Mon. 10/12/20
HI! I’m Pearl, pleased to meet you!
I hope you’re doing o.k.?
I’d like to tell you a bit about this blog . . .
I have a lot to say and since I’m not all that socially adept or verbally eloquent at this point in my
life, writing it’ll be. (I firmly believe God gave me the gift of writing to compensate for the gift of
gab He has yet to bestow upon me :)).
I’ve waited a long time to get to the point where I can do this. I’ve been trying to emotionally heal
with copious amounts of help from God and professionals for too many years to brag about,
really. I have so frequently wanted to give up during these years but what keeps me going is the
knowledge that one day I would be turning what people meant for evil into good. The only way I
know how to do that is by telling my own story, hoping to reach other survivors of particularly
heinous forms of child sexually abusive material amongst other things. We all deserve to know we are not alone, we are all worthy of doing whatever it takes to heal, and that we can LIVE a fulfilling, loving, fun life no matter what we’ve been through (I’m experiencing it more and more, thank God!). I am not here to tell you how to go about your own journey because I think we each have our own path to walk (or barely crawl at times). Not to brag, but I have made many, many mistakes so far and I’ll mention them over time so you can either laugh, avoid those pitfalls, or relate to them if it’s too late. I’ll also mention what I’ve done that is right for me, so maybe some of that stuff will either be helpful for you, too or perhaps inspire you to come up with your own game plan for your journey.
Just to be clear, I am not a psychologist or an expert in any way. I am just a woman who has spent A LOT of prayer, time, money, and resources trying to heal. (As a byproduct of all this self-reflection I have also become quite self-centered, if I do say so myself.:)) To be even more honest, I still have a lot of growing up to do. I am humbly asking you to walk with me as I spend this next year getting past the barriers that have been keeping me from becoming all I KNOW I can be. I hope to encourage you, too. I am beginning to appreciate the fact that I am good enough just as I am, with room to grow and change of course, like you are. Because of being a perpetual work in progress (WIP), a lot of what I believe at this stage in my journey may be refined and deepened as we g(r)o(w) along.
About ‘Prelude To Pearl’, the poems from the first week . . .
My (proverbial) voice had been pretty much silenced early on. Eventually, writing became the
way to privately express my thoughts. “Picking Up the Pieces/Pearl Unchained”, was written
over the course of approximately 35 +/- years. While the majority of what I’ve written is
autobiographical, most of it is about a certain place and time. “Picking Up the Pieces/Pearl
Unchained” spans my whole life, even beyond today. I’m amazed when what is written seems to frequently be blessed with a promise of something that hasn’t happened yet. In ‘Pearl, Unchained’, when the last verses were written I was just realizing I had no idea what love
was (more on that later). I believe those last two lines were given to me by God, to hint at what
is coming to fruition as I’m ready and if I don’t give up. Pretty much all of “Resurrection” was
written like this. It was ‘birthed’ soon after starting therapy and I wasn’t aware of all that was
lurking in my psyche so I didn’t know what a lot of “Resurrection” meant on a conscious level. It took a few years before I understood the breadth and depth of the truths, struggle it alluded to and the length of time it’s taking to heal from it all. I experience the promise of the ending lines more and more and so I hold on to that when the lazier & impatient part of me would rather I didn’t.
Throughout my life there’s only been one thing I’ve loved consistently as much as I want without
fear or regret, and that’s music. I always claimed rock music is why & how I survived. When there were no words, nowhere to turn to, no way to escape in real life, music did it for me. Playing it in my mind while the abuse was happening would obliterate the hell and listening to it afterward, it would express all I couldn’t. I was always a bit too anal to do much with, drugs, alcohol, or screwing around so music was, and still is, my hope, hideaway, security blanket, way to express myself and so much more.
Because of that, I will frequently add a song that has significant meaning to me.
Today it’s “Magic Power” by one of my all-time favorite bands, Triumph. This song was a hit in
1981 and I would impatiently wait for it to play on the radio. It describes exactly what music can
do for me. At the time it was if my psyche was in its own coffin, but when “Magic Power” came
on the radio I imagined my spirit rising up, capable of LOVING, LIVING, being FREE – all the
song says. I hope it does the same for you if you need some pick me up. Enjoy!
Thank you, Greg, for being a source of Magic Power for me. You so patiently helped me to find
the music inside, in spite of me. I’m getting there!
Magic Power by Triumph
Something’s at the edge of your mind, you don’t know what it is
Something you were hoping to find but you’re not sure what it is
Then you hear the music and it all comes crystal clear
The music does the talkin’ says the things you want to hear
I’m young, I’m wild and I’m free
I got the magic power of the music in me
She climbs into bed, she pulls the covers overhead and she turns her little radio on
She’s had a rotten day so she hopes the DJ’s gonna play her favorite song
It makes her feel much better, brings her closer to her dreams
A little magic power makes it better than it seems
She’s young now, she’s wild now, she wants to be free
She gets the magic power of the music in me
If you’re thinkin’ it over but you just can’t sort it out
Do you want someone to tell you what they think it’s all about
Are you the one and only who’s sad and lonely, reachin’ for the top
Well the music keeps you going and it’s never going to stop
Never gonna stop
Never gonna, never gonna, never gonna stop
The world is full of compromises and infinite red tape
But the music’s got the magic it’s your one chance for escape
So turn me on – turn me up – it’s your turn to dream
A little magic power makes it better than it seems
I’m young, I’m wild and I’m free
I got the magic power of the music in me
Songwriters: Gil Moore / Mike Levine / Rik Emmett
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQNma7xjMGE