Heart Healing and Intuition

10/12/24

This post could cause triggers for some.

Hello Intelligent Individual ~

Do you believe in intuition? If so, have you been able to trust and act on yours, even without evidence? 

I recently had an experience that showed me that all the internal healing work I’ve been doing has taught me to trust a ‘God – nudge’, which created a good outcome in an iffy situation.

The effects of the work I’ve been doing to heal from the hell of childhood are being so deeply curative (and appreciated). The crap that’s being excavated and the truth that’s replacing it is also helping me to learn to trust my own instincts, even if I’ll never know ‘why’, or the outcome.

A couple of Fridays ago I had a LIVE on air radio interview (first time for me) to promote our group’s next event – a civilians’s first responder’s (CFR) seminar. (What to do if someone suspects sex/human trafficking – how to protect their loved ones and to be a hero for those who haven’t escaped yet.) We’re bringing in a world renowned expert, Rebecca McDonald who is the founder of WAR International, to speak.

First, I have thank ‘P’, the woman I met when we made the commercials to promote the CFR. She was easy to work (and laugh) with which quickly allayed the anxiety, and at the end of the meeting when she asked if I would consider being on the station’s morning program in a couple of weeks it was an easy yes – after she agreed to be there, too. 

And you know what? I was concerned she’d ‘forget’ or find something more important to do, but she followed through and kept her word – thank you, ‘P’! 

In order to ease the trepidation I felt about doing the interview she said I could write a list of  questions I’d feel comfortable answering and she’d give them to the d.j. 

Well, from the very first question it was evident he had no use for the prepared questions and it was like “Well, it’s time to learn to fly without a net, Pearl!” 😱

I was told by several people the interview went well, anyway . . .

On the way back home, amongst other things, I picked up the ashes of my beloved rabbit who unexpectedly died nine days after my ‘four legged security blanket’’/dog, passed away. 

Later that evening a friend called and said she had the ‘heebie jeebies’ and was concerned someone she knew was in danger; she was checking to see if I was ok. 

After we hung up I was kinda bugged. Over the previous several weeks I’d felt something similar about someone I care about, ‘G.G.’, but didn’t know why. I’d pray intently each time then (try to) let it go.

The call to pray for him became intense again and I wondered if my friend and I were concerned about the same person. I called her back and asked if she would say a rosary for him then called a few good prayer lines on his behalf.

I couldn’t relax so decided to drive around praying for friends whose houses I was passing by (and  others) as well as the drivers, people in assisted care facilities, churches, bars, etc. 

Ended up heading to where my favorite local band was playing, knowing the person I was concerned about would be there.

Since I was in ‘overwhelmed and under presentable’ mode (makeup had been taken off, crappy clothes, etc.) there was no intention of getting out of the vehicle, but once there decided to walk around outside the bar to hear the music, and continued to pray.

A bench was vacated so I sat, listened, and as it turned out, wept a little from the events of the day and the confusion of what I was doing now.

Then a black pickup parked across the road and an intense twenty-something year old male got out. He looked kinda angry as he strode past me to a path I hadn’t realized led into the venue. That sense of dread rose again so the prayers were amped up. Not two minutes later the man left.

Continued praying for him and the safety of whoever he seemed to be looking for and wherever he may be going next. 

The anxiety soon eased so I headed out.

I wasn’t convinced anything I did mattered, or was even ‘real’, so decided to do some ‘journaling with Jesus’ when I got home.

My coach for the ‘Prayers That Heal The Heart’ (PTHTH) course I’ve been taking had sent a list of love verses from the Bible to journal about to help me more fully grasp the concept of God’s love for His people. (Me included!?!) 

The one I was to consider this time was: “For Christ’s love compels me, because I am convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died.”  (2Cor 5:1) This verse, God-incidently, provided the answer to my conundrum. 

A portion of what came up while writing was: Sometimes God, out of love for his creation, compels us to do things we may never know the reason for. There could be occasions when He asks us to ignore (‘die to’) our feelings of discomfort, confusion and/or fear so we can accomplish something for Him. Kind of like He did for us on the cross (but on a much smaller scale of course).

There was peace when the journaling was done, as if God had convinced me to not let self-condemnation and doubt win again. He had a purpose for what happened, I accepted that and let it go.  

The friend who was praying said the ‘heebie-jeebies’ waned soon after the ‘prayer ride’ was over. I thank her for doing that – I’m convinced our partnership made a difference. (And my spiritual coach, ‘D’, who’s guiding me through the PTHTH process agrees with all of this:))

And I hope you too, trust your instincts when they seem to be asking you to do something, even if it’s beyond your comprehension ‘why’. I’ve heard of (and experienced) so many moments when people had inadvertently provided the answers to what were thought to be impossible petitions.

I wouldn’t have been able to trust that instinct to pray and drive to a bar I’d never been to before without the deep rehabilitation of my heart and soul that’s been happening lately.

As you may already know, among other things I am a survivor of child sex trafficking, child sexually abusive material, sexual abuse, etc.. 

One of the most heart and mind annihilating incidences of the latter happened when I was 9 years old, at the hands of a relative I was supposed to have been able to trust, and his buddies. 

I won’t go into details other than to say it was a reenactment of a scene from a movie.

When D and I initially worked on healing this memory a couple of weeks ago, I had only remembered a couple snippets and knew the movie that precipitated it, but wouldn’t allow myself to remember most of the details of the assault and film.

Another piece of that fractured memory that came up in this week’s session had to do with being calling a pig while being attacked. 

I cannot begin to tell you how all of that effected me, and wasn’t aware of the majority of it until now. 

Even though I’d been a skinny child, the denigrating way that was meant, along with everything else I’d survived, was how I began to see myself on a subconscious level. Whether I’m in great shape or not, fully made up and dressed well or not, I see essentially the same image when looking at my reflection. Even after getting haircuts and the cosmetologist has me look in a mirror to see what she’s done, I just vaguely agree with her because I can’t really see anything different. 

It helped to explain one more reason why I push people I genuinely care about away. How can I believe anyone genuinely wants to be a part of my life in a positive way if I consider myself too disgusting to be treated well?  

It also led me to understand why the last couple of times I’d noticed GG in my vicinity the thought, “I’m too ugly” rose up to a conscious level, and it drove me away again.

So now this lie, too, is being cured. 

Thankfully, I’ve believed God could love me ‘anyway’, and have been trusting Him (usually!) to lead this healing journey. He was already ‘on the job’ before this part of the memory revealed itself. 

One way is via the people He’s been bringing into my life who, by their kindnesses and actions, have proven I am someone of considerable value. Aside from what happened with ‘P’ that was mentioned above, a couple of similar instances happened this past week.

For example, I’ve just gone back to taking martial arts classes. (I had quit sometime before the covid shutdown). 

Both the husband and wife who run the dojang have been so encouraging over the years and are even working with me now on the financial aspect so I can get back to it.

While talking with the Mrs. a couple nights ago, she reiterated all they cared about is that I feel safe; I can pretty much do whatever I need to when there to take care of myself and they will ask no questions unless I want to talk. She explained she knows how much karate has empowered her and her daughter, they want that for me too, and they’re here to help me achieve that anyway they can. 

(Sniffle – but in a good way :)). 

Another person I hold in high esteem, Rebecca McDonald, recently told me she was doing something she’s never done before, for me.

It just amazes me how the right people show up with the correct messages we need when we’re ready to receive them, and so often even before we are. But those early blessings are planted as seeds that sprout when they’ve been nurtured enough (including by ourselves).

Another way I’m being cured of other people’s sickness is through PTHTH.

At our last FaceTime meeting, after the b.s. of what the perpetrators said ‘back when’ came up, my coach and I asked Jesus into the healing process. 

At first there was an image of myself as an innocent lamb, clad in pure white wool; so cute and freely gamboling around a pastoral field. (Which is how God sees me, and by the way, you, too.)

Then, I was a ewe who was freshly shorn. The sheering took off all the dirt and debris that had been embedded into the wool over time, and even though the sheep now had a pristine white covering, she/I still had some deeper debris that we were plucking out. 

‘D’ saw a lovely image, too. It was kind of prophetic though so it’ll probably be written about when it’s happening. (Please God??)

The latter part of this post is why I’m capable of doing the things mentioned in the former. As the lies of the past that told me I had no value whatsoever and therefore had no power to change anything are being replaced with the truth of my worth in God, I know I can make a difference even (and perhaps especially) when all I have to go on are my heart and faith. And the same goes for you, you know?

Thank You, God. 

If you need to, too, please begin to eject any negativity other’s tried to convince you of and supersede it with the truth of who you really are – a beautiful and beloved child of the most high God. We are each different from everyone else and always equal to the supposedly ‘best of the best’. Anyone who tells us differently has something to selfishly gain from our insecurities.

And if you don’t know why you and/or your life is less than what you know it could be, my prayer is you, too, realize you’re worthy of doing all that is right to change that. It won’t always be easy and you will never regret it. (Even if it takes longer than it ‘should’ – AAARRRRGHHH! 🙂 But we’re worth it!) 

Now, let’s accept that this song is how God sees us. (And, how some of us see God.)