Connections of the Heavenly Sort

7/6/24

Hi Angel ~

First, is there someone special from your past who taught you more than you ever would have guessed at the time? Care to share who, and perhaps why?

About this time every year I try to honor my uncle, a person whose value I was clueless about in childhood because he was ‘different’ and I didn’t know how to relate to him. 

Later on in younger adulthood, he became the person who taught me about humility, a positive aspect to love, and how much value people have even when their imperfections are more obvious, but definitely not greater than, the rest of the population. 

(One of the posts he was honored in is “I Am Redeemed” dated 7/6/23.)  

My Uncle became mentally challenged after surviving a high fever as a child. His heart however, though it may have been wounded by others’ prejudice and treatment of him at times, was never tainted.

His birthday is July 5 and he’d be 117 years old if he was still alive. 

Just have to say ~ Happy Birthday uncle! I love and miss you yet still feel your presence at times. You left behind wonderful memories of you, your humility, and sense of humor. You still make me smile. 🙂 Thank you for teaching me compassion, empathy, and how to love and treat you, just by being you. 

And thank you God for creating him, and having him in my life.

Amen.

Do you ever take the time to just ‘be’? To turn off all media and wallow in quiet and solitude?  Thankfully, I’m learning to do this more often; it’s quite a life changing habit when practiced regularly!

With one of the times I did this recently there was quite the interaction with Holy Spirit. It was so meaningful and helped me to better understand how much God cares, sees, and feels. 

Usually I meditate by ‘journaling with Jesus’, which I write about often. This time I was at my favorite park, sitting on ‘our’ bench and thinking about the plight of those who’re trafficked, including my own experiences and healing journey. 

For once, my mind was relatively focused on one concern which was how I could really ever make a difference to survivors of trauma. 

Even though for several years now I’ve been writing about this journey of moving from victim to survivor to thriver, hoping to reach at least one overcomer (many, preferably :)) to let them know someone (probably many more than we imagine) DOES care, can understand them at heart where it really matters, and to let them know they are worthy of being seen, heard, and loved. 

To give them hope, too, and remind them none of the shame was ever ours to begin with; it belongs squarely on the backs of the perpetrators and those who protect them.

And to give God back to over-comers if they doubt His love by helping them to see God was never in the evil; He was sustaining us through it. He loves us the way we deserve, and is asking to be our healer with our permission and agreement to work (imperfectly) with Him.

To that end, we at Pearls Unchained have also been giving talks, putting on human trafficking awareness events, supporting and helping other organizations, and we’re now in the process of making ‘Pearl, Unchained’ a nonprofit. We’re beginning to partner with certain organizations to financially help survivors of trauma make positive, lasting changes in their lives.

That day on that bench though, I was wondering how I could ever help to facilitate any lasting change for anyone. 

I’ve written a few times about how there’s a (thinning) wall to me being able to receive, and to love others like we deserve, and have been forgoing romantic relationships until I can give all like I ask to receive, and not run away from the strong and vulnerable emotions. 

I’ve recently been blessed with more beautiful visions/premonitions of how my life is transforming. They have me KNOWING and FEELING what it’s like to be FREE to love and live fully and easily, in joy and gratitude for the most part; even being fully engaged in and at peace with a romantic relationship with that Great Guy I keep believing for (when I’m not doubting, that is :)).

Hallelujah, I’m claiming it!

Yet there are other, increasingly fewer moments that show there’s still a nagging, effing, lingering (and waning) sense of not yet completely believing I’m worthy of it all. (Grumble.)

I was wondering when the rest of the healing is coming to fruition because until that happens, I can’t fully help others to their own path of breaking through their barriers. 

(And let’s face it, I wanna EXPERIENCE IT ALL, FULL TIME, FOR ME, too!:))

Lord knows I do try to help people when possible, to the extent I’m capable of. But I want to go the full distance so I can show others who doubt, they can do the same. 

Do you know what I mean?

Anyway, while sitting on the bench contemplating all that, I felt some of the left over calluses on my heart begin to soften more.

I was able to sense Jesus there and began weeping a little. 

(That’s how I usually know a connection to the Divine is forming – a deep sense of awe and humility that defies description emerges and creates gentle tears.)

I offered the questions to Him, and over my whimpier (and lazier) judgement added: “Break my heart for what breaks Yours, God”.

Before I go any further, here’s a note of caution (written with a touch of humor :)) . . . 

I was taught a long time ago, AFTER I asked God to “make me a more patient person, immediately!”, a couple of people, completely independent of each other, made the facetious-with-a-bit’o-warning comment: “NEVER ask God to teach you patience because He WILL teach you, and you WON’T like it!”

It wasn’t long before I fully understood what they meant – there started to be p-l-e-n-t-y of life lessons on W-A-I-T-I-N-G. After some snarling and gnashing of teeth each time, I figured out the W-A-I-T-I-N-G (AAARRRGGGHHH) for resolutions to problems, and benefits, wasn’t going to let up until I chose to cultivate a better ‘tude while biding time. 

(That was over twenty years ago and yes, I AM doing MUCH better with that now-a-days, it’s still a lesson in progress!) 

So, if in a moment of surrender or altruistic thinking we ask God to help us change our life because we realize we can’t do it without Him, remember, He WILL take you seriously (even if you didn’t), He WILL remember, and you WILL be repeating the lesson until you get it right the majority of the time!

After I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His, I had trepidation on how that would show up.

He didn’t take long to answer this time . . . 

I’ve previously written about taking a “Prayer’s that Heal The Heart” course through CWG Ministries. It’s a great course if you’re serious about healing; it takes you deeply, and safely, into the area(s) you’re working on. It’s not easy, it’s definitely NOT comfortable at times, and as with most other efforts – the more you put into it, the more you get out of it.

(And it ‘ain’t no place for sissies’!)

The issues God and I are healing this time are abandonment, bitterness and self-denigration.

Just a couple of days after that heart to heart conversation with Holy Spirit in the park, I started feeling such a deep, soul crushing emotional pain.

Tried to hide from it a while before finally screaming up the courage (Ha! perfect typo – was supposed to be ‘screwing’ up the courage but some ‘scream therapy was involved, so this works, too.:)) to face it in a session of ‘Journaling with Jesus’.

That showed me it was some of the previously buried pain from being abandoned at such a young age (4-5+) at someone’s house when me and the parent who left me both knew I was about to participate in a hellish ordeal in a den of horrors.

Lemme tell you, that pain goes deep, and so much more anger was coming up at God, too.

And while the adult, healing version of me KNOWS God never condones the hell of child sex trafficking and sexual abusive material (and every other abuse), the young child me who was re-experiencing the pain had a LOT to say, yell at and accuse Him of. 

After passively and lovingly allowing me to vent the anger, my heart seemed to hear Him say: “It was just a couple of days ago you asked me break your heart for what breaks mine, Pearl. Did it ever occur to you, what happened to YOU broke my heart?”

Oh. 

Well.

To be honest, no.

It’s never occurred to me that what happened broke anyone’s heart.

Always figured if nobody cared when I was so young, quiet and vulnerable, then why would they now? 

So God started reminding me of the times when compassion has been offered but I couldn’t yet receive it. Sometimes it happened with tears in the other person’s eyes in support groups and when giving talks, or when glimpsing someone in the peripheral of my walks through life who was trying to show they were there and cared but didn’t now how to approach me without scaring me off. There have also been so many experiences when God/Jesus and people have helped me out when I was in genuine need as an adult.

Maybe it’s time for me to look for and receive those loving moments (It’s becoming easier to do) and to consciously chose to replace the memories of abandonment with a “yeah, that did happen, but so did these other times when someone was here for me, even when I couldn’t acknowledge it then.” 

It’s kinda funny; it seems like such a simple solution and have heard it mentioned before but never realized until now, how often I was doing the opposite. 

Feeling that initial pain is sooo uncomfortable and can seem overwhelming, yet it’s necessary because we can’t heal what we won’t acknowledge. And with God, it leads to deep wound cleansing and helps us to release the hurt while gaining the freedom to increasingly enjoy life and love like we (and those we share it with) deserve. 

And like you deserve too, in case you need reminding. 

Trust me when I tell you this healing journey isn’t necessarily going to be easy but God’ll make sure it doesn’t crush us and will give us many beautiful moments and promises along the way.  We are all so worthy of the effort of doing what it takes to get out of the shallow, fear based end of the confining kiddie pool of life and to work our way up to swimming (and/or kayaking!) in faith, in the unpredictable and deep waters of the vast and exciting ocean of an imperfect life and real, lasting love in all of its forms. 

What do you think, Angel? (And I have no doubt, you’re an agent of healing for others at times whether you acknowledge or are aware of or not.) 

Are there traumas or experiences that, with good reason, have caused you to doubt what’s truly right for you?  And could there be many other times you may have forgotten about where God, people and other two and four legged beings DID come through for you, and show you your infinite value? 

I have a writers conference to attend in a few days so if you’re so inclined, would you please pray for traveling safety, to take in all that’ll help me improve, and to have FUN instead of anxiety!!!? Thank you in advance if you do, and may God bless you in a way you cannot miss whether you do or not! 🙂

I love this week’s song because it is such a departure from what Metallica usually plays. Their music is mostly heavy so when they had fun playing “Enter Sandman” with children’s instruments, Jimmy Fallon, and the band ‘The Roots’, it’s hard to not laugh, or at least smile. (For me, anyway!) Hope you, too, get a grin out of it.