Keep Believing Love

7/28/24

G’day Lovely Person –

Have you ever wondered if you’re ever going to get to where you’ve been believing you were meant to be, whether it’s a geographical destination, attaining a dream that was placed your heart long ago, or physical/mental/emotional healing?

If so, how did you keep yourself motivated amidst the doubts?

Or have you given up? 

Then perhaps it’s time to dust off the most cherished dream(s) in your heart which may or may not need tweaking and consider it/them once again?

If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time then you know I’ve been on a healing journey from the effects of surviving the horror of child- sex trafficking and sexually abusive material, among other things.

This past week nightmares have been rearing their hideous head again, and a bigger event the Pearl, Unchained group has been planning is less than a week away and some of the major components we thought were pretty well taken care of, well, have proven otherwise (Ugh :)).

And let’s just say my psyche was having quite the snit fit while my heart was prone to be weeping in frustration one minute and protectively snarling the next. There were moments when the mental hyperventilating actually started becoming physical!

Good times, good times. 😱 🙂

The other day I was asking God for a different perspective and go figure, he gave it. Yay God! 

It’s been a long journey for all of this and am now realizing all the doubts, fears and concerns that it’s taking too long are actually being eased, and the belief a complete healing is possible is gloriously growing. 

It’s amazing what a bit of healing and a different ‘tude can do for ya!

I’ve been working the ‘Prayers That Heal The Heart’ class through CWG Ministries for the last few weeks. My coach and I are working more intently with healing the instances of abuse and it’s making such a difference! There’s so much hope it’ll do what all the previous years of healing work haven’t. (Maybe they were preparing me for this?) 

There’s still a very dark and elusive memory lurking in the shadows that when it starts rising to the surface can cause quite the chaos in the psyche. For specific reasons that have been written about before and won’t be repeated now, it’s been intimidating to the point I’ve wondered if I’ll ever have then gumption to deal with it. I’ve feared it was going to drive my subconscious to varying degrees in rejecting certain situations and good men for my whole life. 

I’ve been (impatiently!) waiting to find the right therapist to help pull it from the depths of it’s self protective hiding place and help heal it once and for all.

Hallelujah, I’m pretty sure I’ve found that person. 

The coach I’ve been working with through CWG actually heard what I was saying when talking about it and replied: “This memory is the basis of the fears that’s causing  you to continue to push good dreams and men away. When we heal it, you’re going to be freed to live and love in joy and to soar like I know God is leading you to do.”

(Please God?)

This is all stuff I’ve been believing for yet simultaneously doubting I’m capable of doing because this process has been going on for so long and is so confusing at times. Even when good friends have said they know I’ve got a lot to accomplish and will make a difference, the internal reaction has become, ‘Really? WHEN?’.

Now, I’m starting to see what they do and am claiming it in a more “I AM worthy and capable” sort of way. The debilitating heart and psychological weight of all the trauma is being lifted with each memory being cured so there’s increasing room for the lightness of hope and faith to take its place. 

Thank You, God! AND my coach!  (And Pearl for not giving up!)

Speaking of not giving up, our group has been planning a pretty decent sized event for a few months now. It’s one of those dreams that had been incubating in my heart for so long I had kinda given up on it. 

But it’s actually coming up in a couple of days! 

I’d been getting so a-twitter about it with the usual snags, some that are major, that hit just before any shindig. But thanks be to God (literally), He helped me to remember the amazing group of ‘gems’ of people that are supporting and helping put this together. 

Because of the abandonment issues and past experiences, I’ve been expecting the other people working on this to fade away one by one when the going got rough and I wasn’t perfect to their exact specifications – yet they haven’t done that! I think everyone that started with this group a couple of years ago are still part of it to one degree or another, and we’ve added several more along the way! And they’re all still here!! 

These Gems are helping to heal the abandonment and rejection issues significantly, one day and event at a time – so very grateful to them!

We’ll see what happens over the next few days; I pray we’re all still standing in unity when it’s all said and done no matter how the event turns out.

With the work I’m doing to heal, I’m also learning to remember, consistently, God’s never left me, either, EVER! He’s always been with me and forever will be, even at the event. I don’t have to be mentally (or physically!) hyperventilating because He’s got my best interests at heart and I  can allow myself to trust Him like He deserves. I KNOW He’s gotten me through everything else, He’ll get us through this event, too. 

Actually getting to the point I’m looking forward to this day; that’s a first! There are even times I’m enjoying being so busy with this and other things I/we’re working on. It’s been a looooong time since I felt this alive (if ever) and the first time I’ve been fairly consistent in keeping faith in all those dreams and promises God’s been whispering into my heart all these years.

It’s amazing how going from dreading everything because I (we?) don’t think we’re worthy or capable, to having faith in an almighty and loving God, and in ourselves knowing what we can’t do, He will through us if we let Him, can change a person’s perspective. 

It’s making all the difference.

(It’s about time and Hallelujah! :))

Thank You Heavenly Abba (and the people who haven’t given up on me, including me!). 

Amen! 

Love this song, “Take It All Back” by Tauren Wells. I’m feeling like it’s what God and the people who are in my life are helping me do, now. (Finally!!! :))