Michael and Great Guy (GG) are explained in the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.
Tues., 7/27/21
If you’d like to help someone who you believe is an abusive relationship, womenshealth.gov , article: https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship might be helpful for you.
Welcome, glad you’re here!
What was one of the larger, more beneficial actions you’ve ever taken for yourself?
Quite a few years ago I took a tentative step towards self-responsibility-and-love and haven’t stopped crawling, walking, trotting, and running towards it since . . .
(This is the conclusion to last Tuesday’s post [and third and final {Tuesday} installment] on leaving the abusive spouse.)
At first I wasn’t sure what “It’s time” was referring to. I was afraid to understand on a conscious level, (spiritually, I knew) so tried to deny it. And as much as I wanted to believe that Someone would want to help me get out of that mess, I was also terrified of what the consequences could be. So, per usual, it took a some time to be convinced and then lay the groundwork to leave.
I worked up the courage to ask the ex if he would consider going for marital counseling, and he flatly said no. To be honest, I was so glad. I had no desire to extend the relationship but just thought I was supposed to try. Every couple of days there was some other question about improving the marriage, and he wouldn’t consider any of them. Finally, after asking if he would participate in couples counseling again, and he refused, (thank Heavens!) I told him I was going to move out for just a little while. (I was too afraid to say it would be a permanent move.) I had never mentioned leaving before so he didn’t take it seriously. I quietly started packing up my stuff when he wasn’t around and putting it in a closet he never used.
I talked to my mother about leaving the ex without mentioning why. Can’t remember how the conversation went, (it wasn’t contentious), but I (gratefully) agreed to pay rent to move into her basement.
I could’ve gotten an apartment but knew the ex wanted to impress the family. I figured living with them would keep him from following through on the threats, if he was ever so inclined to do so.
‘A’ and a relative agreed to help me move. Didn’t tell them about the abuse or threats, either.
I left on a day the ex was working but he came home before we finished. ‘A’ said she met him before he entered the house and asked if he really thought trying to stop it from happening would be a good idea, and he apparently agreed it wouldn’t. Thank God (again), a family member was present.
You wanna know what ‘being stressed’ means? It’s telling the person who’s abused and threatened to kill you if you leave, talked about buying a gun, tortured your pets and never expressed regret for anything he did, that you’re going to leave him, but not right away. (Yeah, good times.) (NOT!)
The divorce ended up being the most amenable part of that relationship.
And just to add a bit more anxiety to the situation, this marriage and subsequent divorce were happening while I was working for the ring leaders of each major era of my childhood hell.
Yep, I chose to do that, too.(!) Definitely NOT proud about that, either, but that’s how strong denial and a form of ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ can be. (More on that in several weeks.)
I’m crying while writing this, and still can’t believe sometimes all I survived and then put myself through as an adult, before I knew any better and gained any sense of self.
This is what God did for me: He patiently and gently prepared and kept nudging me on what to do and when to leave the marriage to avoid serious repercussions. It took quite a while from the time He began speaking into my heart about the Bible and the actual leaving and divorce, but that time led me to become faith based enough to listen to HIM and LET Him do what I couldn’t.
I give Him complete credit {and gratitude} for leading me out of that self-made mess. (And me, for being too damn tired and desperate to fight Him for long!)
Thank You, God.
I have to tell you, early yesterday morning when walking my dog a beautiful, affirming happenstance occurred. (I think it’s called a God-incidence.)
But first, I have to set the scene . . .
These last several weeks have been pretty rough emotionally, in a healing sort of way (!?!). These posts have been dredging up some dark memories and feelings that needed to be processed. And I don’t know if you’ve read any older posts referring to the ‘Michael’ aspect of my psyche, but he’s starting to make his angst felt again. I’m actually hearing some of what his fear has been screaming in my subconscious whenever Great Guy is around. (Next Tuesday’s post will probably be about this.)
So, let’s just say I was ready for some more ‘light’ . . .
While walking my dog around my favorite park there was a fresh, white daisy lying on the grass and I claimed it! Then I may have seen GG across the five lanes of road, (and not running away, not that I’d blame him if he did) but at that time of morning my eyes are too bleary to see anything clearly beyond ten feet. My heart chose to believe it was him.
I am NOT implying GG left that flower, it was broken off of a plant near there. (But, of course, it doesn’t stop the wishing/hoping it was him.)
I later looked up what white daisies symbolize, and per ftd.com they signify innocence, purity, and true love. I recently wrote a post (Friday, 7/16/21) about a white dress and the struggle I had with believing I was worthy of something that looks so beautiful and untainted. That daisy is helping to push the knowledge that what ‘they’ did didn’t damage, defile and define me, to a deeper level.
Also received an e-mail from a woman from WAR International, an organization (against sex trafficking) I’m starting to get involved with. She said she was praying for me, and I didn’t even ask her to! Thank you, Becky.
So I was in pretty good spirits, yesterday. And what’s sad and pathetic is, I didn’t notice anyone I could even pretend was GG today when walking, so my ‘tude took a header. That’s gotta stop, making others responsible for downward moods ‘cuz it makes emotions so . . . um . . . wishy-washy? (And Lord knows, I can do that just fine all by myself!:))
(And just that acknowledgement is picking me back up, so thank me, Pearl! :))
I let ‘Michael’ choose this weeks song, “Just Like You” by Three Days Grace. It’s dedicated to ‘them’, all who did what they did to me as a child, and those I chose to surround myself with until finally realizing I was better off without anyone (‘cept God, of course). So very grateful to the amazing people in my life now who are so patiently teaching me what love and decency really are (sometimes to their own detriment!) and that I’m actually worthy of it. There’s a special place in Heaven for you, and I’ll make sure you get there (as if there’s a doubt you’d make it on your own!)
Hope you have some lovely moments over the next several day, and I look forward to meeting you here on Friday with something creative.
