Avoidants Need to Stick Together

1/26/26

Hi Mortal Angel –

How’re you doing today?

I already know you’re a fine human being, and I’m praying you do, too. Also praying you’re at peace with yourself, whatever it is you may be working on in your life, and where you’re heading. I pray you stay true to what you know in your heart and prepare yourself for all the good that is coming your way. And you don’t let what is perceived as ‘not good’ keep you from seeing what is. In Jesus name, Amen.

Do you know what having ‘avoidant’ tendencies means? Do you act it out sometimes? 

For me, I avoid so much of what matters because I fear people’s power over me. Whether it’s mortals who get close to my heart, or working on my ministry with others, and even writing this blog. It’s why it’s taken me almost a week so far trying to get this post, and most others, written. I make myself so vulnerable to do this and I know it gets judged harshly at times. But if it can reach just one other person who can identify and it helps them in some way, or helps a ‘civilian’ better understand a survivor in their life, then there’s a purpose for all of it, and me, ya know what I mean? 

Becoming ‘avoidant’ was a protective emotional mechanism created due to all the abuses survived, including being repeatedly verbally knocked down as a child, and later on, told to shut up if I dared mention anything about what happened. It’s been quite the thorn in my flesh. I’ve been working on overcoming it with God, therapy when I can, and as I’m learning how to identify them – safe people who can handle the varying responses as my mind is being ‘rewired’ s-l-o-w-l-y. (Arrgghh!) 

F.Y.I. – when trauma happens to a child before their brain is fully formed it alters the development of their mind. Depending on the severity, lack of support, repetitiveness, etc. of the abuse, the stronger and deeper the malformed ‘wiring’ can be. 

Once again God is proving, He sends the teacher(s) when the student is willing. I know I’m not the only one who’s ready to learn this lesson so this could help you too, if needed.

It’s kinda funny, the title of this week’s blog came to me when contemplating all the times I’ve tried, without success, to reach out to those I thought had possibly, perhaps, may have reached out to me when I couldn’t respond in the way we both wished. So I, too, have seen the back side, or derision, of those I’d hoped to talk with when feeling confident I could handle it. 

I can play ‘hide and seek’ with people and purposes I care about; participation depends on to what degree I feel acceptable, worthy and capable of in the moment.

Another aspect to all this is how much insecurities and impatience can cause us to try to control relationships and situations. It’s a way to appease the fears of missing out, and/or hoping to not lose those we’re learning to be able to treat well, and others who we mistakenly believe give us value by association. 

As I’m slowly releasing more of the constraints of life, there’s been this incredible sense of unraveling of the tension I’ve wrapped around myself to try to keep my heart, mind and life controlled and seemingly protected. I can be harshly judged for how the ‘trauma brain’ makes me ‘different’, so I expend a lot of energy and shame trying to mask the symptoms. I keep thinking if it could all be healed, then I’d be worthy of people’s respect, and all I’ve been working towards.

I met a woman, ‘B’, about eleven or twelve years ago in a group where we could honestly talk about our relationship with God/Jesus. I’ll be forever grateful to her for opening up my mind to how Jesus never abandons us, even when we were surviving the hellish stuff. 

I had the sense B and I could be friends. She seemed amenable to the idea, but she was in a tumultuous season in her life and was too busy and triggered to consider it at the time.

Over the years we’d made various plans to meet but she’d end up canceling. And unlike the other ‘avoidant’ relationship(s) I’ve been trying to control into making happen in my timing and ways, I didn’t push B. I’d just occasionally pray for her, her family, and another opportunity to meet up when she was able.

Through the years she’s been raising amazing kids, and met and married a good man after taking ten years to heal their individual wounds sufficiently to allow the relationship they both deserve. She seems at peace with her self, and life.  

She recently contacted me and we’re working towards a friendship; we’ve already become healing agents for each other. 

First of all, I learned I can trust my heart/instincts even when things don’t work out in the timeframe and ways I, and others, think they should. When we keep telling God we want His best has for us, He’ll take the time necessary to prepare us for it.

Added to that is we don’t have to be perfect to receive His blessings and live a wonder-filling life. ‘B’ still has triggers and can be easily overwhelmed. She’s learned how to accept herself, and therefore the people in her life do the same. She proves, the right people understand and don’t hold our ‘different’ needs against us. They know we’re worth the effort, and they’ll receive more than they imagined as we open up and blossom in safe environments.

She’s showing me we can respectfully and without apology ask for what we need. She has a kind, gentle demeanor and is still capable of speaking up for her unique requirements. 

By watching her with her husband and as our friendship is unfolding I’m seeing how people with avoidant tendencies can still have loving relationships, even with each other, if they’re both willing to do the work to make it happen. We can create safe spaces for each other to be vulnerable and our imperfect, true selves to exist and thrive during each step of the process.

By patiently waiting all these years without trying to control her yet not giving up on the possibility of a friendship, I’ve been becoming the type of person I’ve been hoping for. I wouldn’t have noticed this if she hadn’t mentioned I was a good listener and take the time to understand and encourage her, and tell her things she needs to hear in a kind yet confident (!) manner.  

That’s quite an improvement compared to how I was at the beginning of this healing trek so many years ago. Not to brag and all, but back then the self realization arose of how negative I’d become. I was so impatient and demanding that God, the world, and others be who I thought they should be. I remember essentially crossing my arms in front of my chest, putting a snarl on my face, heart and mind, and thinking: “So what if I’m a bitch and negative. I should still be able to have good friends.” (So proud to be admitting this now (ahem :)). 

I’m grateful things didn’t go as I thought they should! 

I read something this morning from a ‘journaling with Jesus’ session a couple of weeks ago; it set the stage for this latest lesson on radical self acceptance. This message is for all survivors: 

“What you survived was never your fault. It was never the fault of your kindness, gentleness or innocence. It did not signify an ugly person, heart or spirit. Nor was it an indication of a lack of  intelligence, worth, value and power. Denying these aspects of yourself won’t prevent anything painful from ever happening again, but it does keep you from fully experiencing and enjoying all the blessings you deserve. 

“Their sins never stole anything right and holy within you. It’s all still in here, protected, waiting to be reclaimed and set free to bloom. Let it. You can handle it, and anything that may malevolently come at you again. You’ve proven over and over you’re a survivor, so quit imagining it any other way. Let ME, and love, reveal your healing and power.”

Amen.

Recently heard a song, “Unraveling” by Cory Asbury. It so perfectly goes with this theme. Here are the lyrics: 

Unraveling

I’m coming apart at the seams
And everyone’s pulling at me
And I am unraveling
The smile isn’t quite what it seems
But it does well to hide what’s beneath
All the pressure is staggering
In the unraveling, Father unravel me
When I can’t feel a thing
Have mercy and let me bleed
I know it’s dumb
But I have been numb
For way too long
And oh, ooh, ooh
And ooh, oh, oh, ooh
So goodbye now, yellow brick road
Thanks a lot, what I need is back home
So homeward traveling
And in the unraveling, Father unravel me
And when I can’t feel a thing
Have mercy and let me bleed
I know it’s dumb
But I have been numb
For way too long
Ooh, oh, oh, ooh
And ooh, oh, oh, ooh
I don’t want to be alone anymore
I don’t want to survive anymore
And I want to feel, unravel me
Yeah
Unravel me
I’m coming apart at the seams
It’s worst than I thought it would be
But I’ve never been happier
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Cory Hunter Asbury
Unraveling lyrics © Bethel Music Publishing, Cory Asbury Publishing