1/6/24
Aloha Mortal Angel (and Immortal Angels if they read these kinda things :))
How have you celebrated these last couple of weeks? If it was hard were you able to at least acknowledge the possibilities of the next year? Or even just the next day, or hour?
I’m amazed at how differently life can look in a matter of moments.
It can be so hopeful and then go dim for myriads of reasons so quickly, or even a slow descent over time, perhaps without even realizing it.
And it can go up, too in all the same ways.
Because of being a survivor of so much – sexual abuse beginning while still in diapers which continued for most of childhood with sex trafficking added in for several years from about the age of 3 or 4, and an abusive marriage later on, I’ve been on quite the extensive healing journey.
There are still a few emotional & memory type of ‘land mines’, shall we say, that are to be discovered and/or triggered
And for me, those bombs are more easily tripped over and detonated around holidays because those seasons were some of the more actively abusive times ‘back when’.
Did you know it’s not just the mind and heart/soul/emotions that hold memories? So does the body. Everything that happens to a person is stored on a cellular level so even if we don’t consciously remember an event, our bodies do.
For example:
Several years ago a red, itchy rash started on my neck. I figured it was an allergic reaction to something so treated it as such. But no matter what I did it kept getting worse and after a couple of weeks it was completely encircling my neck, and from the chin and nape down to the collar bones. It was increasingly red, the welts kept getting larger, and the burning and itching intensified daily.
It finally occurred to me; at an earlier time in life and for reasons I won’t get into now, I had suspected strangulation had been part of the abuse in childhood. What was happening several years ago felt like the prickliness of a baling twine tightly wrapped around the neck.
So I asked out loud, talking to my own skeleton: “Is this a body memory?”
Within 36 hours the rash was completely gone.
I started asking that question whenever I felt phantom pain after that, with quickly healing results. I can usually figure out how the pain was caused, but not necessarily the scenario surrounding it.
A couple weeks ago the rash started emerging again and within a few minutes thought to ask the same question. The welts and burning sensation went away almost immediately.
There’s also been a couple of quick flashbacks, and ‘emotional memories’ are emerging. (which is when a person feels the abandonment, betrayal, horror, shame, terror, etc., of a past traumatic incident but no visual memory that shows what happened, accompanies it.)
The intensity of those feelings are catching me off guard and are expressing how deep the pain of what was survived so long ago went. It makes me wonder how some children survive at the abusive hands of the people they love and are supposed to be able to trust. I think the fact that we do is a testament to a loving God who gives us His strength and HIs own version of protection to do that.
The emotionality comes with the confusion of the mental capacity or a five or eight year old (whatever age(s) the trauma happened) who knows I have no recourse and no one to say what’s happening to me is wrong and not my fault, as well as the knowledge that no one loves me enough to try to help.
Part(s) of my adult brain get stuck in that vortex which causes me to be suspicious of everyone, and more hyper aware of my surroundings. The healing adult part of the mind is just trying to keep some sort of equilibrium and perspective with not much success at times.
I also try to remember to pray more and eat lessto ‘manage’ it all in a more healthful way but I’m not always perfect at that either, to be honest.
A couple of nights ago the emotional pain got so intense I hopped into the car in the middle of the night to drive around for a while to practice ‘scream therapy’ in order to help release some of the pent up pain. Was able to shed a few tears, too. It helped to relieve some of the internal pressure for a while.
It gets so exhausting trying to keep a lid on the emotions when I’m around people and trying to determine if how I’m reacting to what they’re saying or doing is coming from a hurting, angry, shame based child’s mindset or an adult’s more intuitive/aware perspective.
I also frequently can’t focus long enough to finish a lot of what I start, or understand all that others are saying around and to me. So I’ll ask even more questions than usual, or take notes, because I’m trying to discern what is really being said as opposed to what my mind might be misinterpreting, and knowing I’ll need help afterwards to remember what was said and meant. All those questions and notes, of course, can offend some people who may perceive it all as a doubt of their integrity or abilities.
(And some people just can’t figure out why I’ve had a hard time forgiving those who did what they did to me, and they who protected them instead of me.)
I end up apologizing to the world for what other people did to me because even though I have an imperfectly good heart and mind, and have integrity, I still have issues I’m persistently working on healing and don’t act ‘normal’ by other people’s standards consistently enough.
And yeah, that never gets old.
That’s why I’ll openly admit my brain doesn’t work like most people’s, and I’m one of the least perfect people you’ll ever meet.
It’s during these seasons of growth that I understand why people do drugs and I’m tempted to join that club. I so just wanna quit trying to engage in life and instead barricade myself in my abode and tell the rest of the world to f*ck off. (Or, you know, something that sounds a little more Christian. ;))
Then there’s New Year’s Eve. Kinda sucks to see what appears to be the rest of the world celebrating, but I won’t just ‘hook up’ with someone to celebrate with. So instead I stay in, eating my heart out (literally and figuratively) knowing that a great guy I’d’ve liked to have been able to spend time with is probably celebrating with someone a whole lot easier – in so many different ways – than I’ll ever be. (UGH!)
(Yeah, goood times indeed!:))
But truly, I do know (when not fully immersed in a pity party) that this is season of healing. It could be I’m integrating more of the faction of my psyche I refer to as ‘Little Pearl in the Dark’.
She’s the part that survived hell beginning at such an early age and splintered off to keep her memories separate from the rest of the self so I could survive, until I’m capable of remembering and healing more of what she experienced.
It may not sound like it, but I really am handling this stuff better than in the past. I’m not (literally) barricading the doors to the house, not isolating and am instead trying to maintain commitments and friendships (even though the world might appreciate it if I didn’t go out and share the charm of ‘Pearl in transformation’), not self harming, and not entertaining the suicide fantasies,
(Thank You God for the e.m.t. I knew a few years ago who mentioned the runs he’d gone on when an attempt at suicide wasn’t successful. The person would’ve ‘just’ blown half their face off, or ‘only’ broke their back or neck in an attempted jump or intentional car accident, or ended up with brain damage due to an overdose going awry. THAT put a swift and permanent end to any suicidal ideation!)
There’s even been times these last few weeks when I’ve actually had fun with other people, and have been able to reach out to friends who are dealing with their own issues. Can still appreciate the beauty of nature, people who do genuinely care about others, and the friends who’ve reassured me of my own value when I can’t remember.
Allowing myself to notice (and claim!) the good can bring such relief in the confusion. It brings the reminder that ‘issues’ are being healed (if not comfortably!), and hope that because I have faith in a God who is ‘omni-everything, especially love’, anything amazing can (has!) and will happen in His perfect timing.
Peace and even joy can be mine as I learn to place more trust in my own ability to handle all that comes up, no matter how painful or difficult, because I’ll remember to ask Jesus to provide my strength and encouragement (often through others) when I’m too weak to do it all myself.
And it’s all there for you too, if you could ever use it. There’s more than enough of the good stuff to go around for every one of us!
I read a ‘journaling with Jesus’ entry from almost a year ago and it was so similar to what I journaled about recently.
It depressed me initially because I’m still asking for the same things, but the voice of Spirit whispered something into my heart that may help you if you’re on a healing journey too, and need some hope:
“Precious, beloved child of God, keep your eyes on Me even when you are ‘in the wilderness’ and have no idea where I’m leading you, doubt that you have made any progress, and can’t decide if you should keep going. Think about this: You are still praying for similar things –
(Ability to love, and allow myself to be loved, well; live life in joy and peace; wisdom to know what to do and who to do it all with; and courage to face whatever comes up about the past in order to heal it so I can do all the other things better.)
– because they are still important to you. The consistency of praying for the same petitions over time shows persistence and your willingness to keep climbing higher on this healing journey in spite of how long it’s taking and how difficult the trek is at times. Focus on the progress you’ve made in all the areas of life (and heart) and quit thinking you have to be completely healed and perfect before you can claim the value of what you’ve already accomplished, and more importantly, the priceless value of who you are.”
Let’s be mortal angels and keep reminding each other of that, ok?
I’ve used “Rattle” by Elevation Worship before, and still love and appreciate it’s message (and music! :)) It reminds us that no matter how dead we think our hopes, heart, and/or purpose for living is, or ineffectual we perceive ourselves, God will provide all we need and redeems us greatly and in wonderful ways we couldn’t imagine if we ask Him to, imperfectly do our part as He guides us, and we LET HIM do His part in His perfect ways and timing. Amen.
