Being Resolute To Appreciate, Too

12/31/25

(This is an updated version of a previous post.)

Happy New Year Handsome/Beautiful Hearted Being!

Can you receive that? Or are you in the: ‘A new year’s beginning so I must fix all that is wrong with me in four weeks or less, and the rest of the year will be perfect’, mode?

Lordy, it seems like that’s what quite a few of us are buying into right now.

But you know what? Maybe it’s ok to notice what we’ve done right too, so we can acknowledge we’re already good people who could just use some tweaking.

And perhaps it’s acceptable to see what went well last year, instead of acting like it’s time to flush it down the toilet in order to begin living our fresh new version of Eden. Life isn’t supposed to be perfect, right? If it was, we’d be calling this orb ‘Heaven’ instead of ‘Earth’. 

I started working on a couple ‘late year’ resolutions after life had been kicking my tushie for a while.

Was kinda proud of getting things accomplished in spite of perpetually feeling overwhelmed, underperforming and pushing too long and a bit too hard to keep doing all I ‘shouldas’ and wanna’s, while not getting around to what I was supposed to be doing. 

Know what I mean?

Then confusion, angst, anger, grief, and persistent exhaustion were building while undefinable tears were falling intermittently. 

Ugh! 

So grateful for several good friends who, over the course of several weeks and completely independent of each other, suggested what I didn’t think I had a right to acknowledge: It was time to slow down as much as possible and for as long as it takes to learn to breath again, and to deal with whatever was causing the emotional turmoil. One actually said: “Even Jesus took time off, and you’re not Jesus”. (To which my fragile ego quietly replied: Oowwch! :))

So glad to have listened! Not only have I been able to get a bit of work done on the book I’ve been supposedly writing since the beginning of the year, but my subconscious has started to unearth another dissociated part of my psyche. This helps explain the angsty emotions that have been rising up with it. 

I was still a toddler in diapers when this faction of psyche, who I’ll refer to as “L.P.” (for ‘Little Pearl in the Dark’), splintered off. She apparently hasn’t felt safe enough since then to tell much about the memories she’s held. Hopefully (yet kinda dreadfully) that’s about to change because I can’t heal what I don’t know, and Lord knows, I deserve to live a better life than what these ‘dissociated identities’ have allowed me to. 

The emergence of L.P. rose up a couple of days ago while doing a ‘meditation with Jesus’. Jesus and I were standing in a beautiful desert. An exquisite, ethereal host of God’s angels created a shimmering silver and gold dome high above us. A mound started forming at my feet, and as the sand that was covering it was being whisked away by the winds, L.P. was revealed. She was so small, vulnerable, curled up in the fetal position, and looking like she was dead. I reached down to gently wipe some of the debris off her when she jerked awake to claw and bite at me so I would leave her alone. 

Wow. Had no idea what to do about that, and whenever I’ve tried to figure it out since I immediately fall asleep. So I guess this is a job for Jesus. (And patience. Aarrrgh!)

For as much of the ‘trauma brain’ that has been healed over time, this is an aspect that feeds the sense of self-worthlessness, victim mentality, and has kept me from allowing truly good people I start to care about get close to my heart. 

L.P. has revealed herself briefly in the past and I’ve been praying for so long for her to be redeemed and integrated because the people who have been repeatedly subjected to the undeserved self-protective defensive reactions she provokes deserve better, too. 

I’m so grateful to the friends who not only pray for and support me without judgement, they also show me how much I can laugh during the not-so-intense times of this process! And so appreciative of a God who won’t rush an extremely painful healing journey no matter how impatient, demanding, and whiny I can get with Him; it can feel so overwhelming at times as it is. His omniscience and powerful yet gentle love know what I need better than I do, and I’m learning to let Him do what’s right, even without understanding.  

It’s kinda pathetic I had to wait for several friends to give me permission to take the time to do this.

So, my end of year resolutions are to grow radical (if imperfect) loving self-acceptance and self respect so I’ll do what’s needed, without waiting for other mortals’ authorization, to co-create with God the relationships and life I deserve. Also, to continue to grow faith for His timing, guidance, strength, mercy and Grace to help me shed the hell of the past so I can live in the wonder of the moment. And as I’m learning to do this for myself, I’m better able to offer it for you, too. 

Lasting change and in depth healing are not necessarily dictated by our intended timing, timeframe, expectations and impatience. True cures and genuine ‘self-revision’ can be influenced by our resolutions, but we also need someone we can trust to help us stay on track.  And it really helps to, even tentatively, believe in a God who will provide what we need, as we need it, if we can relinquish our “it should be done this way” mentality. We’re all worthy of expending these efforts on ourselves no matter what time of year it is.  

I’m also asking, if we’re going to create resolutions to better our lives then we don’t forget to factor in what’s already right about us. 

We’re worthy of that effort too, you know?

I pray if someone is struggling in darkness and can’t see what’s good about their self/life, they squint open the eyes of their heart enough to at least glimpse that ray of God’s Light that’s shining hope and love upon the incredible being they are. 

(In Jesus name, Amen.)

*I did not write the prayer at the top of the post. I don’t know who did, and I thank whoever it was for their heartfelt inspiration. I found it online.*