7/5/25
Hello Angel –
First – is there someone you like to honor? Someone who taught you a valuable, positive life lesson just by being their real, imperfect and beautiful self? Care to tell us about them in the comment section below? I’m sure I’m not the only one who’d like to read about ‘em.
Today is Uncle ’N’s birthday and he would be 118 years old if he were still alive. I’m so very grateful he permanently resides in my heart and mind.
I just read last year’s homage and can’t think of a better way to put it:
This time every year I honor my uncle, a person whose value I was clueless about when young because he was ‘different’, and I didn’t know how to relate to him.
During my teen years and beyond he became the person who taught me about humility, a positive aspect to love, and how much value people have even when their imperfections are more obvious but certainly not greater than others.
Uncle N became mentally challenged after surviving an illness with a high fever as a child. His heart may have been wounded by others’ prejudice and treatment of him, but it was never tainted.
Happy Birthday Uncle N! I love and miss you, and still feel your presence in my heart. You left behind wonderful memories of you, your humility and sense of humor; you still make me smile :). Thank you for teaching me compassion, empathy, and how to love you and others like you. You (and your smile) were amazing.
Thank you God for creating him, and having him in my life.
Amen.
As mentioned in previous posts, I’m writing a memoir.
Over the last week there’s been a cluster of memories where even though I’d remembered them individually and over time, as they’re forming a cohesive ‘whole’ it’s causing an impressive array of temporary P.T.S.D. Symptoms and depth of emotional pain that’s acute at times and exhausting to work through. So very grateful to remember the depth of joy and peace that’s replacing it is greater, and even felt at times now, hallelujah! There is a reason why that verse: “You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (The Bible, John 8:32) is often repeated.
Sometimes, facing and working through the truth is not pretty, easy, nor quick (arghhh!!!), and I’m worthy of the time and effort it’s taking. It’s allowing me to learn how to love and live the life I deserve in increasing ways. And by the way – if you could use the reminder & encouragement – you’re worthy too!
Which leads us to . . .
A post from several weeks ago, “What Do You Focus On?” mentioned a poem I’d written years ago, but it wasn’t included.
To be honest, still don’t wanna but it’s time, for two reasons;
It’s impossible for people who are hiding undeserved-shame based secrets to develop close bonds with others when we won’t allow our real selves to exist and heal. Since I want to quit pushing people away before (I imagine) they see and reject this part of me, then I need to speak up about it so it no longer drives a lot of the subconscious, self-sabotaging behaviors.
It’s kinda funny ‘cuz I just watched a video of my favorite local band’s cover version of the song “On Shaky Ground”, originally by Delbert McClinton. It’s about a break-up and it describes what I feel on a daily basis, only in reverse. I’ve always felt ‘on shaky ground’ pertaining to those I truly care about, based in the fear of: “What if they see the secrets I try to hide inside, and the way it effected my brain, then vanish?” It’s why I frequently try to find assurances but don’t know where to look, or how to ask. I’d also like people I care about to feel secure & safe in my love & loyalty so they know I’ll stick around instead of succumbing to shame spirals and fleeing, like I’d like to feel around them. Confronting and negating the shame will help with that. (But, ya know, I could still use some reassurance! :))
Secondly, this is one of the major reasons God and I have been on this many-years-long healing journey, and the purpose that’s kept me going when I really, really, really didn’t want to. I’m certainly not the only one who’s been through this type of human induced hell, and it’s imperative to let the others know they’re not alone and they, too, are ‘Still Innocent’ no matter what we, or anybody else, have convinced us of. Also, we can escape that pit of shame if we haven’t yet; we never deserved to be there to begin with. (Isaiah, chapter 61)
Yes, the poem is about having to ‘perform’ for child sexually abusive material (formerly called child pornography) but there was a component to it that’s been harder to acknowledge and be freed from.
Still Innocent
Fractured memories remain in my mind
The first, a snapshot image of a kind
of horror that wishes to remain untold
it happened so young and never grows old
(It was never my fault, NEVER my fault)
There’s a dreaded room at the end of a hall
to where this wooden four year old Pearl walks
the male at my back compels me forward
towards father’s friend’s room of horrors
(No, I could NOT have stopped it if I tried)
As my heart trips I enter the windowless room.
I know no one cares while sensing the doom
Any hope is dashed when seen in the corner
a camera on a tripod poised to devour
(Please hear me, Pearl, it was NEVER my fault)
Stripped of dignity and clothing and told to pose
as a dog’s brought in . . . my mind’s eye closes.
But I still feel the sensations and cannot escape
the terror and shame burned into my fate.
(It was NEVER my guilt and shame - it’s theirs)
Other shards of memories slither up over time
they can come and go with no warning or rhyme.
Like rows of folding chairs placed just so to watch
Pearl annihilated for the greed of the debauched.
(I am NOT ruined - I am still God’s innocent Pearl )
Time has not erased the effects of these crimes,
but God tempers them and shows countless times
if I let myself see, it wasn’t about me,
I’m still worthy of goodness, love, and decency.
(And regardless of what I feel, I AM still God’s innocent Pearl)
c. Pearl
So, did you catch the reference to beastiality?
Dear Angel, I hope you (we) fully comprehend no matter what we may or may not have been through we are still innocent, beautiful and worthy of all types of love and the best God has for us. In Jesus name, Amen. 💜