For Great Guy

2/23/25

Dear Great Guy, this one’s for you. (I really hope you see this.)

First of all, my friend (‘M’) and I had such an awesome time the other night! I think it was obvious we loved the music. (Well, most of it, anyway :)) Neither of us have had that much fun in a long time – thank you for being such a big part of it. Still enjoying it in my mind!

I think you know I’m also appreciative of you for many other reasons, not the least of which is for inspiring me, and drastically changing the emotional healing trajectory I’d been on for so long before we met. That was when I realized how f*cked up my reactions were, when you started getting into my heart in a way I hadn’t previously thought could happen. 

While the self-protective instincts that provoked the reactions were needed when I was younger, they eventually became the cause of the pain I’ve inflicted on you.

I’ve written quite a bit about this over the course of the blog so I won’t get into all of that here. 

So let’s continue with, I can understand if you think I’ve been talking in circles since – well, this all began. (And while I’d been wondering if there’s even a chance.)

I assure you, I never meant to intentionally hurt you nor play head games. What was written in this blog was always an honest and heart filled expression of where I was in those moments. Unfortunately, it was coupled with a psyche that was still convinced I could never be ‘cleansed enough’/worthy of someone like you. 

Somewhere along the way it also occurred to me, if there was ever hope for a healthy relationship I couldn’t just expect to receive the kind of love I never had before, I also had to be capable of giving you the best you deserved.

I kept trying to believe I could give what I wasn’t yet capable of because Lord knows I, too, was tired of all the dysfunctional crap and wanted to be done with it.

So in spite of how many times I tried to convince myself the right moment had come, only to fall on my intentions because the not-yet-healed-as-much-as-I-hoped psyche would malfunction again, there could be no giving up and staying mired in the mud. Slogging on had to continue in order to figure out how to do better.

The last blog post (“Cracking Open the Shell of Pearl & Thawing the Heart”) was about an experience that (I hoped) showed me how Jesus and I had gotten to the core of the protective encasing of self, and it had started to break open.

It offered so much hope, especially when combined with all the work that’s been done to build a self-image that’s increasingly convincing me of my true indelible value as a child of God. 

It also coincided with the plans ‘M’ and I had made for the great time the other night.

I had previously told her about some of the deeply regretted instances where either the brain, or I, left a scene you were in because the heart that still had its stone facade felt threatened by the hope of what it was beginning to feel. I owe ‘M’ a heap of gratitude for offering to be an anchor during our night out if I started to feel overwhelmed and had the urge to flee once again.

Had also asked for her help in gaining perspective on whether or not there was a possibility with you. We prayed for a definitive sign beforehand.

She encouraged me to talk with you but it didn’t work the couple of times I tried to reach out. And then came the moment where I knew there was the potential of being triggered but chose not to leave; I wanted to sit through if anything came up in order to try to break its hold. I was actually grateful to have felt safe enough to do that; what did come up was healed quite a bit in the process. 

It was so – well, amazing.  Where I’ve been taking martial arts classes, the master of the dojang has also been working with me with general self defense moves focusing on what to do if someone is trying to strangle me. So as I was in the midst of the flashback, I was able to imagine the hands that were wrapping around my throat as the master’s, was able to follow through with imagining myself doing the moves he taught me to break the hold on the perpetrator’s grip and knock his arms away. While I was doing that though, his hands and arms became a heavy chain that had been wound around my neck for decades, and it broke on both sides when knocking it away. 

While writing this, am just now allowing myself to more fully acknowledge what that means and . . . wow.

Right after the flashback happened and I came back to the present moment, I tried to get my friend to talk with me about something positive but she wasn’t quite sure what I was asking (I may have been a bit incoherent?) but she was the anchor I needed to get through it all (thank you, ‘M’). And the songs you chose to play after the trigger continued the healing. Thank you, Great Guy, for that.

Not sure of what was happening outside of the inside of my mind during the trigger; I really hoped it hadn’t been obvious what was going on but not so sure that was the case (ugh). All apologies to any witnesses if it wasn’t contained internally. 

I had chosen to stay when the potential for the trigger initially came up to prove to myself, (and, perhaps, you) I am getting better at not running away; the rest of what happened ended up being quite the bonus. 

Thank you, God. 

After the experience played itself out I wanted to celebrate but the brain was rung out and besides listening to the music, was only capable of having an inane conversation with ‘M’, and trying to act somewhat normal. (Not so sure that was accomplished.) Nothing else was really registering. 

So, perhaps needless to say, I musta missed that definitive divine response to “could you be my companion? Is there even a chance?”

This post is part of the process to figure that out.

If you do have a new girl now I apologize for interfering; I hope you genuinely love each other like you both deserve. If there isn’t, is there any reason to hope? 

If so, don’t give up on me – provided you can handle knowing I’ll always be a work in progress with no intention of ever being perfect.

If you chose to leave a comment below please do so with some reference that would let me know it really is you (I’m the only one who would see it but it may take a few days until I get somewhere with internet access again to get it). Or contact in some other way (I don’t use iMessage). 

If you ever see me and want to talk please call my name or say yours so I’ll know it’s you. (I pray to be able to hear and respond in the moment – know anytime you try is never wasted, provided I know that it’s you.) 

Whether there’s hope or not, know my perception of you being a mortal, imperfect angel who set me on a path I didn’t know I needed to walk won’t change; you’ll always be a treasure in my heart for being you, as well as such a significant part of this healing journey; and I thank God (and you) for helping me see what a truly decent, Great Guy is. 

Amen.