Tues 6/15/21
(For clarification on who G.G., and the ‘Grace’ aspect of my psyche are please use the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.)
Hello! How are you doing today? If you’ve been ailing in anyway I hope and pray you’re on the mend. I do care and am praying for your health, all aspects of it.
You probably don’t (ahem) but I’m going to ask anyway – do you have any control issues? Do you feel stark raving terror (or maybe something a bit less dramatic :)) when you feel you don’t have power in a situation?
I’ve been woking on the control issues for a little while now, and have made good progress in some areas. But there’s still quite a bit I’m learning about how to recognize and relinquish it.
As a child I had so little influence over my own life. Being the youngest of five where any choices we had first went to the oldest and then each successive child chose from what was left over meant, of course, I had whatever was left over. (That style of parenting was pretty common then, I think.) So all my choices were made for me, whether I liked them or not, including having to endure all the abuse I didn’t want. As a younger adult I didn’t know any better so I ceded most of my decisions to others. I developed compulsions, first exercise and then working, etc., and in a weird way the compulsions provided the illusion of having control over some aspect of life.
After getting divorced and moving out on my own for the first time, I eventually had to quit working because of the C.P.T.S.D. I was so afraid of life and ‘triggers’ that I came thisclose to becoming agoraphobic. Living an extremely small existence was the only way to believe I had any power over life. It had to have been God who somehow pushed me out of my wee world to help out at a local humane society, and that in turn caused me to adopt dogs that needed walking, which got me out of the house most days.
I rarely had any friends for any length of time because if I sensed I wasn’t controlling them, then I felt powerless in the relationships so I’d always find a reason to walk away. (Not proud, just honest.) Of course I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but as it is said, hindsight can be 20/20.
Now, I’m in awe of how much bigger life is getting while simultaneously realizing how often I still run away from triggers and certain situations because of not being able to control them. I have made significant progress as far as friends are concerned, and by observing how they connect with their good pals (including me) I’m becoming better at relating to others. When they’ve made a mistake or hurt me (unintentionally) I can acknowledge that they’re as imperfect as I am and work it out with them or just let it go. There’s no doubt I try their patience and tolerance at times, too.
Thank You, God, for these ladies who teach me, by example, how to be a better person. They frequently tell me what I’m doing right – that I’m loyal, trustworthy, kind, a good listener, etc., and that helps me to become aware of and strengthen those traits, too.
During these last couple of days there was another epiphany about the control issues. First of all, I’ve been aware for years that the various abuses from childhood contributed significantly to the problem, and I’ve noticed it gets worse when the ‘Grace’ faction of my psyche is more prominent. I can become so much more hyper-vigilant and, for lack of a better term, paranoid. The first therapist I had explained it this way: “You’re not paranoid in the technical sense, what you’re experiencing is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation”. (Yay??)
There were also a couple of experiences that happened years ago that compounded this issue. First was when I was a young adult and working retail there was a stalking incident. The person had asked me out and I kindly said I was flattered but didn’t date (which was the truth). But then he would follow me home from work every night no matter how many different or convoluted routes I’d take or how much time I’d drive with the head lights off. He said he got my last name and phone number by calling the Secretary of State office. He told them a lie about how I had stopped to help him when his car broke down and it was ‘love at first sight for him’. He gave the person my license plate number and they apparently gave him my info. There were other incidents as far as he was concerned, but I’m sure you get the picture with these details.
Of course, having and divorcing a husband who could be abusive and threatening just added to the terror (literally) of feeling powerless in relationships with men.
(There have been a few times when I’ve told my story in individual or group therapy settings when people have said it’s a miracle I’ve survived everything and choose to face it all and do the work to heal it. I’m inclined to agree with them.)
So now the latest epiphany about control issues occurred after I saw Great Guy (G.G.) walking towards me at the park several days ago. (See last Friday’s post if you haven’t read it yet.) Even though I know he is a good person, is a man I actually want to see coming towards me, have my back, and do lovely things for, I still reacted with a ‘back off’ response. At least this time I became more aware of what’s provoking the negative responses. The first realization was mentioned in last Friday’s post and this one came a bit later.
As written about several weeks ago, there’s sometimes an intense anger and fear that I can now feel that shoots up quickly, and last week I realized this is causing a knee-jerk reaction in my psyche that essentially says, “Oh hell no, you’re not controlling me”. So once again, I reacted in a way G.G. didn’t deserve and I deeply regret that. I am so sorry he keeps paying for the sins of others.
So grateful to be more fully cognizant the ‘why’ behind what I’ve done without conscious intention so it can be healed. I’m getting there, for sure.
Looking back, I see how this behavior has been in action since the teen years, and it used to be with both males and females. If anyone I know is coming towards me outside of where I expect to see them, I try to find a way to avoid or just ignore them. However, if I see the person first and have enough time to consider who they are, or know I’ll be meeting them due to a prearranged agreement, then I can choose to approach them first and convince myself I have the control in the situation. Or, like happened yesterday when I knew I’d see G.G. at an event we were both attending (separately). I wanted to make amends for what happened in the park so I worked up the courage to approach him knowing he wouldn’t be happy to talk with me. In spite of having an idea of what I wanted to say, after the first couple of sentences I dissociated for I don’t know how long (not very, hopefully) and have no idea what may or may not have been said or done in those moments. When my brain came back to the present I could hear what he was saying but not really comprehend nor respond in an intelligent manner. And not to brag, but I acted like a ‘smiling idiot’. Aaarrrrgh!
Maybe I really should have become a nun back when I considered it after the divorce. G.G. certainly would have been better off if I had.
I’m sorry to all I’ve hurt before and along the way to finding my freedom.
Recently remembered this song from the eighties and still love it. May we all learn how to heal our broken wings without beating the snot out of anyone who comes close to us while we’re learning how to use our wings to soar. The song, “Broken Wings” is by Mister Mister.
Meet you back here on Friday? Until then, I hope you make an amazing memory or two.
.
