11/3/23
Welcome Loved Person ~
Have you had any incidences where you experienced some sort of intervention or were witness to a supernatural moment that you couldn’t otherwise explain? Care to share?
I’ve been blessed and have had several recently, which is good since I’ve been going through another emotional ‘growth spurt’ that’s been rather heart rending and difficult to navigate at times but necessary to get where I’m going. (Hopefully?).
Praying this is leading to a double absolution of confusion and a perpetual sense of guilt that I could never get something right no matter what my intentions were and no matter how hard I tried. Sometimes that guilt was earned by how I acted out of my own as-yet-not-completely-healed wounds, and at others, by someone else’s determination to continually perceive the worst in certain situations.
Hallelujah, I get to keep affirming I have come such a long way in some areas, have a ways to go in another, and in all ways, a work in progress.
First though, the God moments! (That way, maybe I won’t have time and space to write about the painful stuff. There’s something to be said for avoidance at times!😅 . . . 😢)
The abode I abide in has had several different electrical problems for quite sometime. There have been a few electricians who’ve worked on them (supposedly!) but a couple of the issues persistently remain.
When I noticed an outlet that had turned black in the garage I called a company that was highly recommended, but the appointment had to be made for several weeks out because they’re so busy.
Turns out, it wasn’t just the outlet with the problem, the wiring was burning up too. When the electrician looked into it the black staining went all the way up the wall, and for whatever reason, hadn’t caused a fire yet!
Thank You, God!
Another God moment occurred while I’ve been trying to understand the changes that are going on in my heart, mind, and healing.
For a while now I’ve been so confused because I’ve held such a strong belief in a couple of ‘hopes’ for so long, and started questioning the potential for them. I couldn’t figure out if what I was experiencing were genuine hints it was time to let those ‘not yet’ realized hopes go, or if it was just the not-yet-consistently-and-completely-healed doubts and lack of self-worth rearing up stronger, trying to deter me from facing the fears that, if conquered, would open the door to fully accepting what I’ve been believing for.
(Hopefully that was explained well???)
When praying I (try to remember to add) if it’s in God’s will (‘cuz I don’t want anything less), and if it’s about a specific relationship, that all involved want the same thing (certainly do NOT want a relationship where someone really doesn’t want to be a part of it).
For the last few months when I’ve been praying for understanding and resolution there didn’t seem to be any definitive answers revealed, but I felt a continuing sense of encouragement and to keep my (faith based) eyes fixed on God.
I wondered if this was one more way He’s been teaching me how to relinquish the ‘trying to control everything’ mindset survivors can maladaptively adopt in order to help ourselves feel less vulnerable to those who have the power to hurt us. We can mistakenly (perhaps subconsciously) think if we have control over the people that matter then we will keep them from abusing and/or abandoning us.
That shows such a complete lack of faith in others and even more so, in our own ability to handle any more emotional pain. And, as I’m sure you can imagine, it keeps us from experiencing real, reciprocating caring connections with others, and therefore genuine love.
If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, then you know that is my most treasured goal – to receive and give the faith based love everyone in my life deserves, including my self.
Now back to the God moment . . .
In the music I have downloaded to my phone, there is, of course, quite a bit of rock, as well as some deeply meaningful Christian songs. When I’m experiencing searing emotional pain and/or confusion I sometimes listen to those songs to help comfort and take me further into prayer and connection with Jesus.
There’s also a song by Tim McGraw and Faith Hill called “Keep Your Eyes On Me”. My personal interpretation is they’re saying keep your eyes on God, but I’m not SURE that’s what they meant.
They may be singing it to each other (they’re married), saying they’ve always got each others back so if either one is feeling lost or down, they look to the other to sustain them until they’re feeling better.
I love that perspective too, so when I listen to it here’s an internal acknowledgement that I chose to only ever have that type of God ordained relationship. I haven’t been able receive that yet because I haven’t been able to consistently believe I’m worthy enough for it. So until that happens, I get to keep learning what God and I are capable of without that kind of support and love.
And if it never happens, I am learning my life is still full, amazing, purposeful and fun!
The other night, while lying awake experiencing the anguish of the doubts and fears mentioned above –
(which were also interspersed in last weeks post, in anger, unfortunately, to cover the pain I didn’t want to feel yet) –
I decided to cue up the playlist on my phone to Maria Gilpin music. She’s an amazingly beautifully gifted Christian singer whose songs can bring a supernatural solace at times.
The first song is called “Beckoning”, and it’s written from the viewpoint of Jesus inviting the weary and discouraged listener to come and rest in Him, and allow Him to tend to our hurts.
I set the phone down when “Beckoning” was about to start, but there was only silence. I looked at the screen and it was slowly scrolling on it’s own volition! I’ll be honest (as usual!), was kinda freaking out a bit. (Ok, a LOT! 😱)
It stopped at “Keep Your Eyes On Me”, and started playing that song! And when it was over it went back to “Beckoning”!
It was so bizarre!
And so needed.
What’s kind of funny is, the night before as I was grieving instead of sleeping I asked God to show some type of tangible proof He was here, in the room, hearing and actually caring about me; didn’t experience anything right then. (Apparently God’s still dealing with that pesky patience issue with me. (ARRRGH! :))
After that scrolling incident happened I remembered it had happened maybe a month or two before under the same circumstances, but I’d forgotten about it. (Perhaps due to freaked out disbelief?)
So grateful to have been reminded!
And in case you need to know or be reminded, God may not always show Himself to us when we think we need it the most, but He IS always listening, and loving us, no matter what we’ve got to honestly tell Him! (He can take it! :))
Since two songs were mentioned, both are below. The first is Maria Gilpin’s “Beckoning”, the second is a version of the McBraw/Hill “Keep Your Eyes On Me”. Couldn’t find a live version, this video is based on the healing movie, “The Shack”, which is where the song comes from.
