Paths to Healing

3/24/23

Good Day, I’m-Grateful-You’re-Here Person,

How is your week going? 

Have you tried anything ‘new to you’ recently? If so, how did it go?

If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time then you know that I’m committed to doing what it takes, including trying various types of therapies, to heal the Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). That, and the Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) were created with the traumas of childhood. (Some of which were being sexually abused while still in diapers, then soon after being used in child sexually abusive material and essentially trafficked for several years by people I was supposed to have been able to trust, then used by members of ‘the next generation’ from about the age of 8, for a few more years, etc.)

The DID has been making the healing journey quite extensive and drawn out due to the nature of the aliment. Instead of being able to work intently on specific areas or memories of the abuse and even positive experiences in the now, when I’d start to feel the depth of pain, anger, confusion or love or whatever was bubbling up, my brain would become overwhelmed and ‘check out’. So I frequently wouldn’t be able to stay in the moment long enough to work through or accept whatever was going on, and that would keep protracting the healing process.

There have been times when healing was at hand and I believed (hoped) it would be complete but that had never been the case (AAARGH!!) It would end up being more like a few of the 5,000 pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of my mind came together and were perhaps put into place, but there were still many pieces waiting to be found, figured out, and put in order to complete the picture and make it whole. 

So anyway, a week or so ago I had an opportunity to work with someone who specializes in a ministry that heals people who have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I had heard about Bob Lucy from a reliable source and since there aren’t a whole lot of people who know how to work with survivors like me, I was hopeful and eager to work with him.

I’ll be honest (as usual), with the way the initial communications went I wasn’t impressed and was trying to figure out if working with him would be a God idea. (That was supposed to be ‘good’, but the ‘God’ typo works just as well :))

Due to already feeling uncomfortably vulnerable because of the preliminary paperwork where I’d described the abuses and how they effected me, and then the concerns with the communication issues, I was quite apprehensive when it came time for the phone appointment. It took awhile to figure out if he was safe and trustworthy and I wasn’t sure he’d have what it’d take to breach the self protective mental and emotional barriers.

Those defenses are probably why I didn’t get the immediate results he said others had, but since then there have been some positive changes to perspective.

For example, there are still aspects to what I experienced in childhood that I haven’t yet fully realized to what extent they effected me. I’d been in denial for so long and there’s much that is still being excavated as my heart and psyche are able to handle it.

Ever since the appointment a week or so ago, more of how I felt physically while the abuse was happening (and afterward) is coming up. There’ve been body memories like feeling the shortness of breath and pressure on my upper body as I was being restrained, and emotional recollections of the self-loathing that was intensified by the abandonment and rejection by others who knew what was going on and didn’t want to deal with it, and therefore, me.

While in prayer a day or two after the healing ministry session there was such a comforting image in my mind’s eye. 

I was maybe 3-4 years old, and had just been annihilated by someone (or several). Jesus was there and started moving towards me, s-l-o-w-l-y, understanding I was in too much pain and fear for Him to move quickly. He allowed me to acclimate to the love and compassion He is,  then tenderly picked me up, brought me close to His heart, and held me there. I started to relax into His gentleness and just sobbed on Him. He patiently held me and as I trusted Him more, I snuggled deeper into His arms and buried my face in His neck, then grabbed a hold of some of His hair and just kind of rubbed in between my finger and thumb, gaining more comfort from the softness.

And as I, at today’s age, was watching this scenario being played out in my mind, I began to get the impression that it actually did happen ‘back then’.  There may have been no mortal person to turn to who would save me from the abuse and/or be there afterward to comfort and tell me what was right about me, but maybe Jesus was.

While doing the prayer journaling another day there was a nudge to start imagining how much God loved me as a child. 

’Back then’, in spite of having some darn good friends I always felt everyone else wished I would have been flushed at birth. So by imagining Jesus actually happy to have me around and (innocently!) playing and laughing with child me, it’s counteracting how the mortals in my immediate realm treated me when no one important was looking. And each time I meditate on those beautiful images with Jesus my age is progressing so each year of my life is healing from that self-rejection. Hallelujah!

Now that I’ve lived long enough to begin to more clearly see the good and Heavenly aspect of this world and experience how deeply kindness and love can heal, life is becoming increasingly and wonderfully amazing, and so very much worth living. 

Sooo very grateful that for all the times suicide seemed the only solution, something caused me to ‘hang on’. 

And I ask the same of you, Good Person – if you ever feel as if life cannot possibly improve and darkness is all there’ll ever be, please, just hang on a little longer. Look for something positive to hope for, then take whatever (perhaps tiny) step you can towards it. There may or may not be an instantaneous healing and all will permanently be well, but things will start to change, and you will be so glad you chose life.  

And when you need someone to talk to but can’t think of ‘who’, there’s a list of various supportive help lines and their phone numbers on the home page of this blog; they’re underneath the links to the six latest posts.  Please don’t hesitate to use them – many people do care, but sometimes we have to reach out for them ‘one more time’.

And if you have it in you, help someone, even if it’s a smile for someone who looks lost. It took me years to realize that sometimes doing for another can do more for a soul (well, two souls) than anything else ever could.

Today’s song is “One More Light” by Linking Park. “Who cares if one more light goes out? Well, I do.”