8/12/25
Good Day Good Person –
How’re you doing today?
Do you have faith? Even if it’s a struggling faith, do you allow it to help you experience some amazing God/Jesus interventions and blessings you never hoped, prayed for, nor planned into existence?
From this side, life’s been quite the faith questioning, and building, journey lately. I’m getting the impression, the more I allow myself to believe, the more I’m seeing, you know? From simple wishes granted to deepest fears being excavated to be healed.
To begin with, in a way only God could arrange, after some internal whining about how many years it’s been since I’ve been able to take a couple of days off in a row, a friend invited me to her cabin for several days!
It was so amazing – fifteen minutes after arriving we were sitting in the yard, peacefully watching a beautiful river flow. Almost immediately a bald eagle flew by fifty feet away, then three or four herons came out to frolic in the water. (Ahhhh, deep relaxing sigh.) God is so good and His creation, magnificent!
We also went for a three hour kayak run – it doesn’t get much better than that, until . . . 🙂
The day after I came home another friend and her hubby brought their incredibly intelligent, goofy, energetic four legged cuddle monster over to be dog sat. I’ve been missing my Super-Duper-Awesome-Cooper quite a bit lately and God musta saw fit to provide a pit bull on the premises for three awesome days, hal-le-lu-jah! When they picked him up they said they were amenable to working out a custody agreement. 🙂
In another vein, have been organizing several human trafficking awareness events, one of which is coming up in a couple of weeks (gulp). The lady who began this part of the Pearl Unchained endeavor with me several years ago was hired for a great job at the local women’s shelter and she gave up her (unpaid) board position with us to devote her time to her new career. I’m glad she got the job, she’s perfect for it and we support her in any way we can, but I’m also a bit freaked out to be organizing this event without her co-leadership. I so appreciate the help she and the other members of our group have been giving to organize this and the other events, as well as the participants. Can only hope we stay on track and it all finishes well.
Would you please pray it’s run well, and we have a good turnout?
And while we’re on that subject, if there’s ever anything you’d like prayer for please don’t hesitate to mention it in the comment section below the posts. It won’t show for public viewing until I read, respond to and release it, usually in two or three weeks when the next post goes live. Just mention if you’d rather keep it private and no one else will know. It you’re ok with it being made public, it will show up underneath the same post you originally wrote it under.
God’s also been helping to integrate a ‘splintered’ part of my psyche, therefore moving forward significantly with healing the Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Per usual, my mind and emotions became more jumbled during the week(s) leading up to the ‘rebirth’. This time, the splinter’s seven year old me, who I’ll refer to as ‘LP’ (for Little Pearl).
What’s kinda funny is, when the emotional and mental confusion were gearing up but before I knew where it was leading, coupled with, amongst other things, helping a friend through her latest surgery and recovery, I was a feeling overwhelmed and thought I was choosing to take a break from the martial arts class and the incredible church I recently started attending. Both of which are potential ‘family-of-choice’ groups by the way.
So it wasn’t that much of a shocker when ‘LP’ revealed herself via an image that was a quick representative snippet of why she splintered off. She’d had enough of the pain of being surrounded by her pimps, pornographers, rapists, molesters, taunters, liars and those who protected them instead of her – A.K.A., family and their friends. She was turning and walking away from them specifically, and the world in general. She looked dejected, alone, and in much inexpressible emotional pain. She was exhausted and just wanted to be left alone, forever.
That two second image explained so much. Like, how long and why I’ve been rejecting people who get close to my heart, even when on a conscious level I’ve wanted those various relationships. And why, even though I can get lonely at times and do claim some good friends, I get exhausted being around humans. I keep trying to pretend I’m not terrified of what they can do to me if I let myself truly care as well as acting like my brain is ‘normal’ when it’s struggling to follow what’s going on and stay linear. And/or attempting to keep a lid on the emotions that are, at times, too close to the surface, especially when they’re being integrated and processed.
That seven-year-old’s feelings got in the way the other day when I was at my favorite local park. I can laugh about it now, but in the moment, not so much 😱.
I love to leave small items of encouragement for others to find and take, but due to financial and time constraints haven’t been able to leave as many as I used to.
I’m aware there are several people who consistently claim them, and I’m glad they do. After I put (too few) of them out the other day I was driving past the park a couple hours later and decided to check if the tokens had been taken and considering putting another one out if they had.
Someone was in a parked car near one of the benches I checked. The vehicle reminded me of one a person I used to know drove. He has since served jail time for stalking another woman, breaking into her house and taking it over when she wasn’t there. I’ve noticed this male several times over the last year or so even though he doesn’t live anywhere near here. He’s usually just sitting in a vehicle in a parking lot, never getting out of it. He shows up when I’m in the building, or walking, then leaves after a few minutes when I won’t drive away first.
I couldn’t see through the car’s darkened windows and because I’m processing the emotions and memories of a child who’s had enough of the hell she’s been experiencing, I decided I had to know If it was him, or who I actually wanted it to be, and/or one of the people that takes the items, or a random stranger.
So with the logic of an adult second grader (?), I drove near the auto and tried willing the person to get out. I got so ticked off when they opened their door but didn’t climb out. After perhaps a minute I angrily drove off without knowing who the (probably innocent) person was. When my mind came fully back to the present moment I had no idea what I would have done if it was the blast from the past and he got out of the car – maybe kicked him in the shin and ran off like a child might do? Good grief! 🙂 Glad I can laugh about it now but Lordy, I am so thankful this part of the psyche is healing.
So, can you see why solitude, or more accurately isolation, can seem like the perfect antidote at times?
Anyway, I’ve been getting a few of LP’s memories back. Some are fun and innocent with friends, and others on the malevolent side. One night I started feeling LP’s previously repressed emotional pain and fear. I was laying down, curled up and just starting to sob when I had this Heaven sent experience of Jesus standing at my back, gently laying His hand on my shoulder while He prayed for healing. Then on the other side of the bed a group of angels appeared; some were people I had a truly good relationship with when they were alive, and others were angels that had always been immortal. They tenderly laid their hands on my side to pray along with Jesus. It was so comforting and healing and it still evokes tears, but for an awe-inspired reason now. (Sniffle :))
A couple of nights later I was doing my journaling with Jesus when another couple of beautiful, and hopefully prophetic, images about imminent complete healing emerged. I’ll write about them when they become reality.
In the end though, I think a version of ‘complete’ healing is attained when we accept and love ourselves with humility and a sense of awareness, and humor, about our foibles. We can have limitations we’re working on, still be ‘incomplete’ and imperfect, while having faith whatever is best for us is still probable. And what has been so – um – peace inducing is when I surrender it all God knowing what I think is best may not be what God has in mind. I want absolutely nothing less than what He has for me because He won’t undervalue what I deserve like I would. And He’ll do the same for you, too.
God is also letting me know it’s time to forgive it all. Not because the perpetrators are waiting with bated breath for it – those who are still breathing are enjoying their lives without conscious guilt or a desire to apologize. It’s more about freeing me to love and live fully, and to quit making innocent others pay for the predators, and their protectors’, sins.
This is something I am so not proud of, but I’m becoming increasingly aware there’s a previously subconscious thought and feeling that’s played out when I reject a friend/friend in the making or great guy. There’s an angry, ugly, snarling, satisfied sense of “See? I got you before you could hurt me!!” (Ugh.)
In a timely God-like fashion Joyce Meyer had a couple podcasts about surviving the types of trauma most can’t fathom at the hands of those they had to trust, and then forgiving the perpetrators who won’t acknowledge what they did.
They talked about how waiting for someone to apologize is allowing their power to continue to reign over us. And if they never do, we’re never set free to live and love like we deserve. We have to take responsibility to forgive without their ‘permission’.
I’ve heard most of this before and now it’s time to allow it to happen. I’m crying hard while typing this because I’m feeling the vulnerability of the LP’s who’ve had to erect their walls of anger and rejection to cover their terror and pain. Their splintering off has never allowed them to experience the kindness and gentleness of those who have cared over the years, and thy never learned to trust a human being. The L.P.s, or rather I, am so afraid of being without that perceived protection, but it’s also kept me from experiencing the types of love others can take for granted, including of self.
It’s quite the difficult and emotional undertaking, but if God says it’s time, then as I allow Him to He will be my strength when I feel so damn weak and vulnerable.
As I’m typing this another image has taken shape – Jesus is standing right beside me, with His hands held towards me. He is the perfect picture of gentleness, love, understanding, and ‘can do’ power. He’s patiently waiting for the LPs and adult me to take His hands and let Him lead and work in me. Thank You, Jesus; I think I’ll take You up on this.
Hopefully you, too, are learning when we ask God into our life and if needed, healing journey, then imperfectly do what we’re guided to, He comes through for us in ways we could never predict, imagine, manipulate or even hope for.
Thank You, God. Amen.