Pt. 2, Learning To Attach

12/2/22

Hi Good Person,

What’s one instance in this past week that gave you a reason to smile?  (I’m already smilin’ with you! :))

Hmm . . . been learning how to notice lots of reasons to smile and one is right now – I throw birdseed on the ground outside my windows and I get to see all different types of birds (doves are a favorite) along with squirrels and chipmunks all eating together.  Love that, never get tired of watching them.

Gotta love the the chickadees, too; they have such ‘tude!  Those little peepers will get right in your face to take you to task if you didn’t get their food out there in a timely fashion.  Love their moxie!

Before I get to the actual subject of this post, there’s something I’d like to gently and caringly (hmmmm – is that even a word?  I guess it is, now!) mention.

Writing these posts is rarely easy; it can be quite gut wrenching to own up to some of the stuff I do or experienced, &/or ripping the heart open to expose the pain, shame, hopes and dreams, that are in it in order to let others understand what it’s like to be a survivor of the child – sex trafficking, abuse, sexually abusive material; and an abusive marriage, etc., with the intentions mentioned in previous posts and somewhere on the home page.  I don’t now that anyone from my childhood/marriage eras would ever read this and if they did, I can assure you they would not appreciate it and would rather defensively stay in their denial zone than own up to what happened and  actually offer a genuine apology or any type of support (why change now??) I do worry about how that would play out if they knew how truthful I am coupled with the possibility of others seeing behind their carefully constructed masks. 

Also, anyone who reads this knows how much I care about some people, especially my ‘greatest mortal life teacher’. GG.   He’s written about often, without knowing how it’ll play out over time; that’s vulnerability, too.

Because there’s so much emotional and heart honesty, it can take many hours to write a post. Hallelujah for the rare times it’s 5-8 hours, but like last week’s it can take 15-20+ hours because it can be difficult to adequately describe the feelings and effects in a way that is somewhat understandable to others.  I know what I mean when I write, and frequently, it’s hard to keep perspective on whether others will be able to, too.  And I don’t want to hurt anyone reading these, either, so I’m constantly rereading it to try to catch any possibility that someone may be unintentionally offended.

So often, trying to make sure all the criteria is met, after publishing it I’ll realize something could be taken the wrong way and then go back and do small edits over the next several days to try to clarify the intention of the message.

And even days later, like now, (hence this part of the post!:)) I can still be worrying that I may have come across as taking somebody to task for not doing something right, or implying they can never do enough, or whatever,

(Do you remember how I’ve written {quite a few times!} about being obsessive about things/people/events?  This is a perfect example of what I’m talking about! :)) 

I so appreciate it when someone reaches out to me, even when I don’t respond the way I wanted to. Every time it happens it takes another chink out of the armor on the heart, and takes me deeper into trusting you, and humans in general. Thank you.  And I want to make it clear, I really don’t expect others to perform to my exact expectations (anymore, anyway!) or jump through hoops,  or to feel like I’m judging them.  I’m too busy judging my own perceptions, motivations and actions.

So many times I’m just expressing how my psyche and heart work, what my hopes and wishes are, etc., in order to help people understand the process of how the mind (well, mine, anyway) works as it’s healing from extensive trauma.  

I am getting to the point to where I do want certain people next to me through out it all, but I understand you have lives too, and that I can push you away with bitchiness, or play mental hide and seek, or do the reveal and conceal thing mentioned in previous post so you may not be sure what to do, or realize how much I do appreciate your attempts (as was mentioned earlier). (I would add, ‘don’t give up on me’, and have written that in the past, but I honestly don’t want people to hang around if they’d really rather not.) 

If you’re in my heart I only want the best for you and to treat you like you deserve, whether I act like it or not.  I’m convicted (and ashamed) every time my actions do not yet line up with my heart and words; I sincerely apologize for every time they don’t.  God and I are working on it; have come so far and (hallelujah!) am acting the way I’d truly like to more consistently.  

And in all honesty (as usual!) , I think I’m going on and on about this because (yikes – don’t wanna admit this, for sure) I do still sense that anger inside that’s trying to get SOMEONE to pay for other not-so-decent people’s sins.   Lord, knows, I love having friends now who show me grace as I learn the art of relationships while shedding the anger. For the next step forward, to love a man in a romantic sense the way he deserves, well, it’d do him well to have to have a strong ego, much patience and soft heart as I acclimate to what a truly caring relationship is supposed to be like.

What’s pretty darn cool is, at times I am now able to imagine living a good, fulfilling, God and purpose filled life with a God (typo – should be ‘good’ but I’m leaving it!) given, trustworthy man and doing right by him and my true friends.  And I can feel the freedom from fear of it and lightness of heart in expectation of it! 

Please tell me I have (over?) explained my intentions of these posts well enough now?

(Whew!)

I had asked last week if anyone wanted to share what qualities they know to be important for a healthy relationship. Michelle had a thoughtful response (via fb) which included grace; that we let love cover misunderstandings and imperfections (whether others’, or even our own, too I’ll add).  She doesn’t mean to tolerate abuse or persistent demeaning; more like we all unintentionally (and perhaps, occasionally with intent) hurt others just because we’re human and have bad days.  We allow grace to remind us that we’re all imperfect and can use understanding and forgiveness sometimes. 

Good advice, Michelle. Thank you.  Been noticing more often how people have done that for me and I so appreciate it.  You all are teaching me how do the same for others.

She also mentioned knowing your own value.  I’m learning how to do that, and loving it – can enjoy life so much more this way!  WE ARE ALL God’s forgiven, redeemed and eternally loved children; each of us His favorite in our won way. (‘Won’ was supposed to have been ‘own’, but leaving it!  We all win with God without having to compete with anyone to be His beloved child. Thank You, God!)

Pretty certain this post needs more work, and to be honest, it’s already taken a LOT of time to get this much somewhat edited (hope it’s good enough!).  Not to mention, I had the annual ‘full body skin check’ by a dermatologist yesterday and ended up having a layer (or several) of skin ‘scraped off’ in order to have it checked (they didn’t call it a biopsy but I’m not so sure there’s a difference). And today, after driving around for about 6-7 hours in order to get several things accomplished for both me and my passenger who can’t drive herself, my other leg developed a very intense pain that I’m trying to decide if it needs to be looked at, at an urgent care facility.  So, my brain’s got a couple of other things to obsess over now and has apparently reached it’s limit on what it’ll do here. 

I hope you have a wonderful few days until we meet again.

(And – if you’re a praying person, will you please pray for me?  I will be for you, and if you ever have a something specific you’d like prayer for please leave a comment in the section below the videos.  Whatever you write will not be visible to others until after I read it, and if you ask to keep it confidential, no one else will ever see it.)

Today’s video is in memory of Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac.  “Songbirds” is my favorite tune of hers; it’s so beautifully simple in its solo arrangement and her vulnerability of declaring her love.  Thank you to ‘slamtracer35’ for posting this video. There’s also a version of it by John Frusciante; he transposed it for an electric guitar and somehow kept the same haunting, open hearted quality of the original.  HIs version is below Ms. McVie’s.  Thank you to Jaroslaw Kuca for sharing his video.

Today’s video is in memory of Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac. “Songbirds” is my favorite tune of hers; it’s so beautifully simple in its solo arrangement and her vulnerability of declaring her love. Thank you to ‘slamtracer35’ for posting this video. There’s also a version of it by John Frusciante; he transposed it for an electric guitar and somehow kept the same haunting, open hearted quality of the original. HIs version is below Ms. McVie’s. Thank you to Jaroslaw Kuca for sharing his video.