5/12/24
HI Delightful ~
Have you ever unexpectedly and unintentionally been waaaay too honest about yourself? š±
I was taking my dog to another vet appointment. (Apparently he didnāt fare a car accident as well as had been hoped and Iāve been trying to find a permanent āfixā for a shoulder/back injury.)
This was a new vet for him and it was taking longer then expected to get there. So I pulled off the road to call to let them know Iād be late.
When someone answered quicker than I thought they would I was distracted and missed what she said, and without any forethought whatsoever, asked: āIām sorry, I forgot to listen; did you say this was . . .?ā
Couldnāt decide if I should try to explain that, or just acknowledge to myself it is essentially the truth and choke on the laughter until we hung up.
I chose the latter. Donāt know if she understood anything else I said . . .
(And what an awesome first impression!š¤Ŗ)
Cāmon now, itās your turn! š What embarrassing truth about yourself have you accidentally blurted out to someone who doesnāt know you?
On to the regularly scheduled post now . . .
This past week my thoughts and emotions have been kinda like a pin ball in a pin ball machine; seemingly bouncing off of various walls, barricades, bumpers, etc. Over all, there was an impressive score, but itās taking some detours and time to claim it.
Lately Iāve written a bit about ājournaling with Jesusā. I learned the technique from an online class through CWG Ministries called āThe Four Keys to Hearing Godās Voiceā. I even facilitated a class where we watched dvd lessons over the course of ten weeks. The ladies liked it and said itās helped them quite a bit, too.
Anyway, while journaling a few days ago a most wonderful thing happened . . .
You may know one of the areas Iāve struggled with is knowing my intrinsic value. I can say Iām Godās beloved child, yet my heart and mind havenāt been in full accord with that truth yet.
Itās kinda funny in that so many people (I know Iām not the only one!) who think weāre fully experiencing certain positive aspects to life and can come to a conclusion weāre completely healed from some wound, but we really arenāt. Itās more like, weāve never felt better about the situation so we may think weāve attained whole healing, or at the very least, the best we can expect for ourselves.
In all honesty, there are certain aspects to healing from the first few decades of surviving child sex trafficking, child sexually abusive material and all the other crap perpetuated by family and marriage, that Iāve kind of given up on. Or maybe a better way of putting it would be, Iāve lost the ability to believe I can do anything more to facilitate my own healing of heart so Iām trying to believe God will do the rest. But since I donāt know how He will, my faith can be shaky and Iāll get to thinking my life is as good as itāll ever be.
Been realizing lately that thereās still a protective barrier between me and people, even some of the friends Iām so grateful to have. The barrier could be as thin as a screen or varying thicknesses of walls. If I try to break a hole through and reach out to those Iām pretty sure are worthy of trust, it seems as if the other turns away, or has other groups of friends theyāve known for a long time and Iām not really needed.
Or, my own healing-but-at-times-still dysfunctional defenses will cause me to push away those who might actually respond positively.
That includes God, too.
One of the things that comes up frequently when journalling is the sense that God is telling me to see myself as He does. He tells me he knows my heart, and how beautiful it is as evidenced by how I try to love well and do things to nurture healthy relationships with the right people (in spite of the snarling and snark at times. Ahem :)). I keep my heart and mind open to learning how to do better and am (usually!) willing to learn from mis-takes.
Usually while meditating before the journaling, Iāll see myself as I am today – substantially sized and all – running towards a laughing Jesus who is so very happy to meet with me. Heāll pick me up and weāll twirl around or Heāll toss me in the air and catch me as if Iām a young child, and Iāll be laughing with Him.
I think Heās telling me, Heās ALWAYS happy to meet with me, I AM loved as I am, Iām never too much for Him in any way, Heās always got me, and is always here for me. He acts as if Iām beautiful and precious in His sight and there has never been nor ever will be anything that will detract from my infinite value to Him, nor mar the beauty of love He sees in, and exuding from, me.
While experiencing these visions I might genuinely smile, even laugh a little, and at times cry for reasons not always understood. I know occasionally itās grief for all that was missed out on due to not accepting I was worthy of the goodness thatās been offered. Instead I had settled for the substandard, thinking I deserved it or didnāt know how to do any better.
At times Iām weeping for the joy of being with God like that, experiencing Him as my Heavenly, all-loving, Abba-daddy. And other moments tears leak because I so want to believe genuine love in all its forms can still be experienced here on earth, and frustratingly impatient because as yet have been incapable of allowing it to seep in the deepest wounds; even Godās love has been shut out to some degree.
But while doing the journaling the other night, for a while I was fully immersed in the love of God, knowing I am His cherished child. And knew just for that reason alone, Iām worthy of all the love and blessings God has for me and has been repeatedly telling me about while journaling.
The sacrifice and redemption Christ died and lived through for us (all of us, including YOU!) over two thousand years ago, out of pure love, can never be diminished. I was completely engulfed in Godās value me and was able to accept the ābe-lovedā and ābe-lovingā He sees in me. It was so pure, and filled with light! I was free of all the lies and baggage that tell me otherwise.
It was liberating, empowering, and powerful.
I claimed my true heart beauty based on what God showed me through His eyes. And even though that love hasnāt been (and still isnāt at times) visible to others or even myself, God has seen it all along and has been trying to get me to notice and live in it for myself as well as Him.
And you know what? He sees that same love, and beauty, in you, too. Thereās nothing that was ever done to you, nor anything you have ever done, no matter how convinced youāve been otherwise, that has obliterated or clouded your beauty in Jesusā eyes. Heās always seen the love you are whether you or anyone else does (in case you need to be reminded of that)!
Wish I could say Iāve been able to keep that knowledge front and center ever since but that hasnāt been the case, which is part of the reason why my emotions have been āpingingā about lately. But I also will never let that knowledge, and those feelings, be taken away from me again. And as I focus on the love that Jesus and God has for us, and the awe-inspiring full sensory reminder He gave me the other day, it is expanding and becoming a truth Iām residing in more deeply all the time.
My prayer is that youāll take the time to do the same, too. In Jesus name, AMEN!
Have a great week, Delightful Being!
With love, š
Pearl.
Love the energy of this song by Elevation Worship ~ “Praise”. Yes, Praise the Lord, oh my soul!