Growth, Good People, and Gratitude

9/11/25

Hi Mortal Haloed One –

How’ve you been? 

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. Don’t know why there seems to be a wrestling match with some sort of subconscious fire breathing dragon lately, especially when trying to write. But I’m learning to say, “Yes God,” and there’s a distinct lessening of pressure each time. It really does help! It’s like surrendering the internal fight to Him instead of trying to duke it out on our own. 

Those two words need to be put on an endless loop inside my heart and mind! 

Also praying a little more intently for the person I’ve been a prayer warrior for for a few years, and others I care about. Maybe this unease has been a nudge for another’s needs and isn’t all about me after all. (Go figure.)

So I’m praying for you. For healing in whatever way you may need. For wisdom and discernment with enough faith in Him and yourself to receive and follow up on it no matter how long it takes. And for the peace that surpasses all understanding, and it gives you rest in heart, mind, spirit and soul. In Jesus name, Amen.

It’s kinda funny how God put a song on loop for me several days ago. I’d started listening to the music on my phone and one tune kept playing continuously even though the repeat feature was turned off and the shuffle button was hit several times. It was so bizarre, and so God! Figured if He went to that kind of trouble to get me to listen then I darn well better! 🙂 It’s a gentle and inspiring Rascal Flatts tune called “I Won’t Let Go”. It’s based on Biblical scriptures about God never leaving nor forsaking us. After listening to it thirty or forty times I actually had to leave that pissy self-pity party behind. (Oh darn :)). 

Have you noticed any of His loving ‘God-incidences’ for you?

The last several weeks have been about realizing how much life, and I, have changed since embarking on this healing trek. I’m hoping this post will be encouraging if you ever doubt it’s possible to get out of a pit and/or have good people in your life, including you, who treat you as well as you truly deserve. 

This last assignment for the memoir I’m writing was the beginning of the chapter pertaining to marriage. This is the original version submitted; it’s been edited a bit more since, but that’s being saved for the book :). This gets the point across well enough:

(Beginning of excerpt)

I’m sure this is the way my life is supposed to be going, in spite of so many doubts. Since I don’t know how to change the path I’m on this must be the right direction to go. I’m just overreacting to what’s going on around and within me. It’d be even more of a problem if I acknowledge anything so I don’t, nor do I do anything differently or of my own volition because we all know that would make ‘it’ worse, me worse. I must try to keep doing what is expected even though no one, including self, likes it, or me for that matter.

Standing in back of my fiancé (‘C’) as we’re play ‘wrestling’ (not a euphemism for sex), I convince myself we’re having fun but when I’m with him, no matter what we’re dong, I feel threatened. Now is not the exception. 

I’m close to his head as he swings it back and slams his skull into my face. Pain explodes in my nose as I simultaneously convince myself it’s an accident. There isn’t much blood as I ‘walk it off’ so it’s not considered broken. But over the next twenty-four hours the swelling and pain don’t ebb. It’s reminiscent of a fractured nose I had in the past so I opt to go to urgent care. It’s a solo visit since C thinks I’m overreacting. 

The physician on duty doesn’t think there’s a problem but takes an x-ray anyway. He says he’ll call if anything shows up when he’s had a chance to look at it.

While at work the next day the doctor calls to modify the initial opinion and says there’s a hairline fracture. I’m relieved I did know how to listen to my body. ‘C’ is initially convinced I’m lying but eventually accepts the truth, if not the blame.

Later that week we go to his mother’s house for a family gathering. The energy in her spotless kitchen, where we’ve all congregated, feels antagonistic. Dank shame rises internally but I don’t know why. What else have I done wrong recently? 

I laugh when recounting the story of the ‘accidentally’ broken bone to try to dispel the animosity, but when I’m done his mother so eloquently and chillingly replies: “Sometimes a woman deserves to be hit”. Coupled with the smirk on the fiancé’s face I should’ve been clued in there’s an issue. Even though I listened to my body when it told me about the break, my mind has been conditioned since early childhood to ignore danger signals. Per usual I chose incomprehension of what mother and son are implying, even though that tangled mass of barbed grey cloud of apprehension growing in the pit of my stomach insists otherwise.

While explaining the wrestling scenario during the follow up visit to my regular doctor I chuckle again, and feel like a good girl when she laughs right along with me. She says she can put a brace on the nose to protect it, but doesn’t think it’d look good in the wedding pictures and deems it unnecessary.

The growing fear and questions about getting married are screaming to be heard in my head, but I don’t consider what’s happening to be less than ‘normal’, and deserved. 

On Friday I walk towards the altar, and the male who broke my nose but never my heart. I don’t have a big enough chunk of it left over to destroy, which is why this relationship is a perfect match. 

We both look more scared than loving in the pictures.

(End of excerpt)

Several things have happened recently that have shown me how far I’ve come since that stage of life and I am so thankful!

We were married on my birthday and the anniversary of that mistake was a couple months ago. I recently realized this was the first year there wasn’t some sort of emotional echo of regret or PTSD type reaction to shadow the day, Hallelujah!!! 

Another clue I’m making much better choices came when our group put on another Human Trafficking Awareness Event a couple weeks ago. Sooo grateful for the good people that help in various capacities and can fill in the blanks in a positive way when my mind is blinking more off than on. 

That includes my martial arts instructor, who also doubles as the brother I wish I had. He does the self-defense demonstration and this time he brought his demo team to perform a routine they created just for this event. I had no idea what it was about since I wasn’t allowed to see it beforehand. 

It was amazing (of course). Not only did it have some humor and showcased their abilities, it also glowed with their understanding and care. Its overall theme was what courage looks like during and after trauma. It showed how victims overcome our mis-perceived weaknesses by accepting our uncontrollable reactions in the midst of the trauma, and realizing how strong we really are because we survived. And afterwards too, even on the days when breathing is all we can do, because we continue to choose to learn how to live and love. 

I, and the others in the audience, could so easily identify with the songs and words they performed to; most of us had leaky eyes. 

But what was even more incredible for me was, at the end they brought out a one inch thick solid cement brick and had me break it with my bare hand. I’d never done that before and had no idea it was going to happen. They took a few moments to show me what to do and then, well, I did it! Woo hoo!

What a moment! And the best part of the memory is how everyone loudly encouraged me the whole time I was up there. It heals my heart deeper each time I think about it and still cry tears of gratitude for their caring enough to do all that. 

As an added bonus, what they did helps offset what happened during the child sex trafficking era that always haunted me whenever I’m in front of people. I was forced to perform sex acts with males of the species while – um – an ‘audience’ was watching, laughing, jeering, etc. This new positive experience will give the subconscious something else to focus on when giving talks now. (Hopefully!) 

Thank you, Good People. 💜

When I was dating the ex I had taken a job working for the family business, which meant my bosses were several of the childhood abusers, pimps and pornographers. At the time most of the  memories from those hellish years were still repressed. What I did remember was infused with complete denial of how wrong it was and how detrimentally it effected me. I thought it was all ‘normal’, for me anyway, and deserved. Even the faux friends at that time were a reflection of my shame and self loathing. There were other decent people and jobs I could have chosen, but I was too enmeshed with the status quo to consider them. 

It’s wonder-filling to recognize how far I’ve come since then, thanks to God (and me, for not quitting :)). And much appreciation to those who’ve hung in here with me in spite of the time it’s taking and the mis-takes I make in reaction to whatever trauma still needs healing. 

Some of what I’ve learned over these years pertaining to relationships has been well explained recently by a couple of renowned speakers. 

From Joyce Meyer: When people experience substantial rejection and abandonment they have the tendency to continue to perceive they’re being rejected, and they usually aren’t. 

That’s a realization that’s been ‘blooming’ for a while now, as God negates the negative conclusions. He’s drawing attention to the times I’ve been convinced I offended someone and lost their presence in my life, but then one day there’ll be a call or note that shows they never left.  

Knowing I have value, too, in relationships is helping me to ask questions instead of assuming the worst and giving up easily.   

Pastor Stephen Furtick was one of the other speakers who, in one mathematical equation summed up the issue I thought I was the only person who had: “(our) Expectations + (their) Limitations – Grace = Resentment.” (Words in parentheses are mine.)

I’ve had the tendency to imagine what I need someone to say or do and when the person doesn’t stay on my script I’d take it personally, resentment would grow, and it would be perceived as proof they’ve got no use for me. Now it’s time to let others be their own version of their self, sans any ‘they should have’. 

As Mel Robbins has been teaching: “Let Them.” 

If it isn’t abuse, learn to just ‘let them’, and experience what a relief that is!

There are increasing times when I see the people in my realm without the filters of old pain, anger, self-defensiveness and -protection.  They can now be appreciated for the blessings they are. That’s a reflection of how much my heart is healing, an indication that the shattered stone it used to be is becoming whole, and transformed into flesh, and love. 

Thank You God. Amen.

God's saying this to you, too . . . 
“I won’t Let Go” by The Rascal Flatts. 
It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own
You're not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
If you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it's dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all (finds us all)
And we're too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall
Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah I know you can make it
'Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
And you can't cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
Oh I'm gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No I won't
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Jason Sellers / Stephen Robson

The 16″ x 8″ x 1″ brick I broke! :)😊