Breaking Out of Shells

9/16/23

Hi Be-loved!

Have you ever experienced a proverbial ‘shedding of your shell’?

I recently (re)read Mitch Albom’s book, “The Stranger in the Lifeboat”, and this paragraph really grabbed my attention:

Rom . . . held up a tiny crab and said: “Did you know a crab will escape its shell thirty times before it dies?” He looked out to sea. “This world can be a trying place Inspector. Sometimes you have to shed who you were to live who you are.”   (p. 265)

I’ve read the book several times over the years. The first time, kinda wondered what all the fuss was about. Second time, understood it better, and now this last time, wow! Just that quote alone made it worth reading three times to finally see it.

I’ve experienced ‘letting go of the old self’ a few times over the years, including now. And if you’ve ever gone through it then you, too, can acknowledge it’s never comfortable! But you know it’s causing you to heal deeper and grow up more than you imagined, and it sets the stage for moving much further ahead in life.

I’ve spent a very long time working on healing from the horrors of childhood. 

All that abuse and trafficking created a mind (and heart) that were so traumatized and splintered into many slivers that I wondered if I could ever be made whole enough to matter . . .

And to capably handle whatever challenges come up . . .

And to be worthy of others’ respect . . .

And in faith, joy and peace (for the most part!:)) live a fun, full life that’s overflowing with  purpose and the ability and willingness to receive AND give all different kinds of love (for God, self, romantic, family-of-choice, friends, co-workers, and people in general) . . .

And be free (for the most part! :)) of unearned guilt, shame, pervasive negativity, and self-loathing and -condemnation.

Lord knows, I’ve come a long way and haven’t yet attained the fullness of the motivating promises God gave so long ago.

(Do you remember the promises He placed in your heart?)

I’ve hoped for a long time it could all happen but unable figure out how. That’s kept me from accepting that it is all possible. 

But you know what?  I still don’t know how, but here’s a growing faith that God does and that’s what matters. He gave me those dreams for a reason, you know?

What’s really cool is, at random times while praying and/or actually living in the present moment, I’ll catch quick glimpses in my mind’s eye of being in a loving, mutually respecting and fun marriage, or writing and giving talks with increasingly larger audiences, and being successful in other ways. At other times it’s a feeling of freedom from all the emotional baggage I’ve been toting all these years, or of what true, pure love really feels like. They offer so much hope with conviction!

I think this last shell has been about needing to shed the necessity of knowing exactly how life is unfolding, probably so I can overthink the snot out of how I’ll control the process and make it all happen.

I’m finally getting, I can’t control the variables, the other people involved, nor direct God on how He will go about doing what I think He should to make it all work out to my specifications and timing!

(Hmmmm . . .  what could possibly be wrong with that perception??? No need to wonder any longer why He laughs at me so much! :))

Whenever there’s further progress made in relinquishing the illusion of controlling the world around me, I can sorta feel my brain relax a bit more, too. It’s freer to be more creative, capable of noticing more of the beauty in God’s creations, and being more accepting of others (and self!), faith based, grateful and hopeful. 

Gotta love that, even if it is terrifying to acknowledge that everything besides myself is out of my control.
(After having lost control over our lives with whatever trauma we’ve been through, survivors can develop a (mis)belief that we need to take authority over God (!) and other’s lives in order to avoid being hurt anymore.)

A shell that’s yet to grow out of is the way I present myself to the world. 

I’ve known for a long time that the excess weight is not just about smothering the uncomfortable feelings created by the abuses that were buried for so long and are now emerging. It’s also a way to ‘winnow out the a**holes’.  (Ahem.)

When I was a young adult exercise, dressing well and always having my mask of make-up perfectly in place were the compulsions of choice.  I also had really lousy friends and started dating the abusive (now ex, thank you God!) husband. I knew there were better-for-me options on both counts, but chose the people who treated me like dirt to hang around with. 

While dating the ex, my subconscious was comprehending what he was really like but the lack of sense of self, and value, kept me in denial about how I deserved so much better. 

So, without understanding why on a conscious level, the subconscious started protecting me the only way it could – by causing weight gain, therefore making me less appealing to the shallow users and abasers in my life.

And you know what? It worked quite well. 

So I learned that a way to ‘winnow out the a**holes’ was to put little to no effort into how I look and dress. If someone has the inclination to treat others like dirt, they’re more apt to do that right away when seeing a person who doesn’t look like how they think we should. They show me, up front, to not waste my time and heart getting to know them better.

The people who treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve when I look like crap are keepers. 

I’m humbled and appreciative for the quality of friends now who see my value, in spite of how I usually look. 

It’s funny, but not that long ago I went to clean out my closet and had an eye-opening experience. Aside from a few articles of good clothes I like to wear when going out with friends and/or somewhere nice and/or actually wanting to be noticed in a positive way, much of the rest of the ‘wardrobe’ would never be accepted for donations except as rags! And not to brag, but I still wear some of those clothes – in public!

What else is kinda funny is that what I wear underneath and people don’t see, is (as of late) much different than what they do. That must indicate the dawning of acknowledgment I do deserve to wear better (and prettier!) things, but don’t yet have the gumption to let others see that with the outerwear. 

What I’m really geeked about though, is the day (which could already be here?) this Pearl fully understands I no longer need any type of shell to protect my heart in order to survive. I may always be, to some extent, a substantial woman but I’ll have enough faith in myself to know I can handle any dings to my open and loving heart with God, myself, and whatever good people are around to support me.

And you know what? In case you have any doubt, you do, too.

Heard this song a couple of times recently and realized I never appreciated what it meant. Here’s “Let It Grow” by Eric Clapton; I hope you like it, too.