Cracking Open the Shell of Pearl & Thawing the Heart

2/14/25

Happy Valentine’s Day, Good Heart ~

I hope you can (or are beginning to) recognize, or catch fleeting glimpses of, someone who is standing with you. 

And I pray you know the love of your God which causes you to realize your infinite value to Him, and therefore your own worth to yourself and the world. (Amen.)

Have you ever had a moment when what you were learning/experiencing was a difficult thing to be a part of, yet knew you could be growing from it so it wasn’t really a loss?

These last several weeks have offered up a few ‘growth’ opportunities and I must say, I AM getting better at this whole adulting thing. (Thank God!)

Who knew growing up is actually an ok thing to do? 🙂

Amongst other things, I’ve been helping a friend who has been having medical issues and while I still get the heebie jeebies when someone is (trying to) depend on me for their care, the resentful attitude I used to have while doing this sort of thing is not as snarly as it used to be. 

Hallelujah!

I get why the anger exists (but it doesn’t need to stay) – I don’t really recall anyone who was truly there for me as child, other than a friend here or there. But a close adult or relative to offset what was happening wasn’t available (that I remember at this point, anyway). 

People in my world were either the abusers/traffickers, those who sympathized with them instead of caring about the victims, or victims themselves who couldn’t see past their own drama to notice what was going on in another’s world. I’m actually surprised to have a couple memories of trying to intervene on another’s behalf earlier in childhood because later on I still cared but had too much ‘victim mentality’, anger, pain and/or too self-focused trying to survive to aid anyone (including self). 

When a person spends the first several decades of life trying to survive they can lose the ability to do for others what it seemed like no one ever did for them, and they can’t give what they don’t have, or know how to do.

So for a few decades I couldn’t reach out when I knew others needed help, not even to call police on their behalf. I would just slink away in shame and despise myself more. I figured I wouldn’t be believed and would be accused of overreacting and wasting professionals’ valuable time, which is what the perpetrators convinced me of in the early years.

It sucked being that much of a victim; so grateful for God and all the people over time who have shown me what love and care looks like, even when I couldn’t notice or receive it. It’s (finally!) sinking in and healing so much of the (ahem) martyr and ‘leave me the f*ck alone’ attitudes.  

I am getting better at nurturing others (and self) without the crappy attitude. This work in progress is showing results! Yaaay! 🙂

And that can happen when a person has the courage to face and work through the old trauma. For example . . .

Been getting some rather hellish memories back from the childhood trafficking/sexual abuse eras and it’s showing me how far back the ‘I will NOT let anyone get close to my heart’ wound goes, and why it’s been so ingrained, and hard to displace. (But not impossible because with God, work, and time {argghhh!} all things are possible, after all.)

One memory was when I was a preteen, and has to do with the male sibling and his comrades. Felt the godawful weight of shame and degradation, rage and terror that incident provoked. Was able to work through it with the ‘healing with Jesus’ technique I’ve written about frequently.

Then several days ago, the brain was trying to cough up another, deeper trauma so it was kinda getting scrambled while trying to keep it repressed until I was in a safe place to deal with it. 

I started dissociating to a degree I haven’t in many years while driving. I was trying to get from my favorite park to the library which wasn’t even two miles away; have managed it hundreds of times before but suddenly couldn’t. Had to pullover and recalibrate the brain to the present moment to figure out the way.  

A couple hours later felt a deep chasm of emptiness in my heart and soul without knowing why. I asked Jesus to fill it and help to understand what was going on.

Had no idea what I was getting into with that! (Yipes! 😳)

Later in the evening my mind’s eye flashed a reenactment of an incident that would’ve taken place when I was still in diapers; don’t know if it was a specific memory or more of an image that represented what happened at that age. Won’t go into details other than I could hear my babyish, helpless screaming of pain and terror, and felt it emotionally. 

After it happened I didn’t know who to call to ask questions or to talk with about it; figured it was too late to call the friends I thought could understand. 

So for the first time I contacted the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) helpline. Their number is 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) and text helpline is 62640. (Email is helpine@nami.org .)

The lady I talked with was very kind and helped me discern if a survivor can recall a dissociated, visual memory from that young of an age (she thought it was probable), and she let me verbalize the shock of emotions. 

Whether it was an actual memory or not, I felt how my little heart grew a cold, protective encasement in those horrible moments to protect myself, and felt the emptiness of knowing I couldn’t trust those I had to rely in order to survive. It wasn’t in words or anything, it was the sensations of being so damn small, vulnerable, helpless, and preyed upon by much larger, necessary and predatory caregivers.

It helped me to understand how far back, and deep, the issue with loving and trusting goes, and why it’s taking so long to heal it. 

I sure wanted to talk to someone in the moment and after making the phone call it finally occurred to me to turn to Jesus. 

Before getting into the journaling though, another image popped up.

It was of the innocent, precious child me in the same position as in the memory, only now I was  completely encased in a form fitting shell. Then a crack formed horizontally through the middle of it and it the thin armor started opening a little. In the gap I could see a soft white membrane between the shell and my little self. 

Then journaled . . . 

“Jesus, how could you let it happen? To ANYONE? And how did you lessen the impact when all I’m feeling is telling me otherwise?”

He patiently replied: “You survived, didn’t you? Do you think you (or any child) could have had you not been protected in some form? 

“Pearl, I was there, look for Me; can you see my tears then, and now, for every child this stuff happens to?”

He was crouched next to the table or whatever I was on – looking at me, stroking my head and trying to get me to focus on Him and not what was being done to me.

“How could you hear my screams Jesus, and not stop it?”  

“Look at Me, Pearl – look at Me – feel my touch – comforting, chaste touch, soothing you, feel my compassion and empathy – my Love, Pearl, my Love – pouring into you, even then. It’s why you were sustained, Pearl, and how you are healing from this now – down to the root. 

“Pearl, I was there and I am here, now. Let me into this, into the deepest wounds. I will tread lightly, gently, with pure love, care, healing, and understanding, then you’ll be able to help others. Pearl, you can do this because you will let Me work through You. 

“You are safe now Pearl – do you know this? You are safe now. I Am here with you, and I always have been and always will be. Always, look for Me. Let me speak into you, let my love into your heart and mind. You were never murdered, psychologically nor in heart, though it felt like it. 

“Let me love you through others, too, Pearl, in the right relationships. You can do this because I am in you and it is what I want for you, and more importantly, what you want for you.”

“Jesus, help me to trust you even though it terrifies me . . .” 

Another vision came to light:

“I see you (Jesus) gently blowing your breath on my face, as the baby. You are blowing away the memories, catching them on Your hand, and implanting them in Your heart. You never forgot – that’s why you’ve been so gentle all this time – you never forgot. 

You are kindly pushing the hair flailing on my face back, wiping away the tears, then tucking my head under your chin – tenderly holding me close. 

“Lord, I’m so tired, so very tired. When will this end?”

“It’s ending, Pearl, the beginning of the end is now. I have shown you, the protective shell has been cracked open, and you allowing me into the deepest wounds. You are trusting me enough, continue to let Me in, Pearl. Continue to let Me heal you – imagine My healing love engulfing you, and seeping into the deepest wounded places. You do have to grieve it all, and there’ll be more memories, but don’t stay there. This is setting you free, Pearl. Have faith in My process, and allow yourself to be set free . . .”

“One little child can’t hold all that pain – Lord – you did protect me, I guess. This is one more way hell is – why do the innocent have to reside there?”
“Pearl, you didn’t – I was with you every step of the way, and there is an end, as well many blessings in the world when you allow yourself to see them. Hell is when an adult chooses to not take me with them and they end up in miserable predicaments without Me, by their choice. 

“Pearl, you have a choice now. You can perceive all you survived as hell, with no purpose and no Me, or you can let Me be in all you remember and throughout the rest of your life.

“Let Me be in it all to heal and give it a purpose. Let good mortals help you to heal, including him. You’re ready.”

“I’ve been hearing that for a while now, God. Have gotten better with noticing but not so much responding yet.” 

“You will, Pearl, you’ll know. Trust Me and My timing . . . keep listening to this song (“Here Comes the Glory” by David and Nicole and Binion). My Glory is fully manifesting. Let it, let Me, and be amazed . . . Let others know that this is for them, too, should they choose to go this route.”

“Thank You, Jesus.”

So, I’m sharing (an edited version of) the journaling, and pray someone else can benefit from it. If you want to learn more about this type of healing journey you can go to cwgministries.org and check out the various courses they offer. I’m using “Prayers That Heal the Heart”.  

Have also been playing that tune and other healing songs repeatedly, as well as meditating on Bible verses such as Isaiah chapter 61, verse 3: “ . . . to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair . . .”. And Psalm 103, all of which is excellent including verses 4 & 5: “who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” 

Replacing the negative crap with the enlightening promises of the Bible and/or other healing words, music or images of art that encourages you will help to keep the darkness from returning. (Or kick it out again when it sneaks back in!)

Well, Good Heart, I hope you receive a loving moment today (especially from yourself) and everyday. You’re worthy (and so am I).

(The picture above was taken by Pearl.)