5/12/24
HI Delightful ~
Have you ever unexpectedly and unintentionally been waaaay too honest about yourself? 😱
I was taking my dog to another vet appointment. (Apparently he didn’t fare a car accident as well as had been hoped and I’ve been trying to find a permanent ‘fix’ for a shoulder/back injury.)
This was a new vet for him and it was taking longer then expected to get there. So I pulled off the road to call to let them know I’d be late.
When someone answered quicker than I thought they would I was distracted and missed what she said, and without any forethought whatsoever, asked: “I’m sorry, I forgot to listen; did you say this was . . .?”
Couldn’t decide if I should try to explain that, or just acknowledge to myself it is essentially the truth and choke on the laughter until we hung up.
I chose the latter. Don’t know if she understood anything else I said . . .
(And what an awesome first impression!🤪)
C’mon now, it’s your turn! 🙂 What embarrassing truth about yourself have you accidentally blurted out to someone who doesn’t know you?
On to the regularly scheduled post now . . .
This past week my thoughts and emotions have been kinda like a pin ball in a pin ball machine; seemingly bouncing off of various walls, barricades, bumpers, etc. Over all, there was an impressive score, but it’s taking some detours and time to claim it.
Lately I’ve written a bit about ‘journaling with Jesus’. I learned the technique from an online class through CWG Ministries called “The Four Keys to Hearing God’s Voice”. I even facilitated a class where we watched dvd lessons over the course of ten weeks. The ladies liked it and said it’s helped them quite a bit, too.
Anyway, while journaling a few days ago a most wonderful thing happened . . .
You may know one of the areas I’ve struggled with is knowing my intrinsic value. I can say I’m God’s beloved child, yet my heart and mind haven’t been in full accord with that truth yet.
It’s kinda funny in that so many people (I know I’m not the only one!) who think we’re fully experiencing certain positive aspects to life and can come to a conclusion we’re completely healed from some wound, but we really aren’t. It’s more like, we’ve never felt better about the situation so we may think we’ve attained whole healing, or at the very least, the best we can expect for ourselves.
In all honesty, there are certain aspects to healing from the first few decades of surviving child sex trafficking, child sexually abusive material and all the other crap perpetuated by family and marriage, that I’ve kind of given up on. Or maybe a better way of putting it would be, I’ve lost the ability to believe I can do anything more to facilitate my own healing of heart so I’m trying to believe God will do the rest. But since I don’t know how He will, my faith can be shaky and I’ll get to thinking my life is as good as it’ll ever be.
Been realizing lately that there’s still a protective barrier between me and people, even some of the friends I’m so grateful to have. The barrier could be as thin as a screen or varying thicknesses of walls. If I try to break a hole through and reach out to those I’m pretty sure are worthy of trust, it seems as if the other turns away, or has other groups of friends they’ve known for a long time and I’m not really needed.
Or, my own healing-but-at-times-still dysfunctional defenses will cause me to push away those who might actually respond positively.
That includes God, too.
One of the things that comes up frequently when journalling is the sense that God is telling me to see myself as He does. He tells me he knows my heart, and how beautiful it is as evidenced by how I try to love well and do things to nurture healthy relationships with the right people (in spite of the snarling and snark at times. Ahem :)). I keep my heart and mind open to learning how to do better and am (usually!) willing to learn from mis-takes.
Usually while meditating before the journaling, I’ll see myself as I am today – substantially sized and all – running towards a laughing Jesus who is so very happy to meet with me. He’ll pick me up and we’ll twirl around or He’ll toss me in the air and catch me as if I’m a young child, and I’ll be laughing with Him.
I think He’s telling me, He’s ALWAYS happy to meet with me, I AM loved as I am, I’m never too much for Him in any way, He’s always got me, and is always here for me. He acts as if I’m beautiful and precious in His sight and there has never been nor ever will be anything that will detract from my infinite value to Him, nor mar the beauty of love He sees in, and exuding from, me.
While experiencing these visions I might genuinely smile, even laugh a little, and at times cry for reasons not always understood. I know occasionally it’s grief for all that was missed out on due to not accepting I was worthy of the goodness that’s been offered. Instead I had settled for the substandard, thinking I deserved it or didn’t know how to do any better.
At times I’m weeping for the joy of being with God like that, experiencing Him as my Heavenly, all-loving, Abba-daddy. And other moments tears leak because I so want to believe genuine love in all its forms can still be experienced here on earth, and frustratingly impatient because as yet have been incapable of allowing it to seep in the deepest wounds; even God’s love has been shut out to some degree.
But while doing the journaling the other night, for a while I was fully immersed in the love of God, knowing I am His cherished child. And knew just for that reason alone, I’m worthy of all the love and blessings God has for me and has been repeatedly telling me about while journaling.
The sacrifice and redemption Christ died and lived through for us (all of us, including YOU!) over two thousand years ago, out of pure love, can never be diminished. I was completely engulfed in God’s value me and was able to accept the ‘be-loved’ and ‘be-loving’ He sees in me. It was so pure, and filled with light! I was free of all the lies and baggage that tell me otherwise.
It was liberating, empowering, and powerful.
I claimed my true heart beauty based on what God showed me through His eyes. And even though that love hasn’t been (and still isn’t at times) visible to others or even myself, God has seen it all along and has been trying to get me to notice and live in it for myself as well as Him.
And you know what? He sees that same love, and beauty, in you, too. There’s nothing that was ever done to you, nor anything you have ever done, no matter how convinced you’ve been otherwise, that has obliterated or clouded your beauty in Jesus’ eyes. He’s always seen the love you are whether you or anyone else does (in case you need to be reminded of that)!
Wish I could say I’ve been able to keep that knowledge front and center ever since but that hasn’t been the case, which is part of the reason why my emotions have been ‘pinging’ about lately. But I also will never let that knowledge, and those feelings, be taken away from me again. And as I focus on the love that Jesus and God has for us, and the awe-inspiring full sensory reminder He gave me the other day, it is expanding and becoming a truth I’m residing in more deeply all the time.
My prayer is that you’ll take the time to do the same, too. In Jesus name, AMEN!
Have a great week, Delightful Being!
With love, 💜
Pearl.
Love the energy of this song by Elevation Worship ~ “Praise”. Yes, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!
