Pt. 2, Changes

2/9/23

Hi Angel!

I hope your day (week, month, year, and life) is going well, over all?

Do you have anything in your life you’d like to be free of?  Something that you know is holding you back (and you know it’s your responsibility to fix and not someone else’s :))?

Or, have you figured out how to liberate yourself from whatever ‘it’ is?  If so, care to share how you did that in the comment section at the bottom of this page?

If you’ve read even just several posts of this blog then you know I’ve had a cornucopia of issues to work through and let go of.  I’ve been making significant progress and am now working on (amongst other things) ’severing soul ties’ with the people that inflicted the abuses.

To help facilitate this I’ve been taking an online course about healing the heart. It’s purpose is to get what we (well, I, anyway!:)) KNOW in my mind to be true, implanted into my resistant heart so my actions line up with that knowledge.  

The class includes a Christian meditation that helps the student feel safe and at peace before imagining the person (or group of people) that they’re preparing to forgive and let go of.  

One of the times I did the exercise was for ‘DW’, a ring leader of the sex trafficking era. In all the years of therapy, whenever I’ve come close to trying to deal with him I’ve always found a reason to escape the moment. I’ve even ran out of a retreat center and a therapist’s office when touching on the memories and/or feelings associated with him. 

When I ran out of the retreat center it seemed like the hounds of hades were at my heals. I remember getting to my vehicle but then completely dissociated (called a ‘black out’) and didn’t become aware of what was going on until I was racing through a stop sign and about to t-bone a (very expensive) SUV. Thank God no one was hurt, and the other driver forgave me! (Thank you Charlie for that grace.)

There have also been times when I’d feel as if I’m going into a state of shock by becoming icy cold, shivering, etc., but had no visual memory surface as to ‘why’ it was happening.  And I started having nightmares with DW as the main character.

In real life D’s era of hell began when I was about 3-4 years old. I’m not yet fully aware of all he’s responsible for, exactly. (I do have some definite memories mentioned in previous posts.) There’s a sense of evil associated with him and if any of the quick images I’ve had concerning that era are genuine flashbacks, then I understand why my mind was ‘splintered’ and is taking it’s time releasing the full memories.  

(But God is greater; keep reminding me of that, ok?)

Just writing about this is triggering some of the old fears and tears, and it kinda sucks!  But at times I can still feel the same terror when imagining being with a decent man like Great Guy (‘GG’) even though he never earned that reaction, nor would he ever deserve it. He’s repeatedly made efforts to show he’s not like DW and the others, and I believe him. In order dismantle my heart’s defenses I gotta delve deeper into what DW did in order to heal that, as well as learn to manage the fear based reactions better (which I’m doing).

So, back to the meditation . . .  

What was really amazing was, when the meditation led me to imagine the person I was going to sever the soul tie with, as soon as DW’s face started to form a separate image of Jesus came in from the right side and got between D and I. Had the sense Jesus was trying to protect me, and went ahead with the rest of the exercise (exorcise? :)).  

Afterward I messaged the teacher and told him what happened and asked if it was possible; he replied that he was a sure it did.   

That caused gentle tears of gratitude because I’m beginning to believe that someone can care enough to intervene on my behalf. That’s so humbling, amazing, and warming; it’s melting more of the frozen parts of my heart.

Thank You, Jesus.

At last weeks Bible study I mentioned a little bit more about what I survived as well as the integration (of the splinters of the mind) work I’m doing and the confusion that it’s causing.  

‘M’ immediately said, ‘let’s pray for her’ and the ladies formed a circle around me and prayed intently for a few minutes, and kept saying kind and encouraging things. 

(That’s causing some crying in appreciation now too, and is a healing antidote to what was written about several paragraphs ago.)  

It’s weird because I couldn’t feel the love that was being offered but was doing my best to receive it all anyway. Now, in this moment, I’m beginning to feel the seeds of love they strew; they’re taking root and growing into my heart. (Is it any wonder why I open my house to them on a monthly basis for a day of fun, fellowship, games and laughter?)  

I thought about skipping this week’s class, ultimately due to shame. (Shame can cause a person to play hide and seek with relationships because we can’t believe we deserve another’s love and any blessings bestowed upon us; we may avoid the ‘blessers’ for fear of having our lack of worth exposed, and their love revoked.)  

I forced myself to go and arrived late (of course – a true miracle would be if I get anywhere on time, consistently! :)) Snuck in hoping they wouldn’t notice because I didn’t any attention nor to distract from what they were doing.

But what was SO cool was, when a lady looked up and saw me she made a comment and then all the others started saying how glad they were I was there and how loved I was!  (More defenses of the heart are falling away here!) I was so embarrassed and wanted to escape. Then later, when I responded to a question with my usual humor and forthrightness, after everyone laughed and listened, the leader said how much she loved my faith, and they all agreed! Apparently I’m not ‘too much’, nor worthless, to them. 

What’s even more amazing is, I’m starting to believe what’s possible.💗 

It’s so . . . life changing to begin to believe I am good enough, and worthy of protection, Grace, acceptance, love and respect that these ladies’ , GG, Jesus (and others over time) have been consistently showing me. Not sure if any/all of the people will read this, but trust me, your love is healing, and I thank you. 

I’m becoming more like these good beings – huzzah!.

And I encourage you, Angel, if you’re also on a healing journey and are having difficulty finding, or feeling comfortable with, your ‘Good Beings’. Please hang in there; it does happen, I promise.

Amen!

Probably not a big surprise I’ve dreaded this time of year (Valentine’s Day). But while writing this and realizing I’m allowing love to seep into my life, my heart’s smiling! So even if the romantic love this holiday is most closely linked with isn’t in my immediate realm quite yet, I’m up for celebrating the day (Hooray! :)) This week’s tune, “Radar Love”, is apparently one of my favorite songs since I listen to it daily via my favorite local band’s website, and have already put two or three different versions of it in this blog over the years.  It was originally written and performed by Golden Earring; don’t remember if I’ve posted While Lion’s cover of it yet so here ya go.   

Thank you for posting the video, bLightTV!