Learning to Attach

11/25/22

Happy Day to You, Halo-ed One,

How’re you doing this week?  

Are there healthy relationships you’re thankful for? If so, what do you think is the most important element for a mutually beneficial and caring connection? 

I’d really like your input on that, to round out what I’m learning.  And that is, first and foremost God is at the heart of it (for me; the other person may not may have the same theology), love is present even if only in seed form to begin with, and respect – and that’s a recent development. I used to think respect was a joke and completely unnecessary, but now I know it’s a natural byproduct of real love.  (Shedding a couple tears about that revelation – I never believed I’d be worthy of respect, let alone expect it.)

While talking with my therapist last week she thought it would be a good idea to write about ‘attachment disorder’. I’ve written about it in bits and pieces and don’t know if I’ve ever labeled what it was.  

Before I get into it though, I want to mention (mostly as a reminder to keep myself from being completely sucked back into it while writing about it), that while I’m still a work in progress, my love (a typo I’m gonna leave; was supposed to have been ‘life’) has gotten so much better and my ability to love and be loved is healing so remarkably, thank God.

There are different types of attachment dysfunction and they can effect others differently. I’m not an expert so not going to get into the technicalities of it, just write what I know personally.

For me, the disorder was created in childhood by continuing to trust the people I loved and who should have protected me, in spite of their repeated betrayals.  

(That’s not unusual by the way, for a child to keep trusting in the very people that are treating them horribly, especially if it’s family. If a child could fully comprehend what was happening to their self by the people they love and are completely dependent upon, then there’d be a hell (literally) of a lot of young children committing suicide; denial is the only way to cope, and it becomes an ingrained behavior that becomes detrimental in later years.)

Surviving the child sexual abuse, trafficking and pornography, and not having a ‘safe’ adult in my younger childhood who understood (with empathy) what was going on, there was no one to offset all the negative stuff that was being done and said to me.  

I ended up believing abuse was all my fault, all I deserve, the only type of ‘love’ I should ever know, and relationships are pain filled and should be avoided. So, in high school I pushed away all the friends who truly did care because I didn’t think I deserved their kindness.  It wasn’t that I was aware of ‘why’ I was doing it; it was more because I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the love and respect they offered.

That mentality was maintained throughout my younger adult life and marriage. 

(The marriage was written about in the post “Detours On The Way to Self Awareness” dated 7/13/21.)

A few years after the divorce, hope, which I initially thought of as a bad thing, took root anyway and slowly grows.

This, combined with what the subconscious was convinced of (which is, I’m unworthy and incapable), created a way of interacting with others that one therapist described as ‘reveal and conceal’.  If I believe someone is trustworthy then I might reveal something about myself, but then the subconscious would feel threatened by the vulnerability that was just exposed.  To protect itself it convinces me the other person must be a threat and/or angry with me, or barely tolerant and can’t possibly care like I’d hoped, by reminding me of various betrayals from the past that it believes are being repeated in the now (called ‘projection’). So I’d end up either pushing the other person away with bitchiness, or walking away from them, before they could abandon me or take horrible advantage of my trust. 

Now that I’m more aware of how this b.s. plays out  in my mind, if I walk away I’ll take the time to figure out if whatever negative signals my psyche comes up with are based in fact or a dysfunctional subconscious reaction.  

If I can’t figure that out and if the other person is amenable to it, I’ll contact them to ask for clarity; four out of five times they have no idea why I’d think there’s a problem.  I recently did this with ‘E’, and just her happy reaction when she answered the phone settled the dilemma. Meanwhile, I had spent a week or so beforehand with my knickers in a twist, wasting time & energy by imagining I’d ticked her off and wondering if I was supposed to apologize to her or her to me.

With ‘GG’,  I don’t have a good way to contact him to verify if he’s reaching out so I keep looking for him, searching for validation he is.  Since the issue didn’t get resolved in a tangible way, when I see him the next time the whole blasted internal argument would kick in again with hope on one side and the other reiterating: “Don’t be stupid, you can’t tell if that person’s really him,” and/or, “even if it is him, no way he’d care for you like you’re probably only imagining right now”.  So it’s taking a bit longer for my heart to understand, but it’s growing steadier in faith now, hallelujah!

And the whole time stuff like this is being played out in my mind, my heart’s crying out: “Please don’t give up on me!”.

Another example of how attachment issues effected my life is when I met this lady, ‘J’, while walking. She said she could sense I was a good person and offered a job for occasional dog sitting; it was a  no-brainer since I love dogs and have cared for others’ pets before. 

J always treated (and paid) me well, and made many overtures of friendship.  Even though I knew she and her husband were decent people, I couldn’t reciprocate due to feeling so uncomfortable with their respect.

Two Christmases ago she gave me a gorgeous quilt she’d made, when it hadn’t occurred to me to get her anything because I didn’t imagine that she valued our relationship to the degree that we’d exchange gifts. I felt so ashamed afterward because I couldn’t even think of what I could give that would hold any value for her.

Due to other accumulating commitments, not long after that I quit dog sitting for J. That beautiful quilt remained in its box until about six months ago, when I finally decided I was worthy of it. 

Crying so hard while writing this because I see the hurt I’ve caused others who may have genuinely cared over the years, and also for the lost opportunities of living and loving well.  What’s amazing though, is what’s blossoming in spite of that – gratitude to God for the significant progress towards healing and changing, and grace that’s so forgiving. 

I have so much compassion for others now but it hasn’t always been the case. In the past, anything a person did that didn’t align with my expectation would be the excuse I needed to walk away. I’m not such a flight risk anymore and am willing to work things out with others now.  

Sometimes people think I must be angry with them when I’m truly not. Trust me, I get the whole ‘imperfect human’ reality, so as long as an action isn’t abusive, I really don’t judge or hold a grudge (for long, anyway), especially if they own it. I’m so willing to work with others, as I can, if they’re sincere in wanting to do the same, even if it’s via messages in some form instead of face to face (or, vocal to vocal :)).  (Those scenarios can be intimidating for some, including me sometimes.)  I might either shut down or get defensive and need a little time between responses to come up with a thoughtful reply instead of a subconscious ‘disordered’ reaction, but I’m willing to try.  

I can’t work out my relational issues in a vacuum so I’ll keep reaching out even though I might not be as ready as I’d hoped, and continue trying ’til I get it right. It’s ok if that’s how the other person approaches the situation, too. 

As mentioned earlier, so much progress is being made in healing this, and I know the best is yet to come, SOON!  Hallelujah!

For many years I had an avoidant relationship with love songs, too. Before marriage I liked them to some degree; post divorce I figured there was no way I could ever experience anything like that so they were just depressing.

Lately they’ve been growing on me; maybe it’s ‘cuz I’m starting to believe I AM worthy and capable, as are you if you need the reminder!

Here’s a tune that so perfectly describes that struggle between a mind that is determined to protect the heart be denying love, while the heart’s winning by realizing, “Isn’t it Time”?  By John Waite.  

Thank you Christine Dobis, for posting this video to youtube.