2/1/23
(Picture courtesy of Suzanne D. Williams on Unsplash)
(For an explanation of ‘splinter’, please refer to the Cast of Characters tab on the home page.)
Hi Blessing-of-a-Being!
How is your day going?
Do you ever feel unsettled in some area of your life but don’t know why, or what to do about it?
I’ve been going through quite a season of change; it’s kinda uncomfortable at times, for sure, and I know this is what I’ve been waiting for and working towards for years. But first, want to clarify what could have been misunderstood in the last post.
I wrote, “Sometimes I wish someone is rightHERE . . .” Didn’t mean to imply that no-one cares, etc; it’s more about either not allowing someone close due to still healing defensive reactions, and/or just not knowing how or who to reach out to for various (probably mostly self-inflicted) reasons.
Now on to this weeks topic . . .
I do believe fractured pieces of my mind are coming together, thank GOD! Pray to keep doing what I have been recently, and be receptive to whatever else is happening to continue this process to completion. It’s so overwhelming at times, and I can get so confused at odd moments, which could be due to different identities merging, I guess.
It’s funny (or not), that the last post was about ‘hope’; I’ve needed that reminder this week when that ‘feminine’ part of me written about a couple of weeks ago (“Accepting Femininity” dated 1/18/23) showed up as a ‘splinter’, ‘Gloria’, I hadn’t realized was there.
She’s reminding me of some of the things that were said by the ex that were intended to make me feel ugly and worthless, and the feelings that were never previously felt associated with those humiliations. She’s also been the secret keeper for some of what happened during the child sex trafficking and those emotions, too.
Handling this so much better than in the past, and I think that has everything to do with some ‘two-way’ journaling I did for an on-line class on spirituality before this came up.
The journaling is where a person learns how to connect with God through their writing. In one of the last sessions, the ‘splinter’ mentioned above revealed herself and that her name was ‘Gloria’. While writing and realizing who she was/what she represented/what her job was, it seemed that somewhere in my spirit, in my heart, that still small voice of God told me it was time to change her name to ‘Glory’.
I knew that was His way of saying it’s time to receive, heal and celebrate this aspect of myself, and that was definitely a beautiful promise for me; it just didn’t occur to me what was going to happen in order to hear, acknowledge and integrate Glory. (So geeked to be healing this!)
I’ll be honest with you (as always), sometimes I’m amazed that I survived all of it, and that I chose to live all those times when I really, really, really didn’t want to. So glad I chose life.
Hope. Doesn’t seem like it at times, but it really is a good thing.
And I pray to God, my story gives someone else the hope they need to grasp for when they start getting too close to making a decision they can never recover from.
When I was talking to my therapist earlier in the week about the integration of the alter i.d.(s) that has begun, she asked me to consider what life could be like when my psyche is of one mind and the constant disagreement between the different factions would be mostly healed. All I can say right now is, ‘Wow!’ It will be so wonder-full to be able to make a decision and stick with it instead of constantly changing my feelings and fears about individuals and life depending on which identity is at the forefront, to be able to sleep for longer periods of time . . . the possibilities are numerous, precious and becoming more realistic.
Hallelujah!
Been pretty busy processing and working on this mental/emotional healing, amongst other things, so this week I’m posting something I wrote for a group of people called the GLPers. A few of us write and submit prayers on a monthly basis, and they’re sorted and sent out to everyone on a daily basis.
Here’s one of my recent contributions . . .
Have you ever needed to create a new beginning but you didn’t see all the red flags, or couldn’t discern the voice of God, or just had a distrust of your own ability to KNOW what is of God, so you weren’t moving on?
A couple years ago I was talking to a therapist about several friends I had concerns about and she said: “Maybe they’re not who you think they are; maybe you need to let them go to make room for people who are better suited for where you’re going?”
I told her I couldn’t imagine having better friends, which was true, and it kinda ticked her off. Then I dismissed it without forgetting it.
One of those ‘friends’ and I have similar life purposes but different aspects we are each called to do. While I was doing whatever I could to help her, she wouldn’t help with mine because it ‘wasn’t as godly as hers’.
It poked the ego but I understood she had to do what was right for her, and continued to voluntarily help with her mission.
Then came the day she decided that what I was doing for her wasn’t generous enough so she quickly found reasons why I was a detriment to her organization, and gave vague reasons to others as to why I was suddenly unwelcome to be in their midst. The conclusions some people came to as to what happened bugged me but instead of getting into a she said/she said war of words, I’d just reply, “No, that wasn’t it” and drop it. Told one person, “She’s got her perspective and I have mine, and somewhere in the middle is the (God’s) truth.” Lord knows, I wasn’t a saint, either.
While the fallout hurt to some degree (it was more of a blow to the ego), there was actually a larger sense of relief. And, it showed me how much I’ve grown up with the way I handled it.
Asked God what I could learn from this and part of ‘God’s truth’ is, it’s time to work on His purpose for me but I wasn’t doing that due to believing I needed ex-friend to help with it. God did what He had to in order to push me out of someone else’s nest so I could fly for Him.
Was also convicted because I had made the former friend greater than God by looking to her to provide what only God would.
Since the split, God has blessed me with a wonderful group of supportive women who have already helped to get the second stage of our ministry off the ground, and we’re organizing Sex Trafficking Awareness Events in and around surrounding areas. He’s also opened the door to give talks and raise awareness for an international non-profit, W.A.R. (Women at Risk). These things never would have happened had I stayed where I was.
Sometimes, we can hold onto something that isn’t really working because we can’t imagine how Omni-everything God can do what we can’t. I’m prone to overthinking the snot out of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G in order to figure out HOW something’s going to happen (and I’m almost always wrong), never imagining (or having much faith in) God’s much higher ways and purposes.
A recent fb post had a picture of a mustard seed resting on the tip of a finger and the caption read: “Step back! I have a mustard seed and I’m not afraid to use it.” 🙂
Thank God, He never gives up on us while I’m (we’re?) dithering and growing the seed of our faith!
Dear All Omni (including love!) Abba,
THANK YOU that You are so patient with us as we figure things out, and then push us when YOU know we’re ready. Thank You that when we mess up, or take too long, You will always return us to our path and lead us to the right people at the perfect time.
Thank You that every aspect of what we go through (including mistakes) can be a stepping stone to Your greater purpose if we ask, “What can I learn from this, God?”
And thank you for always reminding us in some way that if You put something (or someone) in our hearts, they’re there for a reason. You will patiently and lovingly (with perhaps a few ego-owies along the way :)) reveal the reason and next steps as needed.
In Jesus name, AMEN!
Today’s video is the fun “Shake” by MercyMe. Especially love, “My name’s not shamed . . .” Hallelujah!
