10/28/24
Good Day Good Person ~
How’ve you been?
Do you do well with multitasking?
I’ve been intently working on healing the emotional wounds from the past while planning a couple of events that were scheduled five days apart. Makes for an interesting and kinda fun (and kinda overwhelming) few weeks!
(Good thing these are group endeavors – it takes a village, ya know:))
And before we go any further there’s something I don’t think I say enough: Much gratitude to the Gems of the ‘Pearl, Unchained’ group past and present. They do so much to put on events and raise awareness about sex and human trafficking. We’re all volunteers who do what we can while learning on the fly (which means we get to learn from quite a few mistakes we make along the way :)). And the Gems do pretty good at working with someone who’s brain, and emotions, are going through some amazing twists and turns while she’s trying to keep some semblance of linear thought processing on track.
The first event was a Civilian’s First Responder’s Course (in relation to human and sex trafficking) that was well received. Rebecca McDonald is a captivating speaker who knows what she’s talking about since she’s always in the midst of it with her ‘Women At Risk International’ (WAR) nonprofit she founded and leads. She also goes around the world giving talks to various governments/heads of state about what they can do to help stem this heinous crime in their countries.
WAR has safe houses around the globe and they don’t just rescue ‘at risk’ people. They create a ‘Circle of Protection’ around each survivor by giving them a caring, safe, judgement-free place to stay along with all the help they need to heal, as well as teaching them a trade so when they’re ready to start their new life they have all the resources they need to Soar.
Rebecca’s like a compassionate super-hero to me and I don’t know how she does it all. It was so good to see her and a couple of the other amazing women I’ve gotten to know a little when giving talks at the WAR headquarters. Hope to be learning all I can from them!
The other event was a Senior Citizen’s Celebration Day at the church I go to. It’s been an annual event for a few years now so the group is getting to where we know what to do. (Not that I feel that way in the throes of it, mind you :)). I don’t have a clear perspective as to how it went since I was essentially dangling from the ceiling by my claws most of the time but there have been a few positive comments.
Have also been doing a lot of journaling-and-healing-with-Jesus work to conquer the trauma of the past. (Child sex trafficking and sexually abusive material, etc.). That, too, can get overwhelming while it’s doing so much good. To finally find something that is getting to the core of it all has been quite the journey. I continue to pray (and have faith for) a recovery that’s gently breaking down all the blocks that derailed the process numerous times before.
These last couple of weeks have had me tapping into more of the anger that hasn’t been fully released yet as well as understanding more about my reactions to the man I’ve been referring to as ‘Great Guy’ (GG) throughout this blog. It always surprises me when he gives me another opportunity to figure it out; I always figure the last time we met would be, well, the last time we’d ever meet due to my reactions. Yet, here he is sometimes. Thank you.
I’m always glad to see him and am peeling back more layers as to why I’ve had trouble staying put when he’s around. Significant progress in being made as God, my coach and I dig up and heal those mitigating wounds.
The latest is realizing that there is still the issue of (let’s see if I can explain this): I can usually figure out it’s him as we draw near to each other, yet when we get close I still have no idea of what transpires before moving away again. I don’t think there’s much of a time lapse but it’s still blank memories as to what happens during the physically closest times.
That suggests there’s still a part of my psyche that’s splintered off from the ‘executive’ (grown up/boss) part.
Started journaling with Jesus about that and my coach and I have been working on it. Anger is one component but in two different ways. One is, I always figure GG must be ticked off because of what did – or didn’t – transpire the times before. Plus, there’s an unhealed element left over from childhood/marriage/some friendships which still keeps me believing, ‘he can’t possibly think I’m worthy of a positive interaction so he might just want to make fun of me’.
There’s also some unresolved anger that’s not necessarily about Great Guy specifically. It’s more about what he represents – someone who’s gotten close to my heart and there’s a part of my brain that still perceives that as a threat.
The images that came up when I journaled went to a specific incident from when I was 2 or 3 years old; perhaps that’s when the division of the psyche first occurred?
I had been sexually abused by the person I loved and was supposed to have been able to trust, and soon after the event I was sitting in a metal high chair while my mother was trying to get me to eat.
Two of me were in the chair – the part that was splintered off was the ‘victim’ version. She was unconscious with her upper body limply dangling over the metal arm of the chair. The part who was active was ‘angry’ me. Not sure what I was doing other than pissing my mother off.
The ‘aware’ version of me had so much pain and anger and didn’t know how to process and express it. She was so mad at not just the parents but also the Victim for not being able to defend me and allowing myself to feel the pain and powerlessness of it all.
Back to the present day, my coach and I invited Jesus into the picture and a summary of what transpired is: Jesus was tending to the angry version by repeatedly whispering into my ear in a nonthreatening way that this was not what love is, and it’s ok to be angry because it was how I knew to protect myself. Things would change later in life, but for that time it was all I had.
Angels took care of the victim/unconscious aspect of me by gently pulling her out of the high chair and taking her into another room.
My coach and I worked on getting the two parts of the psyche to accept and forgive each other and are working on melding them together and into the executive self.
I also get to forgive the people who did what they did to me. Again.
(Snarl and Whimper)
I’ll be honest with you (as always) kinda don’t wanna – but it’s the only way I’ll ever be able to have the type of relationships I deserve, ya know?
But God never omits any aspect to what He’d have us do and this time is no different.
While doing the healing work the thought bubbled up that the abettors and secret keepers had no reference of doing anything differently. It wasn’t as if child trafficking and sexually abusive material were talked about ‘back when’ and no one (in that realm anyway) knew what to do about it.
And yes, the part of me that still has some work to do isn’t buying that for a full excuse.
In any case, there’s also the ‘forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do’ Biblical aspect too. There’s a good chance everyone stayed in denial about the harm they were doing because, again, there wasn’t anybody to tell them differently (but you’d think their conscious would at some point, don’t you think?)
It’s kinda obvious the ability to forgive still has a ways to go, but what’s also amazing about God is, He wouldn’t ask us to do anything we can’t do, with Him. So, I’ve asked Him to help me forgive, and given Him permission to do for me what I can’t do for myself. I still have to do my part by imagining my life free of the anger and bullshit associated with it, and lemme tell you, that looks SO good, I am truly wanting to do this.
And what is so very cool is, as we’ve been working through it all and am learning my intrinsic value just because of who I am as a beloved child of God’s (as are you), I’m having increasingly long moments, even whole days, where that mental drama and b.s. clears and I can feel the freedom and light and joy and hope and faith that so many others can take for granted. Peace reigns because I can accept God DOES have my best interests at heart and all the right things are working out at the perfect time.
I’ll take that. (But, preferably, not much more longer ok God?:))
On those ‘freed’ days I can better understand why so many non-severely traumatized people just don’t ‘get’ people like (the unhealed version of) me.
Which is why I write this blog – to perhaps help people who may have survived their own versions of hell know they’re not alone, and to hopefully give them insights into their self as well as some inspiration and encouragement to figure out, and to continue on, their own healing journey.
I also write for those who care about us and want to better understand ‘people like me’. I pray this is helping them cultivate that understanding and empathy so they can be part of the solution to healing. Can only pray this helps at least one person.
(Besides me – thank You God! :)).
Amen.
With the changes to Youtube, etc., not sure if any of the videos I’ve been posting are available, but I’m gonna keep trying anyway. Today’s song is “Shine” by Collective Soul. Love the tune, especially now that I am learning how to stand in heaven’s light more. Hal-le-lu-jah!
The picture at the top of the post is by Pearl – the stepping stones to healing :). (I did not make the stones; just bought them and put them out for others to find and enjoy.)
