8/26/22
(Beautiful picture courtesy of Göran Eidens and Unsplash)
Good day Good Person!
How are you doing?
What’s something you did over these last few days that you’re glad you put the effort into? Care to share it in the comment section after the end of this post, and maybe add why?
(Kinda wish I’d have thought of the question before I asked you so I’d have a ready answer! :))
Been pretty busy this past week so trying to wade through all that to see what I did just ‘cuz I wanted to . . .
What came to mind first is taking part in the domestic violence (d.v.) support group even though it’s been years since I left an abusive marriage; it’s surprising how much this is needed. For as long as I’ve been on this healing journey I’ve been focused on working thorough the hells of childhood, believing that since that was the reason for the self loathing which caused the belief I deserved the ex, that was all that needed fixing.
Hah!
‘L’, the group facilitator, moved the time of the meeting hoping to get more women to join since there had only been the two of us for the first several weeks. It worked! There are now five ladies involved.
To be pathetically honest I was initially apprehensive about new women joining because I’d become used to just the two of us and was concerned new members would be uncomfortable for me. So glad the new ladies are a part of this now – hopeful to contribute to their healing journey.
Speaking for just myself here, it’s kinda hard to learn to trust the others since one of the biggest fall outs of an abusive relationship is losing faith in people, and especially the self’s capacity to discern another’s intentions. So, as I’m accessing the fear based feelings that the marriage intensified, including the exponentially growing mistrust that began with being sex trafficked as a child, (written about in some of the early posts from mid October – mid November, 2020) and then putting my faith in the ex (who never deserved it), I’m also simultaneously learning to trust the other participants. It’s quite the dynamic to be working through, for sure.
And not exactly a simple process.
Because of the inability to feel most of my emotions during the relationship with the ex (for self preservation sake, the subconscious shut them down early in life) I hadn’t felt the actual fear that living with him produced. Apparently, all of that has been tamped down in the psyche, waiting for the ability to accept and deal with it safely. Was clueless all that was still in here! Have been acting it out in real life by pushing away the decent man, GG, who somehow managed to get into my heart, but I thought that was due to the childhood issues.
You know, over the course of this healing journey I’ve heard (too many times now!) the analogy of how healing the heart and psyche is like peeling an onion – you have to peel away the stinky stuff in ever deepening layers.
(And if one more person reminds me of this, I’m gonna slap ‘em!) (Just kidding.) (Sort of.)
I’d honestly thought I HAD gotten to the core of the previously buried emotions because I couldn’t imagine being able to feel on a deeper level, yet here I am – sensing fear especially, like I never have before. It’s actually causing a physical reaction in the solar plexus region. There’s an increasing pressure in that area when I remember the marriage, and also at other times like when thinking about the possibility of a romantic relationship now, or when the plumber (who I’d only met once before when he assessed the job) was at the house doing extensive work earlier in the week. So thankful for the friend who offered to be here when he first arrived and stayed until I (SAID I) was feeling ok with just him and I here. When she got up to leave there was a gut punch of fear; knew it was something I had to work through though, and not her responsibility to alleviate it for me.
Even though I knew the plumber wasn’t truly a threat, I was still so relieved when he walked out the door for the last time! (Sorry, dude! Don’t take it personally, ok?)
What’s funny is (or not!) a couple of weeks ago I listened to part of a talk by Peter A. Levine (an expert on healing childhood trauma). He mentioned that survivors of child sexual abuse frequently end up with a posture similar to mine. I’ll describe it as, kind of bent forward, with shoulder’s rounded a bit, apparently trying to protect the heart (from outside evil forces, essentially). Never realized this physical stance actually had a (dysfunctional) psychological purpose. I’m believing that dealing with the fear that this posture was holding and simultaneously trying to protect me from, as well as going to the gym to help build up core strength (until I had to give it a rest due to back pain, which is nearly gone due to a miracle working chiropractor – Hallelujah!) that my posture is being healed, too.
Facing the depth of, and conquering the fear from the past is certainly not a fun and easy ‘row to hoe’, but I’m so grateful to be doing it. (And so grateful for the friends I can fun with while working through it all!) The depth of these feelings, though soooo uncomfortable to experience initially, is showing me how much deeper I’ll have the capacity to love others. I’m so looking forward to putting that into action!
Feeling the intensity of the fear is also teaching me how amazing the women in the d.v. support group are (and you, too, if you’re surviving, or survived, abuse). To have lived with that fear for as long as they have, sometimes still having the heart to love their significant others ‘one more time’ when the other convinced them they’d change, and/or the strength of surviving until they had a safe ‘out’ from their relationships, and then the courage to get out when the threats are all too real. And every one of them also kept their faith in a God they knew would eventually get them out of their situations.
Wow. Can only pray that someday all survivors see themselves the way God (and I) do. Amen!!!
Earlier in the week I heard a song I hadn’t in decades, “When I’m With You” by Sheriff. Now I’ve heard it on the radio twice, and I cried both times (and again now, while trying to find a good video of it)! Was initially wondering how it could be worked into a post since I had no idea what I would write about until 4:00 a.m. this morning. Realized it could be the perfect tune,’cept I couldn’t find a live version that would be compatible with this computer. So, in lieu of that one, I’m going with Chicago’s “Just You and Me”. Thank you to ‘saskatchawan’ for putting it on youtube!
I chose these songs because I pray all survivors of all types of abuses realize they’re worthy of, will wait for, and can allow, a love like this into each of our lives (if that’s what they want!:)) and never settle for subpar again.
