9/3/22
(‘Splinters’ are explained under the ‘Cast of Characters’ Tab on the homepage.)
Hello Angel!
Just realized while typing that greeting, we all have the potential to be an imperfect, mortal angel for at least one other person in our lifetime – what do you think about that? Can you think of someone who was that for you at some point in your life, perhaps even currently? And when you were an angel for another? (I know you have been, many, many times, I’m sure!)
Have been so busy lately! Amongst other things, I’ll be giving a talk at a Sex Trafficking Awareness Event at Lakeshore Presbyterian Church in Fort Gratiot, Michigan. It’s going to be on September 10, 2022 from 1:00 – 4:30. There’ll be a state police detective who’s an expert on the subject; Kaitlin, a friend, will give a brief speech about WAR (Women At Risk) International, a nonprofit where one of their objectives is to rescue people from trafficking; and there’ll be a WAR pop-up boutique with beautiful, quality, hand made items by survivors to sell. There’s also a self-defense demonstration, and I’ll be giving a couple 10-15 minute talks (instead of one long). The first will be an abbreviated testimony, the other about predatory groomers (provided I get them written, that is.) (Choke.)
Was hoping to have at least one acoustic song performed live. You know how much I love music and I really wanted something played before &/or after my first talk. Thought it would be easy to get someone to bring a guitar and get paid $75 +/- for about 30 minutes of their time (I’d want them to set up before the talk), plus the time it would take to learn the tune, but it isn’t. Contacted my favorite local band but GG’ll be busy, and the references received from J, and others, have not panned out. Gonna keep trying, though, provided there’s time.
The anxiety for doing this event has me literally shaking at times – sooooo glad for the friends who are praying for this day. Can only imagine where my mind would be without those prayers!
It’s funny, the brain’s been so preoccupied with everything I’m trying to accomplish and process right now that I’ve done a couple of pret-ty strange things. One was: The other day I had just gotten dressed (or so I thought!) and when leaving the room felt a breeze on my legs – I’d forgotten to put bottoms on! (And here I thought stuff like that only happened in comedies and nightmares! :)) Thank God for ceiling fans!
Found out my dog needs (definitely an angel!) an operation, and I get to figure to how to pay for it.
Dorothy, a good friend, is in hospice and when I visited her a couple days ago, well, let’s just say she’s near her end.
She can no longer talk so there was no response when I told her to come visit when she can. 🙂 Of course, I meant in an angelic sort of way after she makes her transition. After leaving, while overthinking about what I said I thought, still hope she does visit but can imagine what type of reaction there’d be if she did? The neighbors would probably hear my screech and perhaps there’d be a need to change the underwear! (With any luck it’ll be a day I forget to put pants on so it’ll be easier to clean up. Fingers crossed!)
I love you, Dorothy.
‘Got’ to deal with a major trigger last weekend when I went to see my favorite local band play an outdoor show.
A friend was going to be there but she ended up cancelling (for good reason) so I went alone.
There was a group of special needs adults with their caretaker there. One of the special men is a relative of a friend so I ensconced myself with their group. (Have always thought of special needs people as angels because of their guilelessness.)
We were all having a great time talking and loving on the music together.
I’ve seen the band a few times, always thought they were a great group of men (and musicians). And for reasons I’ve explained in earlier posts, thought of one of the guys who I got to know a little several years ago, ‘GG’, as ‘safe’, and so by extension, the others. And, not because they ever asked for it, but I kind of think of GG, and therefore them, as potential angels; people who would have my (or anyone else’s) back if there was a problem.
One of the band’s most popular songs is one of my biggest triggers. There was a time in life when I liked the tune as much as anyone else but since the beginning of this healing journey the song has been causing increasingly intense reactions. When I asked my therapist, C, why, she essentially said as I get closer to the previously buried feelings of terror and intimidation from the abuses of childhood and marriage, the trigger will increase until I’m healed (which *!#! better be SOON!!! ) (Ahem).
When the song comes up again, I’m to try to get the ‘executive’ splinter/me to step in and do a reality check based on the present moment, before the trigger takes over. To remind myself that what I’m reacting to is in the past and no longer a threat.
Just looked up what the song means. For good reason, I thought it’s a misogynistic and sadistic song about torturing a woman because she had the audacity to leave the writer (to which I’d think, “Nothing like proving her point, a**hole). But the writer claims it’s about how the powers that be in the music biz weren’t giving him a chance and he was determined to do whatever it took to succeed.
Hmmm, maybe that’ll help to ease the reaction when I hear it? We’ll see. Can’t decide if it would be a good thing to listen to the tune repeatedly to become inured to it, or if it would drive the trigger deeper.
To be clear, I do not blame the band for what happened. They have an audience to play to, not a healing adult to cater to. And in retrospect, (this could be wishful thinking), but there may have been a warning before the song came up but I was too busy admiring the guitarist to comprehend what he may have been gesturing about. (Thank You if you did try; much appreciated!)
So, as the opening guitar licks were played an emotional bomb went off in the gut. But what was different this time was, I could actually feel it, while hearing an internal dialogue. One side was strongly insisting I had to escape, and the other, quieter voice was saying I might be able handle it if I stayed. Unfortunately, fear won out (but maybe not next time).
And judging by how long it took to get over all it brought up (a couple of days for the more intense emotions to subside) it was probably a good thing to have left. (Maybe, but I can’t go back and change it, so, I’ll learn from it . . .)
So much crap came up – stuff the ex said and did in certain circumstances, and my brain was equating what had happened ‘back when’ to the present moment. A couple of the thoughts were: Because I had been talking with the special needs men the song was played to hurt me, just like the ex did when he tortured my pet rabbit, whom I had named after my favorite and mentally challenged relative (one of my most beloved angels). Another thought was, ‘maybe if I’d’ve let him know I had to leave for a few minutes to go pee, then he wouldn’t have had to had to put me in my place’.
The ‘splinters’ in my mind each had their own interpretation of what happened, too. ‘Michael’, the angry one, thought the band played the song to intentionally cause great pain. I think is was Grace, the sullen, defeated, teenager who’s convinced of her own worthlessness was essentially saying, “Why wouldn’t they? How could I ever have hoped for anything different (idiot!). They did it to get me to quit pestering them once and for all.” Young, hopeful Little Pearl (L.P.) ‘in The Light’ was saying, ‘NO!, they’re good people – they’d rescue me if they could.’, while L. P. In The Dark insisted they were mean people who wanted to hurt me as bad as possible, ‘like all the others’.
And to be honest, executive Pearl is not really sure what the truth is. I’m learning to not immediately assume that any individual ‘splinter’ necessarily has the full truth, and that for years I’ve missed some amazing opportunities because I would usually jump to the worst possible conclusion in any situation and deem it true, without considering facts or other possibilities. And there have been other times when I just listened to L.P. in the Light, and believed in or stayed too long in situations because I wasn’t ‘getting’ that just because I still cared about another – whether family, friend or acquaintance – didn’t mean the other still (or ever) cared about me. This is why I rarely make decisions ‘on the fly’, and I ask people to give me a heads up if they want to visit or meet; gives the brain time to evaluate, prepare, and come into the present moment to see what is, not colored by what was. And it’s also why I have to ask a lot of questions, so the others involved in any situation can help me to better understand what their truth is. And Lord knows, I can barely read my own mind; trying to discern another’s without their input is a bit too confusing for me to assume I know what their intention is.
But I’ll never regret caring, either way.
The song is by Mercy Me. Saw this video for the first time several days ago. I don’t know if you remember the movie, “I Can Only Imagine”, but it was about Bart Millard, the speaker. Anyway, love his oh-so-honest words at the beginning of this video, and the song, “Even If”, too. Can so identify with it. (Scott Allen Productions)
