Tuesday 2/2/21
(For brief explanations about ‘Grace’ and the fractured parts of my psyche, please see the post “Dissociation” dated 10/14/20, or ‘Cast of Characters In My Mind’ tab on the Home Page)
Hi, how are you doing today? I hope you had some good times this past weekend?
Knowing I am going to write about this, combined with giving my testimony next week to the teen support group I co-facilitate and starting a new volunteer job later this morning, sleep is a bit illusive. I decided to read my Bible to try to ‘gird myself up’. Read Gospel of John chapter 20 about Jesus’ resurrection, journaled about it, then thought I could sleep. After turning off the light and while thinking about what I read and still worrying about everything, that beautiful, gentle voice of Spirit whispered into my heart, “You are cherished”. My first reaction was, “Say what??? Just as I am, at this point in life? Now???” And I remembered what was written in the post titled “A Loving Father” dated 12/16/20, about the (re)revelation that even though my earthly father was apparently incapable of it, my Heavenly Father always did love me, ME! (F.Y.I., I used to think I was the exception – am finally learning to accept He DOES love me like He loves everyone else, including you, in case you want to accept that and/or need reminding of it, too.:))
I’ll need to be reminded of this frequently over the next several weeks.
Now I’d like to introduce you to Grace . . .
Grace came into being after Little Pearl’s (L.P.) era ended, at about 7 years of age. She had some good experiences, especially wth her friends, and some rather horrific ones with other people.
(Some fun memories are surfacing about my friends as I’m editing this – so grateful for the smiles! One of the memories is: When we were preteens ‘R’, a friend of mine and I decided to go for a ride on the horse her family had just bought. When we put the saddle on we knew we were supposed to tighten the cinch more but thought that’d be cruel so we decided it was tight enough. We were told to ride only in the corral but she was bold and decided to go out on the gravel roads. We were about a half mile from her house when we realized the saddle was slowly slipping sideways, with us still in it of course, and we were sliding our way around to the horses belly. (What a vision that must’ve been – thankfully this was before cell phones with video cameras!) At first we were trying to figure out how to hold on but then realized we had to essentially dive off the saddle before we were completely upside down. So grateful we didn’t have a lot of gravel embedded in our flesh as we walked the horse back to R’s house. I’m sure that inside his mind the horse was laughing harder than we were!)
Back to the original writing . . .
With being the last of five children born into a realm where each successive child was considered less than the one before it, Grace wasn’t exactly respected by her family, which didn’t help her cope. With what I remember to this point, it seems like there was a constant barrage of denigrating comments, but I’m sure there were positive times, too, if never positive words spoken over her. Family never thought to tell her there was anything right about her unless it was her mother, trying to appease her own guilt about forcing L.P. & Grace to continue to endure hell so she wouldn’t have to deal with it. (See posts dated 10/19/20, titled ‘How Pearl Was(n’t) Nurtured’ and 10/21/20, ‘Real Love’ for those details.)
(While writing this there is so much pain, sadness, anger, and an internal struggle with shame trying to take me down and keep me there, telling me I have no value. Gotta keep remembering, “I AM cherished and loved”.)
It was frequently to my emotional and mental detriment to make a mistake, show any weakness and emotion, including laughter because their verbal abuse (‘big baby’, ‘spoiled brat’, ‘dummy’, etc.) would come out in full force then. My oldest sibling, who seemed to tolerate me at times, enlisted in the army when I was seven years old and I deeply felt abandoned by him when he left. The sibling I was closest to would frequently bully/humiliate me in front of friends when I had them over. Another could jump to the worst possible judgement no matter what I said or did then accuse me of things I hadn’t done or thought (like mom sometimes did). The male siblings would see who could, in jest supposedly, terrify me the most. Because of the p.t.s.d. that had already been implanted by the abuses L.P. endured, the terror that they evoked and screaming I did wasn’t funny to me. And one of those male siblings was an out and out bully who was adored by most so if they did catch him doing anything it was either ignored or I was told to just get over myself..
And once again, I was completely on my own when it came to the other hell I had to endure at the hands of those I was supposed to have been able to trust, and I was punished if I had any emotional reaction to what was being done to me. There’ll be more written about this in a couple of weeks. On this next Tuesday E.P. will explain how this emotional and mental abuse effected me in later years. Until we meet again I pray we both have some beautiful moments. We’re worthy!
Thank you, R, for your friendship and fun. Unfortunately, you were one of the first friends I pushed away without explanation when life got to be too much. I’m sorry.
Friday’s post is more creative, hope to share it with you then!
Today’s tune is “I Am A Rock” by Simon and Garfunkel. I remember repeatedly trying so hard to become this song. I would make progress, then family would do something kind or leave me alone for a while and I would let my heart open because that was what I really wanted. But hell would restart, I’d hate myself even more for trusting one more time, then try to become rock-like again. Unfortunately, I did eventually succeed at walling my heart off. So grateful to be finally chipping the outer granite away and putting the pieces back together. It’s good to breath fully and learn to love again, even if it does hurt like the dickens sometimes. Thank You, God.
"I Am A Rock" A winter's day In a deep and dark December I am alone Gazing from my window To the streets below On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow I am a rock I am an island I've built walls A fortress, steep and mighty That none may penetrate I have no need of friendship Friendship causes pain Its laughter and its loving I disdain I am a rock I am an island Don't talk of love Well, I've heard the words before It's sleeping in my memory I won't disturb the slumber Of feelings that have died If I never loved, I never would have cried I am a rock I am an island I have my books And my poetry to protect me I am shielded in my armor Hiding in my room Safe within my womb I touch no one and no one touches me I am a rock I am an island And a rock feels no pain And an island never cries c. Paul Simon
Y♡U Are Treasured
Yer gonna make me cry. Thank you!