Tues. 5/18/21
For an explanation of the ‘Grace’ , ‘L.P.’,and ‘Michael’ aspects of Pearl’s psyche, and G.G, please use “Cast Of Characters” tab on the home page.
So how’ve you been? What beauty and/or blessing have you experienced over these last several days? Did any of it come at a ‘price’, so-to-speak?
For me, there’s been a lot of beauty, and also ‘pain before the healing’ sort of stuff going on. (At least, there better be some serious healing coming soon or else God’s got some esplaining to do!:))
Last week, while working with my awesome blog coach, Kris, I was shaking through a lot of the session and wondered why. Kris and I have never met face to face, yet when we work together over the phone I feel like I’m talking with a trusted friend. When I mentioned the shaking she so wisely said, “Maybe it’s because you’ll be writing about Grace’s era again.”
Well, duh! I’m always amazed (and chagrined) when I can’t figure something out (especially as obvious as that should’ve been) but someone that I think I should be the ‘wise guru’ to shows me up and immediately has the answer! Gotta appreciate an astute person, even if they are young enough to be an offspring ;)!
I haven’t been able to make myself write until now, practically the last minute. But that’s o.k., (or so I tell myself) since there apparently needed to be an emotional meltdown/revelation (or two) first.
Been ignoring the symptoms of impending ‘breakthrough’ such as increasing anger, fear, confusion, obsessing about something totally unrelated in order to avoid facing the truth that’s lurking in the psyche, etc.. Then Saturday evening ‘it’ hit home, straight through the heart. A major revelation of how I was wounded by the abuse in yet another way, and why I struggle so much with trying to accept decent men into my realm, especially those I’m attracted to. It’s still too painfully raw to get into details yet, but Lord it hit hard.
I’m on to another (but less traumatizing) revelation right now. Think I’ll be rambling off into that direction for a little bit (get to avoid the hard stuff a little longer this way:))
Since Grace’s era there have been quite few periods of time when there was something compelling me to ‘wander’, at night usually. I’d either go for walks down foggy, dark back roads or drive around, sometimes without the headlights on, searching for something I couldn’t define. After I started therapy someone mentioned I was probably subconsciously searching in the darkness for the memories that may have been trying to emerge and parts of self that were lost. I have no doubt that’s part of it.
Another facet I am becoming more aware of is that during the time leading up to ‘new’ flashbacks and revelations I search for someone I think is trustworthy. I want to be near them to feel a sense of security and protection during those times.
It actually happened for a short period of time, where I felt that with a real, mortal person instead of the usual believing for an angel or Jesus (or imagining Jerry Cantrell :))
Several years ago, not long after I met Great Guy, (GG) a part of my psyche, L.P., began to trust him like she’s rarely, if ever, trusted a person to that point. (See post “L.P. & Relationships” dated 11/25/20 for details.) Because of her faith in him, L.P. started pushing up flashbacks when I was around him, perhaps because I wanted someone safe to be near when the terrifying images came up. I didn’t tell him what was happening since I usually just sit, frozen for a short time while the memories flash through my mind. Was kinda hoping it wasn’t obvious or that he would quickly forget, but he did notice and started giving off a protective vibe. He kindly took care to not startle me and through some of his actions, showed he wasn’t a threat (‘cept to my heart). There were a couple of other things he did that showed he cared, but he wasn’t overt about it, don’t think he wanted others (and perhaps me) to notice. It took a little while to realize he thought I was currently in a violent relationship and was looking out for me. I sooo deeply appreciated that, and him.
And to be pathetically honest, I really wanted to let him keep thinking that in order to continue to bask in the security of his care and protection, it felt so . . . safe? positive? something I always craved but never believed would be? I think the correct answer would be ‘All the Above’, and probably more.
(I also dearly wanted to reciprocate, be a safe person for him by healing the ‘Michael’ aspect of my psyche. That’s the motivation for working so diligently on ‘Michael’ and I will continue even if G.G. is no longer a part of my life. Healing is for me first and foremost.)
But I knew G.G. needed to know the truth so figured out a way to tell him about the p.t.s.d. and flashbacks without implying I was aware of what he was doing, so I couldn’t tell him he was my version of the best kind of hero – imperfect.
(Is it any wonder why he’s in my heart? I’m crying – hard – while typing this, out of gratitude to him, was able to feel like I, as a whole person with a soul and not just parts mattered to someone, you know? And there’s sadness that who he is and what he represents to me is apparently not an option right now. Wonder if that’s why I write about him during these times, to kinda be reminded of that sort of security and protection even if it’s not tangible now.)
In the March 16 post I wrote about pushing out of comfort zones. I had tried to go to a bar alone to see my favorite local band but was incapable of going in because I knew there wasn’t anyone on the inside waiting for me. I now know that protection was what I was looking for from the band, but reality was also warring with that foolish hope, which is why I left. They may care about the people who support them, but they didn’t sign up for and don’t get paid to be my guard from the enemy memories waking in my mind.
And that brings me around to the truth. I can remind myself that even though I feel like I did when I was Grace’s age, which was like a victim with no recourse, I’m actually grown up now and can take care of myself (with God/Jesus and angels of course:)) I’ve taken I don’t know how many self defense and karate courses and will be getting a C.P.L. and gun soon to build myself up in this area. (Seriously, don’t mess with me!) I will continue to keep learning more about self-protection, too, because I am worthy of the effort to live life with increasingly less fear.
I am powerful whether I acknowledge it or not, and so are you if you need to be reminded, too.
This initial subject of this post will be continued next week. Hope to see you then! And don’t forget that on Friday there will be something creative/different waiting for you to read.
I hope you (and I!) notice some good stuff to smile about in the mean time!:))
After writing a bit about how imagining angels as comforters, I’m glad to have an opportunity to play this hauntingly beautiful song for you by Sarah McLachlan, “Angel”.
