4/13/24
Good day Good Person –
Do you ‘participate’ in any phobias? 🙂 If so, how do you react when confronted with it?
Let’s see if you can guess what one of mine is . . .
I was in the middle of cleaning something when I noticed a defenseless spider on the wall, so I did what comes naturally and screamed; poor thing seemed to have been paralyzed in shock! (Logic asks – How could that be perceived as threatening??? 😱 Psyche responds – dunno, don’t care, just get it away from me!:))
Worked quickly to finish what I was doing in order to take care of the arachnid.
But then I couldn’t find the little bugger and realized my head had been close to where it was and concluded there was probably an 8 legged living hair ornament crawling across my scalp (yikes & shiver!:)).
That’s one way to start the day with a (somewhat overdone) horror based energy boost!
On to other matters . . .
Earlier in the year I was getting whiny about walking my dog in the colder weather so we weren’t getting as much exercise as we could’ve. Then several weeks ago it came down to, I couldn’t walk so SUDDENLY I wanted to! (It’s funny how that works, isn’t it?)
So, with ankles and other body parts that were a little worse for wear, started s-l-o-w-l-y getting back into it more consistently and now my dog and I are up to 1.25 miles, hallelujah! The turtle I imagine as being on the same path out paces us (can I blame it on the dog??) but progress is progress, right?
(Juuust agree with me, ok?)
Which leads me to another progress report, about how God sets us up to make the most out of the opportunities He sends our way if we actually do what He leads us to (some of the time, anyway!)
I was walking at a park a few days ago and given the chance to dissociate but didn’t take it! (Woo-hoo!) The facial expression I did have (and REMEMBERED!) wasn’t exactly impressive and pretty sure the other person involved wouldn’t say it was an improvement (ahem), but God helped me to see that it was.
It’s bizarre the sheer volume of negative thoughts that must’ve always gone through my mind in the past but they stayed in the subconscious while directing the conscious to ‘check out’/dissociate.
This time, because I was aware of the b.s. that was going on internally, I was able to stay in the present moment and chose to keep walking towards (but not up to) what intimidates the heart.
Some of the thoughts were along the line of ‘he’s making fun of and laughing at me!!’ (Which were echoes of what happened in childhood while surviving the hell of being denigrated, teased, taunted and bullied by family when I’d make a mistake, and the leering and jeering from the males that would gleefully watch while I forced to ‘perform’ with other males.) Those ‘feeling’ memories superimposed themselves on the present.
There were also self annihilating thoughts going on, too.
This revelation helped to better understand why the heart and brain have gotten so overwhelmed in the past and would trigger the dissociation to escape them.
Certainly not easy stuff to deal with, but I’m so glad God knows that I’m strong enough to work through this crap. Now I can ask Him into to it and be cured some more.
What really amazed me though, is how God had set me up for this opportunity to heal a week or so before.
I had been emotionally needy AND actually feeling the depth of vulnerability, fear of rejection and being abandoned when I asked Jesus to please be near. (I don’t remember adult me being able to feel this before now – I would always just react in unhealthy ways like turning to food to bury what couldn’t yet be consciously felt).
That depth of vulnerability was an emotional memory of childhood when terror filled younger me was helpless and had a desperate need to be rescued, yet asking for help only caused more denigration.
It hurt like hell to re-experience and it opened up the path to God’s entering and healing it. That led to the ability to take the next step on this journey a few days later at the park because more of that pain had been acknowledged, understood and let go of. It also helped to uproot more of the deeper knee jerk reaction that causes me to push so hard at the people my heart’s trying to trust.
So anyway, after the incident at the park I had a wonder-full image infuse my mind.
I was in a relationship with that great guy and it was without the baggage of the past – we were both free to trust teach other, support each other, love and respect each other like we deserve. We were teasing each other (in a good natured way!), laughing and having fun; doing the things most people take for granted in their relationships but it’s been quite the journey for me to start believing I can and am capable of doing, too.
Thank You, Jesus!
God ordered these events in the perfect way and timing so when I unintentionally didn’t stray from the path He laid out for me, there was this opportunity to have more chains tethering me to the past trauma, to be broken.
It also led to a better understanding – and acceptance – of what I am worthy of, and I will never settle for anything less again.
And just to be clear – I’m not trying to imply the image was a literal prophecy of what’s gong to happen in life, I consider it to be more of an expression of how much healing has taken place over the years. Whatever is coming up next in my realm is up to God, myself, and the people who chose (and I allow) to take part in it.
It’s taken so long to get here, and am so grateful to be made aware of the progress made.
I think these incidents illustrate something we can all experience at times.
So many of us are choosing to become a healed and/or better version of ourselves in order to do and accept all God has for us. But we can so frequently be focused on what we still have to do that we don’t notice how far we’ve come and the growth that is taking place s-l-o-w-l-y over (seemingly too much!:)) time.
And if we look to others to validate our progress we might be sorely disappointed and let that offset what God is trying to show us.
So often, people have no idea what incredible steps forward another has taken because they could aways take for granted how easy or comfortable it is for their self to do it. They can’t or won’t take the time to consider what someone like me (and others) go through to learn how to be able to healthfully attain the same things.
As much as I’d like to be completely free from all the b.s. that has kept me in various chains for way too long, I kinda hope God leaves something, like the ‘thorn in the flesh’ Paul the apostle wrote about in the Bible. It would perpetually remind me what it’s been like to slog through all of the work to get to where I’m at and going, and to be empathetic to others who are on a their own healing journey.
I’ve been thinking about some of the musicians I’ve dearly appreciated who’ve taken their own lives even though so many outsiders would think they had more than enough of everything to pacify their inner demons.
I wonder if Chris Cornell, Chester Bennington, Kurt Cobain and the others who died from their own intention, if they were on the verge of a major breakthrough and could’ve kept some sort of faith that comes from knowing God and His unconditional love is greater than the pain, and it was time to heal from it, then maybe they would still gratefully be here raising their families and creating the music so many of us love and relate to.
Many people, famous and not who are all beautiful souls in their own way, can mistakenly come to the conclusion the pain of the moment is all there’ll ever be so they do something they can never take back.
I hope (and so many others do too) to be one more voice calling out to the hurting who feel trapped in their wilderness. To effectively encourage them to stay on their healing path because they are finding their way even if they can’t tell right now, life does get better, this isn’t all there is, and here is a God who is so LOVINGLY powerful and greater than any pain, who’s unconditionally and patiently waiting for us to let Him to do for us what we can’t do for ourselves.
And to remind us all, repeatedly, we are worthy of doing all we can (and letting God do the rest), and to take whatever time is needed to achieve freedom from all that’s holding us captive.
Amen.
