Um . . . Maybe 😱:))

My biggest hope all along has been to learn how to let goodness and good God given people into my life; to allow myself to be loved in order to love the way we all deserve.

And that’s just one reason why I appreciate WAR International so much. They are willing to learn and teach all they can about this hell and actively and practically do something about it. They’re all kinda like God’s imperfect mortal angels who show everyone, not just we survivors, that by giving us the effort, love and respect some of us didn’t know we deserved, that we do have value, strength and purpose. 

Thank you.