11/23/21
Hi Wonderful Person,
What’s new in your life?
Can you tell me at least three things that are wonderful about you?
Hmm . . . now let’s see if I can do what I’m asking you to do . . . I have an ever growing faith in God, which is far greater than faith in myself or else I wouldn’t be here today. My faith in self is growing, too, along with the humility that acknowledges that sometimes I can only because God does the hard work through me. I am also much less judgmental than I used to be. I now know (yay?) I can immediately jump to the worst conclusions about a person’s behavior and intentions, and that’s why I might ask so many questions, to clarify if the other will let me. Have also learned to walk away from questionable situations instead of expressing the immediate anger or hurt in order to take the time to allow the old self defensive knee jerk reactions to be counteracted by Growing-up Pearl’s opening heart, which has compassion and understands that the vast majority of people don’t intend to do harm. (Woo hoo!)
Before I get into the continuation from last week’s post I just want to delve a little more into what that last part of the previous paragraph is convicting me of.
A couple of weeks ago I described an incident that happened in the park. (Refer to “Please Don’t Give Up” dated 11/9/21 if you don’t know what this is about.) Since my dog has been able to go for walks again I’ve gone back to the same place (in daylight!) to do most of our exercising. The first couple of times there I kept thinking (ok, obsessing :)) about what had happened. I can’t say for sure that the guy was a ‘Twit’. I couldn’t tell who he, nor what his intention, was (or even if there was one) since I never actually saw him through the dark and rain. Seems to me he could’ve said something when he noticed my staring into his direction for so long, to assure this obviously concerned person that he wasn’t a menace. Yet just because he didn’t, doesn’t mean he was a threat, I suppose. And if he had no ill intent, then like him, hearing “That’s not impressive” probably would’ve pissed me off, too.
It bugs me that the instinct about what’s for good or evil is not consistent yet. Have learned to be cautious until intuition becomes honed.
Over all, though, it’s been a good week. Much positive is happening. Spent fun and productive time with good friends, and am actually cooking (!), with most of it turning out pretty good!!! Also still receiving and processing what ‘Penelope’ is trying to express.
There’s something about this healing journey that I’d like to make clear. It may not always be giggles and easy street while integrating old emotional/mental/spiritual wounds, and to be honest it can feel like a curse at times. But for people who had to survive trauma and repress the memory of it, then in reality it’s a sign of internal growth, strength and soundness of mind. Our psyche’s wouldn’t be offering the up difficult memories if it didn’t think we could handle it. Whether or not we decide, on a conscious level, to deal with it from that perspective is up to us. Not to brag (ahem), but I still have moments (ok, hours!) (days??) when I forget that I CAN handle it.
Was so grateful to have spent quality time with some of my Soul Sisters (SS) at a Board (for the nonprofit we’re a part of) retreat this last weekend. Thought I was acting semi-normal, (well, normal for me, anyway :)), until K. kindly and without judgement called me on it. She opened up the door for me to talk, or more like speak gibberish about what’s been going on. (And they understood!!!) It was so helpful, thank you K for asking, and SS for patiently and compassionately listening. My SS help me to regain a more positive attitude about this, and even though I’m still eating way too much at least elder Pearl is now more aware of her (my) power to cope as Penelope remembers, heals, and is integrated.
Am also so grateful because as the SS listen, show genuine empathy and nurture my healing, they’re showing me how to do that for others. Thank God, they’re growing me up some more!!!
NOW, continuing from last weeks post . . .
Couldn’t figure out what the images from the past had to do with the dysfunctional reactions I have in the present, until the emotions from those abandoned moments began to unfreeze and connections were formed.
Those God awful feelings – of trepidation and outright terror, yet hope that it’ll be different this time. Probably usually went fairly easily with whoever was going to drop me off because I’d been so hoping that this time they actually wanted to spend time with me, to have (good, innocent) fun with me. (So I learned NO ONE would ever want to do anything with me unless it was solely for their benefit.)
Then the awareness that I was fooled again led to the hollowness of abandonment, and crushing of spirit from realizing I was just betrayed, again, by someone I so desperately wanted to trust. (That taught me to daydream about trusting trustworthy people from afar instead of actually putting it to the test of real relationships.)
There was this deep, pervasive craving to be loved the way I wished I deserved – and believing on an ever deepening level, I didn’t deserve it at all, after all. (Now I know my worth is not based on what others do to/don’t do for me. Would you please keep reminding me of that? I’ll do the same for you if you ever need it, ok?)
And I knew that neither they nor anybody else would be coming back to help or save me. Even fantasizing about being rescued didn’t completely abolish the sense that I wasn’t worth saving. (This is why I’ve never looked for help in any threatening situation.)
Then there’s been the ever present belief that what was happening was all my (at 3,4,5,+years old) fault. I’ve always heard that children blame themselves for whatever wrong is going on in their environment, and I’ve never felt it to this degree. (That taught me whatever was wrong in any relationship was my fault, my burden to apologize and atone for {or walk away from} even when it obviously wasn’t.)
God, this shit, these wounds, go so f*cking deep.
I’m realizing once again, but in a more informed way, how much these wounds effect all my relationships. Why I’ve always been such a flight risk. I so easily (in the past, am doing so much better in some ways {so there’s much hope for the other areas}) walked away before one more person I cared about could hurt me yet maintained relationships with people I didn’t care about, who frequently treated me like crap. Not only did they treat me the way I used to be convinced I deserved, they also could never touch my heart.
A lot of that is not exactly a news flash, so it’s surprising me that my heart and psyche are acting like it is.
Actually, not really now that I’ve walked away from this for a while and thought about it.
If ‘Penelope’ is a part of psyche/heart that has been segregated from the rest of the ‘splinters of self’ that have been healing, then I guess it would stand to reason she’s never had the opportunity to understand, heal and grow up with them.
Of course I’m crying. But you know what’s so amazing this time? The tears are coming from a different place. There are child Penelope’s tears that she’s never felt safe enough to express before, and healthy grief from recognizing how the abuse has altered how I interact with self and others, and how much I’ve missed out on because of it. And, thank Heavens, here’s also a sense of relief because this doesn’t feel like it’s the end of the world like it would have in the past. Today, I know that even though the healing journey may not be completely over yet, this is another major shift towards living a freer, fun, much more loving and well lived life.
Thank God – and Pearl! (And Soul Sisters!) Amen!
This week’s song is “Tunnels” by Nothing More. Heard it for the first time a couple of days ago and knew it would have to make it to this blog. Love the meaning, about refusing to let life keep you down, refusing to merely barely exist.
