Please Don’t Give Up! Part 3

11/9/21

(For an explanation of who LP and GG are, please use the ‘Cast of Characters’ tab on the home page.)

Aloha Be-loved!  

(Whenever one of my Soul Sisters sent a note she would always refer to me as Be-Loved because she knows I’m learning how to let love in.  I soooo appreciated being called that.  And for the record, I am making good progress towards letting it in and am getting better at giving it as well.  HOORAY!) 

If you struggle with any of this I pray you, too, are doing what it takes to be able to receive the good.  You’re worthy of the effort.)

So how has your week been?  How many lovely moments have you noticed?  

Thankfully, I’m getting better at seeing beauty in life more and more, even while beating back the doubts that seem to be increasingly determined up to keep me in my lowly place.   

But first, on to the continuation of last weeks post . . .

One of the ways I coped during the covid shut down was by frequently performing random acts of kindness.  One of those was taking flowers (via ‘porch drops’) to women who lived alone and couldn’t/wouldn’t leave their houses for health reasons.   Several times a week I’d also take some flowers or other inexpensive ‘pick-me-ups’ to the park before sunrise (so as to not be noticed) and leave them in various places for others to take.  I’d then do stair climbing exercising so no one could see how ‘lovely’ (ahem) I looked due to sweating profusely and facial blotching in varying shades of red and purple.  (Please don’t try to imagine THAT!!:))

I loved the peacefulness of the park and watching the sun rise while working out.  A lot of the other people there at that time are exercising, too, and we’re always so supportive of each other. 

Several weeks ago though, when I first arrived at the park there was a worker and another guy having a verbal altercation.  Of course my first instinct was to flee but didn’t (surprise! surprise!) for not wanting to leave the worker alone.  He could see me but the guy who was loudly calling him all sorts of four-letter words couldn’t.   I stayed still until the worker could move on, then went to a different area to climb steps and proceeded to warn off any woman walking in the direction of the verbally abusive man.  

Then just a couple of weeks ago while at the park it was raining and still dark when I meandered towards a dispenser for dog poop bags that was near a lamp post.  And you know how, just outside of a halo of light, is the darkest?  Well, just on the other side of the light’s halo there were small glints low to the ground, flashing in the puddles.  Kept walking towards them while trying to figure out what was causing it.  

Turns out they were small blinking lights embedded in the edges of pedals on a bike.  All I could distinguish were the pedals and the feet on them, which were now pointing down trying to hide the glints.  The person on the bike must have been leaning on the structure next to him.  It occurred to me to stop walking towards the guy but instead of vacating the area I stood there while an argument ensued between the different factions of my mind. 

Little Pearl (LP) was expressing her usual wishful thinking by insisting, “Maybe it’s GG!  Let’s keep moving towards him to find out!”  All the other parts of psyche were trying to remember to love and not throttle LP, while peering into the darkness to discern who the man (A.K.A. ‘the twit’) was, and whether he was for good or evil.  Kept trying to convince myself to walk the last several feet to the dispenser even though that would take me closer to him.  

(When a child is repeatedly told their fears don’t matter and are forced by the people they trust to go with perpetrators, &/or are repeatedly told how ‘swell’ their perps are, &/or are told that abuse is love, &/or are abused by the people they have to trust for their welfare, they can start to doubt their own instincts.  If it happens often enough, the intuition can be disconnected and the abused may no longer have the ability to distinguish good from evil in an instinctive sort of way.  Later in life when they’re working on healing it can be re-established after much questioning and perhaps some trial, error, and copious amounts of patience and compassion from good people who are initially frequently doubted. (Thank You, God, for the good people who work with me on this – they are making such a difference!)

Back to the park . . .

Don’t know how much time was wasted with the internal argument when I (finally) decided the poop bags weren’t necessary.  I was thinking, “Pearl, move on in another direction, NOW!”  yet for some unfathomable reason SAID, “That’s not impressive,”  then walked away without turning my back to him.  The twit so quietly said, “Bitch” and something else but I wasn’t listening anymore.  Many, many thanks to another person who got out of their car right then because that caused the twit to shut up and let me get away faster.  

I love that beautiful park, and it was the place that felt safest to walk.  Have only returned to it (in broad daylight) a couple of times since then.  Been wondering if it’d be brave or stupid to go back early in the a.m. when my dog is healed enough to walk again.  (He has an injured paw and is restricted from walking any distance for several weeks.  If you’re so inclined, would you please send up a prayer or good wishes for his healing?   We’re BOTH getting wider from the lack of exercise, and annoying the snot out of each other from not expending the pent up energy in a better way!)

The ‘twit’ incident provoked a depressing realization.  After years of being in recovery and making significant progress in so many areas of life, there’s still a tendency to walk away from a man I do trust at heart and am attracted to much faster than if it’s someone I don’t know, who could be a genuine threat.  That created such a deep feeling of hopelessness, a sense of never being capable of allowing a good man close enough to enjoy a mutually loving and fun romantic relationship.  

It’s only been this last year or so that I’ve actually been able to imagine myself in a romance where I’m as deeply loving towards my man as he is towards me.  I thought that was a good sign, but with what happened at the park I came to the conclusion that it was just false hope, that I’m too broken to ever get it right.  

Then I heard that Bishop Jakes talk that was mentioned earlier (and posted a link for at the top of the first of these three posts, dated 11/26/21).   It’s about when we’re getting close to our breakthroughs, God will give us glimpses of what He has in store for us as encouragement to keep pushing through all the bullshit to get to the . . . um . . . bull?  Ok, poor analogy :).  To keep us motivated because we are getting close to the fruition of our hopes and hard work, and it usually looks darkest and most impossible before we break through.  Was also reading a book that explained the same concept. And I kept hearing the Journey song, “Don’t Stop Believin’” whenever I turned on the radio.  

I took a break after typing that last thought because the feeling of defeat was amping up again.  Took my dog for a drive and heard part of a Joel Osteen message that reiterated the Bishop Jakes encouragement.   Then when I returned home and went on social media, an acquaintance, Krista who’s a life coach, had posted:  “When a pattern is finally coming to an end, especially one that’s been held in your body {&/or mind} for a long time, that’s also when you’ll face the most fear and the most resistance because being set free actually feels incredibly uncomfortable and unsafe in relation to continuing to play out what you’ve always known.”

And words of Joyce Meyer keep running through my mind:  “I’d rather believe for everything and get most of it, or even some of it, than to believe for nothing, and get all of it.”

Guess I’ll go back to believing in (praying for, and working towards) healing of all aspects of self, and the absolute best life has to offer..  Apparently God thinks I’m worthy of it, and so you are too, Be-loved.

Just found today’s song, “Paths of Victory” by Bob Dylan.  Don’t recall ever hearing it before and it goes well with today’s theme.  Enjoy!