(11/9/20)
(This could have triggers for some people)
Still Innocent Fractured memories remain in my mind, The first, a snapshot image of a kind of horror that wishes to remain untold, it happened so young and never grows old. (It was never my fault, NEVER my fault.) There’s a dreaded room at the end of a hall to where this wooden four year old Pearl walks. The man at my back compels me forward towards father’s friend’s room of horrors. (No, I could NOT have stopped it if I tried.) As my heart trips I enter the windowless room. I know no one cares while sensing the doom. Any hope is dashed when seen in the corner ~ a camera on a tripod poised to devour. (Please hear me, Pearl, it was NEVER my fault.) Stripped of dignity and clothing and told to pose, as a dog’s brought in . . . my mind’s eye closes. But I still feel the sensations and cannot escape the terror and shame burned into my fate. (It was NEVER my guilt and shame - it’s theirs.) Other shards of memories slither up over time, they can come and go with no warning or rhyme, like rows of folding chairs placed just so to watch Pearl annihilated for the greed of the debauched. (I am NOT ruined - I’m still God’s innocent Pearl.) Time has not erased the effects of these crimes, but God tempers them and shows countless times if I let myself see, it wasn’t about me, I’m still worthy of goodness, love, and decency. (And regardless of what I FEEL, I am still God’s innocent Pearl) c. Pearl E. M.
That’s enough for today. I’ll start ‘unpacking’ this on Wednesday with no graphic details. Gotta go cater to the mental hyperventilation that’s going on inside my brain now . . . (got any potato chips? Alice in Chains news? Live music from my favorite local band?) Oh yeah, let’s never forget (and please keep reminding me . . .) the predators only win if we stay convinced that what they did to us is the final say in who we are.
